


Starbound Destiny (Book 1)

by TristenCrone



Series: Starbound [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo Deserved Better, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Devoted Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Identity Issues, Love, POV Rey (Star Wars), Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Redeemed Ben Solo, Rey Needs A Hug, Reylo - Freeform, Sacrifice, Soft Ben Solo, Spoilers, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:41:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 52,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21973030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TristenCrone/pseuds/TristenCrone
Summary: Ben sacrifices himself to save Rey, a final act of redemption, leaving it up to Rey to try to find her place in a world without him. She battles the darkness inside herself, trying to maintain the fragile balance, while plagued with visions of a future she thinks they will never have. Unable to balance herself without him, she embarks on a journey to find him. Will he pass on to the Netherworld, or will he be lost forever?
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo
Series: Starbound [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1613893
Comments: 163
Kudos: 302





	1. Exegol: The Rise and Fall

Exegol: The Rise and Fall

Ben Solo

The crackle in the sky was deafening, the hair on the ends of his arms standing on edge as he desperately clung to the crevasse, the tiny split in the rock the only thing that kept him from plummeting into the dark completely.

 _How_? How could they have come so far for this to be the end of it.

He had promised her that she wasn’t alone.

Acrid desperation welled in him, rising in his throat, catching, choking him as he struggled to pull himself up again, uselessly. The sob tearing out between his bared teeth, blood and spit rushing out of the corner of his mouth, the echo of his failure.

No. No! He couldn’t do this to her now.

Now she had to face everything she had pushed so hard against, run so far from, buried so deep. He could feel her determination through their bond as she fought through the fear, embracing her destiny.

He was so proud. So scared.

She was strong, stronger than him, stronger than she knew.

Strong enough to do what he couldn’t, resolute where he had failed.

He had failed so miserably, every time. He couldn’t afford to do so now.

She called on the Jedi, the spirits of those before her, those within her, and he felt it fill the space between them, felt her urge the lightsaber toward her.  
He could see it so clearly, see her.

Brilliant.

Light and stardust, grit and courage.

Love.

He felt her lunge forward, the dual sabers shaking in her hands, knuckles white with tension as she forced back Palpatine’s assault, no anger marring her intent, no hatred spurring her on. She was filled with pure light, the resignation that all of their futures were more important than her own.

This was why she was here, to do this one thing. It had all lead up to this moment, he heard the thought process and tried to shout through the bond that she was wrong.  
She was meant for so much more.

But she couldn’t hear him, she couldn’t feel him, filled as she was with energy and purpose, fueled only by her objective.

His fingertips curled in the crack, skin broken and screaming against the added pressure. He used every ounce of strength he had, and then more. He thought of her outstretched fingertips touching his own, not recoiling in horror.

He thought of her saying his name, the soft whisper of her voice teasing him, cruel, “Ben…”

The strength as she fought him at every turn, fought his darkness, and yet… still reached for the light he thought long snuffed out. He knew he wasn’t good enough for her, but still he wished he could be, just for a moment. Just for this moment.

His scream ricocheted along the cavernous walls surrounding him, the crags as sharp as his fear, his pain. But he couldn’t use it to fuel his ascent. The dark in him cried out for him to hone it, and Kylo Ren would have, in a heartbeat.

Instead his hand reached out, searching for the next gap, gripping loose dirt and rocks with every ounce of willpower he had.

The light above him was blinding, shooting through the sky with a frenzy he could feel all the way through his chest. He felt her, running on pure adrenaline, spent but still fighting.

Come on. _Come on_!

He wasn’t going to make it in time. He wasn’t to be there to help her.

The light show snuffed out, as quickly as it had sliced through the air, now rested a heavy silence. An oppressive blanket, the force so palpable he could almost see it, it obscured her. He couldn’t feel her, couldn’t reach out to her and beg her to wait.

Wait for him.

His hand finally found the surface, trembling he pulled himself out of the shadows. War seethed above him, ships carving up the black silk, explosions raging.

A still figure in white, all that power, folded back into the smallness of a young woman. He tried to call out to her through the bond, searching for the slightest of threads as he pushed his useless body toward her.

Rocks cut into his knees as he dragged himself closer, his hand pressing his side, trying to push enough of the pain away to make it just a little closer.

His feet dragging along the debris, the pain a fire dancing on his skin. Nothing.

No link, no answer.

He finally reached her, only to collapse at her side. Her skin a sickly alabaster, her eyes blind.

No. No. _No_.

He refused to accept it.

Her skin cold against his, he cradled her in his arms, her body limp and flailing in his grasp. This could not be happening. This was not what was supposed to happen.

If only he had fought more, tried harder. He could have been here to help her. She wouldn’t have been alone. She wouldn’t have died alone.

His eyes flew up from her face, frantically searching for anything, anyone who could help, but they were so far removed from everyone. And he knew no one would help him, because of what he did.

Because of who _he_ was.

All the years he worked to build his power, to hone himself into the perfect weapon, the sharpest blade of the First Order. And for what?

He was alone, just as he had always been. Even in forgiveness he was alone. Even knowing that his parents loved him, they were gone and he was left here. Holding the last piece of light his soul had ever found.

She had saved him. And he couldn’t save her when it counted.

He clutched her to his chest, the grief burning in his chest, his eyes pooling with unshed tears. His breath sawed in and out, each one a stark reminder of the stillness where hers should be.

_I’m sorry. I’m so sorry._

_I love you._

Too late.

They would not be together, what he foresaw would not come to be.

_You know what to do_

But there was still something he could do, for her. One way he could repay her for saving him. For accepting him, despite the monster he was. He only hoped she would understand, and forgive him, for being too selfish to accept a world without her in it. He would do this for her. For him.

His palm stretched across her waist, his breath clear and steady as he poured himself into her, filling her ribcage with all he had until he felt it move with her first breath.

Her eyes found his, deep confusion marring her brow. She sat up, twisting slightly in his arms, the corners of her lips folding up into the most beautiful smile he had ever seen.

This was real. _How_ was this real? His heart hurt to hope.

“ _Ben_ ” She whispered, and he felt their connection flurry around him. She saw him, the real him.

Her tentative hand cupped the side of his face and every cut, every bruise faded away into dust, every heartbeat, every nerve focused on that one exquisite touch.

This was worth it, to see, to feel, just once.

Her fingertips pressed sure, her mouth suddenly against his as he felt the life within her, his.

He felt like Icarus, ablaze and uncaring, worth it for the opportunity to glance upon such divinity, so vigorous, so _alive_. Their connection, his choice, they had never felt more like one than in that moment.

  
It ended, too soon, but he wanted to take a look at her one more time.

She was worth it, _god_ , was she worth it. His smile stretched his cheeks, the tears finally breaking free, etching their way through the blood and dust, burning at his cuts. So, _this_ was what it felt like, to love someone so completely.

She was a miracle and he was so glad he got to see it. His eyes drank their fill, thirstily taking in as much as he could as he felt himself start to slip away.

His parents would have been proud, _she_ would be proud, when she came to terms with it someday.

He had finally done the right thing.


	2. Dantooine: Balance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is on Dantooine, searching for a crystal to forge her own saber, so that she can let go of Luke and Leia's in an attempt to be free from the ghosts of the past. But she must confront herself first, and the unresolved feelings she has for Ben, will she prove herself worthy or fall into the dark?

Dantooine: Balance

Sweeping grass itched at her calves, and for the umpteenth time since she had left Exegol, Rey felt rage rise in her, irrationally strong for how insignificant the irritation was. Dantooine held none of the grief, none of the pain that permeated Exegol, and yet Rey had to fight to manage her feelings.

She had to do this, she had to find a way to move on. As long as she held on to their sabers, she wouldn’t find peace.

The ruins of the Jedi Enclave jutted up from the soft rolling landscape, the double crescent moons framing what remained of the once prolific training ground. After Ilum’s exploitation and eventual destruction after forming Starkiller Base, Kyber had been hard to find.

Legends and old rumors spoke of a cave on Dantooine, above which an old Jedi temple once stood, one of the last vestiges containing Dantari crystals. Kyber crystals stable enough to focus a lightsaber. Hers, she hoped.

Dantooine seemed untouched by the recent wars, the savanna occasionally dotted with a small farmstead, large trees shading the wheaten earth. Ruins of the abandoned rebel base from decades prior, now just a dilapidated shell.

The wind danced around her, teasing her hair around her face, she could feel the Force energy around her, mostly light, but a whisper of darkness reminded her of the cold vergence on Exegol. This too was a place that held the remnants of Sith power.

The garble of sand and rocks underneath her feet served to pull her thoughts away from the past and focus her footing. They had wanted her to stay, celebrate the victory longer. But she couldn’t be still.

Her heart was restless, yearning and troubled, and no amount of celebration would quiet the ache. She barely slept, her silence and introspection worried Poe and Finn. She had changed. They did not know why, and she did not know how to put to words what had occurred.

The only people that cared about Ben’s redemption had died, before him, with him. To her friends, and the resistance, he was the adversary. They had triumphed over him; his death was a cause to be celebrated. _How_ could she explain what she had felt, what she still felt, for him? How would they believe that the worst Sith Lord of their time had turned his back on the dark and sacrificed himself for her?

And for what? She was closer to the dark now than she had ever been, her emotions controlling her, her belief in the purity of the Jedi near shattered.

Her chest heaved with a shaky sigh, her thoughts running away again, so difficult to remain focused these days. Hopefully forging her own saber would help focus her energy, and aid her in letting go of the ghosts of the past.

But first she had to find the crystal.

Her staff proved instrumental in scaling the rocky outcrop of what remained, maneuvering over fallen columns and Jedi statues, so weathered their faces no longer remained. Further and further down she ventured, following the pull she felt. The sense of the Force being strong nearby.

The labyrinthine ruins got darker as she moved away from the perpetual sunset, deeper in the bowels of the temple.

The hum against her skin unnerved her, the amount of power something she hadn’t expected, hadn’t felt since the last time she had tried to use the Force, clutching Ben’s clothes in her bloodied hands, screaming his name, to no end. He was gone, she could no longer feel him.

 _Breathe_.

She heard the memory clearly in her mind, Leia’s voice guiding her through her meditation when she had been impatient with her training. She used the same memory now to ground herself, as she got closer to the cave.

She had no idea what to expect, no one had told her about the process of finding your own crystal. Nothing had prepared her for the memories seeping through, so strongly. Worried that this was only the beginning of the onslaught, she pushed on until she found herself staring down into a dark hole.

She knew it was the way down, into the heart of the cave, but her calves stiffened, her back rigid as the fear traced its hand along her spine.

What if she wasn’t worthy? What if there were no crystals left and all of this was for nothing?

_Breathe._

Her clothes whipped around her as she dropped down into the black, the whoosh deafening, her landing surprisingly soft, considering the lurch she felt deep in her core as she fell.

Her knees bent to absorb the impact; the heels of her palms embedded with gravel. She dusted them off, the light pink smear of blood on her pants forgotten as she stared at the twisting corridors.

_Which one?_

Soft light emanated from each opening, countless paths stretching out before her.

She closed her eyes, trying to focus, steadying herself, allowing her guard to drop and the fullness of the Force around her to slam up against her, waves beating against a stone wall.

_“Rey…”_

Her eyes shot open, the fissure in her chest split wide at the sound of his voice.

“Ben?” she asked incredulously, her voice echoing along the chambers, no answer to her call.

“ _Ben_!” The sob catching in her throat, her feet moved faster than reason, racing toward the darkest tunnel, the one teasing her with the thread of their bond.

The slapping of her feet against the black stone filled the small space, her ragged breathing punctuated by each harried step.

“ _Rey… Don’t be afraid, I feel it too.”_

The midnight velvet of his voice stopped her in her tracks, seizing her.

“Ben, where _are_ you?” the tears fell freely, obscuring her vision as she spun around, searching in vain. She saw an opening in the tunnel, a mouth with a pool of wispy light.

She hurried over, chasing her own confusion and hope.

Was he a Force ghost? Had he crossed over to the Netherworld and somehow found a way to come back to her?

In her excitement she missed the ledge, the light emanating from below and not ahead as she had believed. Her scream shot out of her throat as she fell through the air and tumbled into the opaque liquid below.

Submerged, she fought her way to the surface, but she couldn’t find a light source to guide her way up. She was weightless, no gravity to use as a guide.

“ _Rey, take my hand.”_

His voice was clear in her mind, and she reached out blindly, fear causing her to run out of breath with increasing speed. She couldn’t drown, not now. Not when he was so close.

“ _You're not alone_ _.”_ Ben whispered.

“Where are you?” She screamed under the water, the black tendrils floating inside curling around her limbs.

“ _You went straight to the dark, Rey, you didn’t even try to stop yourself. It offered something you needed and you didn’t even try to stop yourself.”_ Luke’s voice taunted her.

Was this the dark? Had she chosen wrong?

Memories tormented her, swirling incomprehensibly around her, the murky black water a canvas to all of her failures.

Luke had sacrificed himself to save them, to save her. For _what_?

Leia had sacrificed herself to save her son, and Rey had landed a killing blow with his own weapon. And still he had saved her.

Ben.

_Ben._

She felt him all around her, just out of her reach. She lashed out blindly, trying to follow the thread of their bond, the one that had led her down here, but there was nothing.

Her hand closed around black fabric, held back by the same dark tendrils that locked her in place, pulling closer, she tried to pull Ben back into her orbit, but when she won the tug of war she was faced with dark unstaring eyes.

His skin was sallow, rotting where his wounds had been, his corpse cold to the touch.

“ _I saw our future, Rey.”_ The mouth moved, the eyes black, staring deep into hers and the vision was projected into her mind.

Images flashed through her mind, his cold hand in hers as this abomination of him pulled her down further. In the vision his heart beat strong against her skin, his hands plundering her hair as he kissed her, her own hands begging for purchase on the ridges of his back. The rumble of his laugh reverberating through her chest, the flutter of life within her, scaring her with its intensity.

 _“We are two sides of the same coin. One cannot exist without the other. Let me show you your place in all of this. Take my hand and join me. We can stay here. Together.”_ The voice pulled her from the vision. Unholy dark filled his words, the temptation wrapping itself around the fractured remnants of her heart, of their bond.

“ _Please don’t go this way.”_ A female voice beseeched, her mother, Rey realized with a start.

She felt it, tiny and painful, the call to the light. Urging her to let him go, promising a respite, alone.

She closed her eyes, her head falling back as she felt the last of her breath bursting out of her chest, the ache unbearable, she couldn’t hold on much longer. She had to choose, down with Ben. Up without him.

She couldn’t decide. She couldn’t let go but she couldn’t go with him either.

Her hand let go of his, her doubt filling her.

She was unworthy. She was no Jedi. She didn’t even have the guts to turn to the dark. She was nothing. All over again.

She could choose neither, not without ripping her soul right through.

“Enough!” She screamed, releasing her last breath.

As soon as she gave in, accepted what she was feeling, laid claim to the guilt, the loss, the obligation she felt to carry on through the pain, the scene abated.

She lay curled up, freezing at the bottom of the cavern, the water nowhere to be seen, her clothes soaked through. The voices of the past mislaid.

She was alone.

With a yellow shard, curled tightly in her fist.


	3. Tattoine: Release

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey goes to Tatooine to bury Luke and Leia's sabers, in an attempt to relinquish the ghosts of the past, she is haunted by visions of prophecy and cruel dreams of a reunion that seems impossible.

Tatooine: Release

Rey

BB8 rolled down the waterfall of sand, Rey sliding down the dune on a piece of old equipment, the lightsabers tied at her side. The dome of Luke’s forgotten childhood home silhouetted starkly against the binary sunset in the distance. Tatooine burnt in her chest, the sand thick and choking.

Her resolve was paper thin after her trial in the crystal cave. She had her saber, but at what cost? She was plagued with agony, the images of what could have been haunting her days. She hoped to lay them to rest, lay him to rest, here with some of his family.

The air still, no animal sounds surrounding them, Tatooine truly was a desolate place, she understood why it stood forsaken, here at the edge of the galaxy. It reminded her of Jakku, the russet sandbanks stretching further than the eye could see, fading to a soft swirl where the heat obscured the horizon.

She pushed aside the thoughts of her childhood, the sharp rip where the memory of her parents laid siege to her composure. They had done what they needed, to protect her from Palpatine, something she had yet to come to terms with, despite understanding that urge.

She had done what she needed to defeat him herself, and it had cost her more than her life. She couldn’t blame them for trying to spare her from that fate.

There was just something about desert planets, the feeling of emptiness, loneliness, stretching for leagues. She shook off the unexpected chill, following the pull she felt in the force.

She knelt in the rough grains, unfurling the material she intended to lay the sabers to rest in. Carefully, she placed each saber down, side by side, as they now were joined in the Netherworld. Luke and Leia had become one with the Force, they had filled their purpose and could finally find peace.

She hoped that by laying their sabers to rest, the last physical remnants of their lifeforces, she could quell the feeling of unease she had, she could let them go.

Her hands touched each hilt lovingly, pausing on Luke’s, Anakin’s before him. The cold metal no longer holding the same draw that it did when she first came across it in the hidden box in Maz’s castle. It had served her well. The crack in the hilt snagged her fingertip, reminding her of her battle of power with Ben, when he had asked her to join him. His hand outstretched, his voice soft as he begged her for the belonging he had been so deprived of.

She had to repair the Kyber, split as it had been during their battle, the Jedi texts that she had taken from Luke holding the key to healing the crystal. The balance between them so obvious then, she had overlooked it, foolishly. Perhaps if she had joined him, she could have helped turn him sooner. He could have seen his mother without her needing to sacrifice herself, they could have overpowered Palpatine without being drained. They could _both_ have survived.

Her mind flashed to the memory of his hand in hers, the last rise of his chest, before she felt their bond severed, her hands pooling in nothing but his tattered clothing. She had hoped that it meant he had become one with the Force, his redemption complete. But, she doubted. She felt his loss keenly, unstable now with his lifeforce and hers at war within her.

She folded the material around the sabers, burying them with the force, determined to let the past go.

“ _Let the past die,”_ he had said. He was right. She was too stubborn to see it then.

She stood, watching the slow descent of the suns, burying them below the sand the way she had just buried the only parents she had ever known.

A traveler passed, pausing in confusion, perhaps startled to see someone here after so much time.

“Who are you?” She asked, her hand gripping the reins on the beast she traveled with.

“Rey,” she said, with a sigh. Tired of the question. Tired of the struggle to find who she was, where she fit into all of this. Belonging to no one, pieces of her scattered with the far winds.

Palpatine on Exegol, Scavenger on Jakku, part of the Dyad with Ben, Apprentice to the Skywalkers. No one, not properly anything, just an amalgamation of pieces.

“Rey who?” the question was unexpected. Surely, she should have moved along by now, back to whatever task brought her this far out.

Her eyes must have been playing tricks on her, or maybe they finally were ready to find their peace. Luke and Leia stood in the distance, shimmering with incandescent blue light.

“Skywalker,” left her lips before she could even think about it.

It seemed to appease the woman, as she walked away without another word, Rey’s eyes never left theirs, though.

“What, what are you doing here?” she asked, their figures coming closer, until Leia stood right in front of her.

Her luminous hand reached up to cup Rey’s cheek, and she felt the soft whisper of the Force humming along the skin.

“We sensed your struggle, your pain. Sweet child, you are split to the bone. Why do you war with yourself?” she asked.

Rey’s tears dropped, streaking down her dusty face. She struggled to swallow, to speak through the blockade of emotion that sat trapped in her throat.

“He deserved to live, I’m sorry,” the wail pierced the air before she could swallow it, the pure emotion too much to contain, “I’m _so_ sorry. It should have been him, not me!”

Leia shook her head, her brows furrowed, her eyes sad.

“It does not do to dwell on the past. He knew what he was doing, I am just relieved that he turned to the light at the end. Though it’s troubling that we haven’t been able to sense his spirit. Have you?” she asked.

Rey shook her head sadly, breaking away from the contact, ashamed.

She hadn’t felt him, not since the perverted vision of him in the test, and she knew without fail that that was nothing but a poor imitation, a bastardization of his spirit.

“He… he is not with you? At peace?” Rey asked, the hope that she had felt faltering.

Luke placed his hand onto Leia’s shoulder, shaking his head, regret filling his face. Looking at her pointedly, the corner of his mouth pulling up in contemplation before he spoke.

“His sacrifice is one that has not been seen, not been done, at least not this way, with the light side of the Force. Plagueis and Sidious used nefarious and dark methods to prolong life, but neither of them completely relinquished their own power, their own lifeforce for another.”

Rey shut her eyes in pain at the reminder. The keen loneliness, the absence of their bond, not realizing that she felt the loss like a phantom limb until his disappearance was confirmed. She had held out hope that he had moved on, but now she had to carry the knowledge that his soul was lost.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, one last time, before turning her back on them and entering the abandoned home, the last shafts of light fading with the day.

Sleep proved difficult; the black bleakness of the night too quiet to quell her tireless thoughts. Her last resort was to meditate, pull the Force around her to focus some of her nervous energy, to settle some of her feelings in order to get the rest she required.

She hadn’t slept more than an hour at a time since the battle on Exegol, and it was taking its toll on her, mentally and physically.

After exhausting her mental power, she finally fell into a fitful dream, clutching his tattered shirt, drenched in memories and visions of impossibilities.

The flashing images had woken her countless times, but her exhaustion was absolute and she had no way to shield herself from the torrent.

She saw herself, alone, racing through space, seeking. The darkness shrouded her, following her every move. Soon she would not be able to outpace it. Flashes of the Force surrounding her, ancient ground seeped in ritual. She was reaching for something, someone, tears marring her vision. Guilt and grief a thick stench in the air.

Her saber sung through the air as she fought off phantoms of the past, no true danger beside the madness that threatened to overpower her.

A far-off shape, the outline clear but details marred by the murky crystal surface, a wall of power.

“ _Rey…”_ A familiar voice, rang through the void within her.

With a start the scene switched, warm ambient light filling an undefined space, moments in time that felt like a dream, yet still an honesty surrounded them.

His warm hands wrapped around her own, imbuing her with the light. His soft lips, a breath away from her skin, teasing the edge of her temple.

“Rey.”

Her eyes shot open, and yet she was still stuck in the dream, captive to her yearning.

“Ben.” Her voice cracked, the whisper unbelieving.

“Shh, it’s alright. You’re not alone, I’m here.”

His lips pressed tightly to her temple, a gentle kiss clearing some of the shadows surrounding her mind.

“I’m going mad, Ben. This is not possible. You’re gone, I felt it. I felt the hole within me, where you used to be. I tried, I tried so hard to bring you back.”

His thumb traced down her cheek, burning her with an intensity that stole her breath. The touch was solid, impossibly real, monstrously cruel.

“It is real, I promise.” His hand rested on her shoulder, his thumb drawing lazy circles in the hollow of her throat, feeling her swallow hard, trying to set aside some of the emotion overwhelming her.

Her eyes found his, taking in as much as she could, frightened that he would slip away at any moment. Dark hair curled wildly around his face, his wounds gone, no echo of the ghastly image she had seen in the cave.

His mouth curled up in the smallest of smiles, dark molten eyes belying his bravado. He too was afraid.

“Please don’t leave me,” she whispered, defenses down, not bothering to keep the desperation from her voice.

“ _Never_ ,” his voice low, thick with emotion, the answer sounding more like a vow.

“We will find each other, Rey. I believe it. We are a Dyad of the Force, destined to be together. Nothing, not even death, can come between us.” The conviction was strong, his face resolute, a promise to her and himself. A hopeless one.

“I saw your mother, and Luke” she said, “they couldn’t feel you. Your spirit did not transcend, even though I watched you disappear right before my eyes.”

“The Force, it seemed, had other plans. If I could I would return to you, in any way. You know this, you know I would not lie to you.”

She could feel herself shifting, the dream lighting at the edges, like the sunrise on the horizon.

“We don’t have much time. I can sense you leaving. Please, don’t…” she lamented, her hands running along his arms, his chest, every inch that she could reach, quenching her thirst before she would be thrust back into the lonely desert.

“My sweet, _insufferable,_ Rey,” he whispered, reverently, before bowing his head to hers.

Those dark eyes shuttered, thick lashes skimming the tops of his cheeks, his soft lips pressing to her own. The Force flooding her, along with something else. A longing and desire unlike any she had ever known. She felt his heat beneath her hands, the surety of his heart beat, racing as he deepened their kiss. His hands gripping her waist, suffering their impending separation, just as she was.

She clung to him, to the fabric of his black shirt, his self-imposed uniform, pushing with all her might, trying to force out the day that threatened to wake her. _Just a few more seconds_ , she begged.

His kiss eased, bringing them both back from the brink, trembling beneath her hands as he fought for control. He placed his forehead against hers, gasping, his chest heaving against her.

“Ben…”

When she opened her eyes he was gone, and she lay curled up on the sand, pressing his shirt to her heart, a new day breaking, echoing her heart.


	4. Ajan Kloss: Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey has returned to Ajan Kloss from Tatooine, lost and hurt. She had hoped that she could put the past behind her, but her lies and omissions are catching up to her, her friends are starting to see the cracks in her facade. Will she be able to come clean, admit to her past, her lineage and her unbalanced soul?

Ajan Kloss: Reunion

“Where do you think she went?” Finn’s voice broke through the last vestiges of Rey’s restless sleep. No dream tonight, not like the one she had on Tatooine. Time passing, she started to lose hope, falling further into her own mind.

“BB8’s log had her jumping through hyperspace all throughout the galaxy, Dantooine, _Takodana_ , Tatooine. All the way back here. I have no idea what she was doing out there, but the fact that she left in the middle of the night and took BB8, with no crew, no word… I don’t like it,” Poe lamented, Rey fought the urge to roll her eyes, his concern was stronger at the thought of losing his droid than anything else.

“We followed her signal to Exegol, to fight the Order, sure. But you and I, we followed _her_ , because she is our friend. Because we believed in her to see it through, for all of us. The least we can do now is trust her,” Finn’s voice was even, none of the frustrated emotion in it, unlike Poe’s.

“Something happened on Exegol, something she isn’t telling us. Leia’s body just _disappeared_ into thin air, Palpatine is dead and so is Kylo Ren, and with it the Order fell, and now we’re left with the chaos. We have enough shit going on as it is, without her running off into the galaxy… on some side quest,” Poe made it all sound so insignificant.

Rey rose from the roll up, movement silent as she gathered herself, ready to confront them. How could Poe have so little faith in her? Sure, they hadn’t always seen eye to eye, but in the year they spent gathering information, training in order to prepare for the final conflict, they had become friends. They had all embraced in celebration of the impending peace, relieved.

Her hand closed around her saber’s hilt, knuckles white with the tightness of her grip. She left her room to enter the common area.

They sat drinking their breakfast, heads close together, obviously unaware of the fact that she had been able to hear them.

She thrust the lightsaber onto the table between them, the clang startling them back, Finn looking apologetic, Poe vaguely annoyed.

“It wasn’t a stupid side quest!” She exclaimed, the volume drawing the attention of a few other Resistance members from across the way. “I went to bury Luke and Leia’s lightsabers on Tatooine. _Prior_ to that I went to Dantooine to find a Kyber crystal to make my own saber with. But apparently even that wasn’t enough, I was missing some parts. So, I had to go to Takodana because I needed a power source for the saber and the only one I had ever seen, was in Maz Kanata’s castle.” The words left her mouth in a rush of air, nearly breathless by the end, slowly deflating until the last was said in a normal tone of voice.

“Okay, I have so many questions about everything you just said,” Poe said.

“Leia had a lightsaber? You got rid of _two_ lightsabers?” Finn asked, disbelieving.

The energy that had built around her anger vanished, leaving her emptied. She sat down beside them, catching her breath.

“I’m sorry I left without saying anything. I was just filled with this _urgency_ , I guess. It felt like it couldn’t wait,” she said, giving no explanation for the discord within her.

Insects chirped, the humidity lending an oppressiveness to the already too-hot morning. Rey felt sweat bead on the back of her neck, gather around her forehead.

“I can’t _believe_ you just got rid of _two_ lightsabers!” Finn’s brows knitted low over his dark eyes, he seemed almost insulted by the notion.

“I’m sorry, I don’t see why you’re so upset by the fact. They were both dead, they had no more use for them,” Rey said, trying to make it sound sensible, and not as if she had been trying to exorcise the demons that still lurked within her.

“ _They_ didn’t, but someone else may have?” His hands gestured widely, alluding to some unknown person.

“Like who? The Jedi are done, I just don’t see what the big problem is?” Rey felt uncomfortable with his show of emotion, she hadn’t seen him this fired up ever, at least not outside of combat situations.

“Like _me_! Okay, that’s what the big deal is. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you since we were sucked down into the sand on Pasaana! I feel it Rey, I’ve been feeling it more and more. I can sense the Force, could potentially have been able to harness it,” he sounded sad at the lost prospect.

“I… I’m sorry Finn, I didn’t realize.”

Finn’s eyes went to the hilt of her saber, on the table between all of them, incomprehensible emotion swirling in their depths.

Poe rested his hand on Finn’s shoulder, squeezing it in apology, or support, Rey could only guess. He too surveyed the hilt, seeming to recognize it as a part of her staff, his lips quirking up in a small smile, before his mouth dropped open into a small gasp.

“Do you mean to tell me you stole from Maz while she was here with us?” Poe asked.

Rey’s sigh filled up the chambers in her lungs, stretching them to capacity before exploding out of her with a huff.

“Technically… yes. I just hope she can forgive me once I explain things to her,” Rey dropped her face into her hands, scrubbing them across in an attempt wipe away some of the exhaustion, the feeling that nothing was right anymore.

“Look, I’m sure you had your reasons for a lot of things, but we need to get ourselves situated. The celebration can only last so long, we cannot leave the galaxy rudderless, we need to mobilize our forces, establish a _real_ base, where we can meet with representatives of the remaining worlds. We need to make sure that we cut the head off of the snake and it’s not just a Hydra,” Poe was so engaged, so dedicated to the mantle he had taken up following Leia’s death.

Rey knew Leia would be proud of him, proud for facing up and admitting to his faults, and now he cast his eye forward, no longer just an impulsive flyboy.

“I really am sorry, Finn,” she said, her gaze focused on the angry twist of her friend’s face.

“You know what, Rey? I’ve been your champion since we met, I’ve been fighting for you since the first.” He stood up from the table, abrupt, jerky movements, his hands fisted at his sides. “I get that you’re some ‘chosen one’ and it was your fate to save us all, but you’re not the only one here. I’ve tried defending you and your actions, but what you’re doing, not keeping us informed, having us worry about you with no regard to us and our feelings… it’s selfish.”

He walked off without another word, clad in the leather jacket he had been wearing when they first met, that he had worn almost exclusively since, despite the changing conditions on each world. And all she could think was that he was right, she _was_ being selfish.

Poe followed shortly behind him, leaving her there with her thoughts.

She thought back to the times she had plundered forward, single-minded, most notably when she had set out without him to the corpse of the fallen Death Star and he had tried to come after her.

She complained about being alone, wanted a family more than anything else, but she kept discarding the chances she had at one.

Constantly running toward the next thing, chasing the next big step, without thinking about the people she left in her wake.

Going to Luke on Ahch-To, she _had_ to do it, but she left them behind. Then she abandoned her training to go to Ben, to try to turn him. Again, she felt she had to do it. Leaving him, being unable to kill him, so she ran away. But all it caused was Luke having to sacrifice himself to save them on Crait.

She left them to seek Ben out on Pasaana, revealing her true nature in the battle of their wills. Meeting him again on the Death Star, leaving him there, leaving Finn to exile herself. Still Ben came for her, saved her.

They kept showing up for her, good and bad, and she kept running, toward what she had no idea. Bitterness coated her tongue, the bile of her past choices a tough reality to swallow.

Things could have been different, had she been different, not so self-centered, not so fueled by her own desires. She was not a Jedi, and she had no right to claim so, despite all she had learnt.

A pious person didn’t endanger her friends, a good person didn’t toy with the dark side, and they sure as hell did not lie to everyone because they couldn’t admit to their true nature, to their misdoings. They did not know the truth about her, about her lineage. About Ben’s.

She would have to face them, admit to them the truth of what happened on Exegol. Whether they believed her or not was out of her hands, now. She could only hope that their friendship was stronger than her mistakes and lies. Or she had no idea what she would do.


	5. Ajan Kloss: Divulgence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey comes clean to her friends, admitting the full truth of who she is and what happened on Exegol. Will she be able to make up for past mistakes, to earn their trust and forgiveness?

Ajan Kloss: Divulgence

Rey gathered her friends, the people she came closest to trusting completely, with her life surely, her truth was a slightly different matter. They sat under the canopy of trees, late afternoon light filtering through the green. She stood in front of them, pacing restlessly, her thoughts elsewhere.

Finn, Poe, Chewbacca and Maz looked at her with concern, alarmed at her earlier plea to join her and keep it quiet from the others, including the droids. She couldn’t take the risk of having this information get out into the mainstream, not yet.

She hadn’t had time to come to terms with who she was and what had happened, having it be the main topic of discussion around the base was the last thing she could handle right now. Her soul was brittle, the sides of the Force warring within her.

She hadn’t used her power since the crystal cave, trying hard to shut it out, scared of what lay dormant. Her suspicion was that between her bloodline and Ben’s sacrifice locked within her, she was completely unbalanced. The light no longer outweighing the dark, not meeting in a comfortable middle either, as she struggled with reconciling her love and grief and the atrocities that had occurred, at his hand and because of her choices. She inched closer to the dark side each day.

“I owe you all the truth, the real truth. My only hope is that you will not forsake me when you find out,” Rey released a shaky breath, her hands trembling and cold despite the tropical surroundings, her nerves dancing along her skin, raising goosebumps.

“All I ask is that you withhold judgement until I have finished, I will try to answer whatever questions you have to the best of my ability. But I acknowledge that you may not understand, I do not understand most of it myself,”

Maz nodded her head in encouragement, urging Rey to begin, offering her undivided attention.

“My true parentage was revealed to me, aboard the fallen Death Star during my battle with Kylo Ren. Signs had been evident from the start, my strong and sudden ability to master the Force… the display of my power on Pasaana, when I thought I had killed Chewy…” she paused to steady herself, the memories assaulting her, the feelings rising within.

“I was able to do so, able to access the hidden chamber on the Death Star to retrieve the hidden Wayfinder, because of my bloodline,” she said.

Poe seemed unnerved, dark brows pulled down low over his eyes, his mouth a small dissatisfied line. Finn sat resolute beside him, none of his thoughts peering through the shuttered expression.

Maz and Chewbacca looked almost pained, as if they knew exactly where this was going.

“Kylo Ren and I had been locked in battle since our first meeting, our powers almost evenly matched, and we finally found out why. We are a Dyad in the Force and able to share conversations, memories through that bond,”

Rey sat down onto a boulder; her movements heavy despite the unburdening of her secrets.

“Our relationship was an uneasy one, I still have not come to terms with it and I struggle even now to rationalize it to you, knowing how this all must sound,” she swept her hand through her loose hair, the buns freed, waves floating around her face.

“I saw his future in a vision, one that lead me to the Supreme Leader’s throne room, I saw him turning to the light and so I went to him. He killed Snoke to protect me, and together we defeated the Praetorian Guard. Still, he did not turn, urging me to join him and rule together, we fought over Luke’s lightsaber and it was split in half by the effort. I had to heal the fractured Kyber crystal using the Jedi texts,” she stood again, unable to keep still, to balance her raging emotions.

“I refused and came here to study, determined to finish my training. When we met atop the Death Star he faltered, I have no idea why, but in that moment, I dealt a killing blow, faced with the darkness inside of me I healed him, determined not to strike him down in anger. I left to Ahch-To, planning to exile myself the way Luke had. Afraid of my darkness, my inheritance,” her throat thickened, dry from all the explanation, still they sat in silence and waited for her to finish, the sun was starting to fade and the temperature dropped with each degree that the sun curved below the horizon.

“His spirit revealed itself to me, he urged me to go to Exegol, to face my fate. I had to be the one to do it. I found myself alone in front of Palpatine, who taunted me with your impending deaths, urging me to strike him down so that he could live within me, with all the Sith; my birthright, as his granddaughter,” the last a shameful whisper.

She saw the alarm on their faces, knowing that she stood before them and he was dead, knowing that it must sound like she had failed.

“Kylo Ren came for me, he came to join me, he turned to the light, Luke’s saber in hand, and stood beside me to fight Palpatine, but all that did was strengthen him. Palpatine used our Force bond, syphoned off of us to restore his body to its previous strength and strike Kylo Ren down. I called upon the Jedi of the past, and with their guidance and both Luke and Leia’s sabers I was able to deflect Palpatine’s power back onto him and cause his death without anger, without striking him down,”

Dark was fast approaching, long shadows following their forms, elongating and twisting them into sinister shapes.

“I died, in that moment after, I do not remember anything from the time but I know my soul was unsettled, unable to depart this realm and move on to the next. When I awoke Kylo Ren held me, his lifeforce within me, having sacrificed himself to save me. He died on Exegol and his corporeal form disappeared, at one with the Force,”

They looked confused and Poe interjected, finally breaking their silence, unable to wait any longer.

“How was he able to become one with the Force if he was a Sith? Why would he turn to the light? He committed _atrocities_ , slaughtered worlds!” Anger marred his words, the disbelief plain.

“He was a Jedi before Snoke stole him away to the dark. He was trained by Luke himself, betrayed by Luke, he forsook his past and took on the mantle of Kylo Ren, in a way he stood no chance, destined to fall,” She knew it sounded as if she was dismissing all of it, and in a way she was, she still had not found a way to reconcile the fact that she felt so deeply for someone who had done such unspeakably horrible deeds.

“Why would Luke train someone like him?” Poe spat.

“Because they were family. Kylo Ren’s true nature at his sacrifice and death, was that of Han and Leia’s son, his true name was Ben Solo,” it pained her to know, to realize how far he had fallen. The bereavement of his family, feeling so lost with no way of coming back after what had occurred, the things he had done, a keen ache inside of her.

“That’s bullshit!” he looked around at Finn, the shock of the truth ringing true, she knew he could feel that she wasn’t lying, he turned to Maz and Chewbacca as a last resort but their faces showed only pain.

Chewbacca whimpered at the mention of Han and Leia, Maz looked saddened by the tragic turn, the painful legacy left by her friends.

“Leia’s body departed shortly after your victory, I know now why,” Maz said with a wry smile, her eyes murky with unshed tears, “Her soul was able to rest, knowing that her son had been redeemed.”

“Redemption? _Redemption!_ Don’t give me that, he was behind everything we fought so hard against. Now you’re telling me that without him we would not have won?” Poe stood over Rey, almost shouting into her face.

Rey knew he must be struggling, knowing that his mentor gave her life, that Han Solo had died along with innumerable others, for Kylo Ren to deflect at the end of all his obscenities.

“Palpatine pulled the strings, Snoke groomed him for _years_ , his family abandoned him, turned their backs on him!” Rey shouted back, the anger rising in her, the darkness filling her as she struggled to have him understand, to explain away her own confusion and warring feelings. Her own feelings of abandonment, her own struggle with the darkness coloring her opinion.

“He tortured me, tried to kill all of us, actually killed so many others, innocents, fodder in his war machine! Don’t you _dare_ defend him to me!” Poe yelled, turning on his heel, rushing into the jungle, his rage palpable, the metallic taste of blood in Rey’s mouth as she bit the inside of her cheek in anger, trying to keep from calling him back.

“You shouldn’t have lied to us, kept this from us. We were supposed to be your friends, Rey…” Finn sounded defeated, his hopeful spirit quenched with the revelation that his enemy had permeated so much of their lives. Their fight, their victory… tainted.

“How are we supposed to trust you, how do we move forward knowing what we know now?” He asked, wounded, before following after Poe.

Rey felt herself splinter, the deep throbbing acute at them turning the backs on her.

“What will you do, young Jedi?” Maz asked, concern in her voice, her ancient eyes regarding her without malice or caution.

“I am no Jedi; I am not worthy of that title. At this point I’m not sure anyone is, the costs are too high. Though, perhaps Finn will benefit from the texts. He deserves the chance to try, at least.”

Chewbacca sounded his concern, asking her in Shyriiwook what was going to become of her if she was not a Jedi.

“I will take the Barash Vow, in penitence for my part of all of this. I understand if you do not want me here anymore, given what I am, who I am.”

Chewbacca disagreed, stating that she was still his friend, regardless.

“Thank you, Chewy, I appreciate it. But I do not see what part I have in all of this now, my destiny was to defeat my grandfather, there is no place left for me, the Resistance has triumphed. What need is there for me now?”

He scoffed, accusing her of being dramatic, and wrong. Disgusted at her giving up he waved his arm, dismissing her, before heading back to base.

Maz remained, watching her carefully.

“There is a place, where the ancient Jedi went to confess their sins, absolve themselves of wrongdoing. None have ventured in ages, dangerous as it is to reach. If you feel so strongly in your guilt, in your need for penitence, why not seek it out?” she asked, offering Rey a way out, a way forward.

“If none have ventured how will I be able to find it? How will I survive the trip?” Rey asked.

Maz laughed, her diminutive form shaking with the belly-rolling guffaw.

“That Wroshyr Wood box, the one you stole the Diatium Power Core from,” she broke off when she saw Rey’s face, the fear and shame on it, and she suppressed another chuckle, “Yes, I know about that. You aren’t the only one with a hand in the Force. Besides, I didn’t rise to my position without having eyes and ears everywhere. It’s forgiven, I know it will be put to good use,” she pointed at the hilt of Rey’s saber, hanging along her side, attached at her hip.

“The box contains another piece you may find useful, a four-thousand-year-old Hyperspace sextant, useless to today’s pilots, with their computer navigation, even less so because it only works for those strong in the Force,” Maz said.

“Force navigation? How? I’ve never heard of such a thing,” Rey felt the curiosity within her grow.

“It’s yours, if you would like it. The Force led you to my box that day in the castle for a reason, the same reason I was compelled to collect those pieces in the first place. My connection with the Force has led me to believe that it will in turn give other Force sensitive people the direction needed to find these relics, should their fate will it, yours clearly does,” Maz stated, her conviction clear.

Rey nodded, grateful at the chance, at Maz understanding, withholding her judgement. She hoped her friends would find it in their hearts to forgive her someday.

“I appreciate it, and I accept your generous gift. I just…” she gestured to the direction they had left in.

“When you are ready,” Maz said simply, turning to leave, gesturing for Rey to join her on the way back to the base.

They walked in silence, thoughts swirling through Rey’s mind, the chance to let go of some of her guilt, some of her pain, an undeniable temptation.

Chewy lay curled up, the door to his room open, he looked at her in question and she gave him a small smile, a tiny thank you for not turning on her. Maz left to join Chewbacca.

Poe and Finn were in Poe’s room, the door ajar, Poe held his head in his hands, a bottle of hooch at his feet. Finn sat stony-faced, arms folded, supporting his friend in silence. He sensed her approach, turned incrementally before looking away, back to Poe.

Rey stood at the crack in the door, the thin shaft of light illuminating her feet.

“I’m sorry. I know this must be incredibly hard to digest, and I know you do not understand or agree. I’m sorry for the pain I have caused, directly and indirectly. I know it isn’t fair to ask it of you, but please do not share what I told you tonight. It will only cause more hurt, more fear. I am more than my name, and I _will_ make up for my wrongs. Please, give me the chance to do so,” Rey said before heading back to Maz and Chewbacca.

“I leave at dawn,” she said.

Chewbacca questioned her but Maz shushed him before he could press her for more information.

“Take my ship, I’m sure my ‘boyfriend’ will escort me back when repairs have been completed on the castle,” Maz laughed at Chewbacca’s grumbling at the old endearment.

Rey nodded, retreating to her own room for another night of troubled sleep.

“May the Force be with you, dear,” Maz said, her voice carrying down the hall, Rey bent under the weight of the wish, wanting nothing more than to have the Force leave her alone, and stop its relentless struggle on her soul.


	6. The Galaxy: Search

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey sets out to find a forgotten Jedi world where she can absolve herself of the sins of the past, hoping to let go of some of the darkness within and find forgiveness. Will she fall prey to the dark within or will she be able to atone for what she has inadvertently caused?

The Galaxy: Search

Maz Kanata certainly had a strong sense of humor, that much was very clear. Rey sat stuck on Takodana, in the ship Maz had lent her, wondering just how she was supposed to find a lost planet.

The sextant had been easy enough to locate, although the castle had sustained significant damage from the events that led to her being taken captive by Kylo Ren that first time. The box was hidden in the basement room, still unlocked. Inside Rey found the sextant and a fusion head cutter, but she knew that was not for her.

Now she sat on the edge of the world, staring out onto the rippling lake, with no idea where she was supposed to go next.

Maz had been vague, in the way that age-old mentors were _supposed_ to be, she thought bitterly. For once, just once, she wished it could be easy. She wished that they could just hand her a map and it would be good enough.

She had no idea where this forgotten Jedi planet was, none of the texts mentioned anything about a hidden world. Her only thought was that it wasn’t hidden, just not very popular. The sextant was useless, it helped her pinpoint where she was, but she had no idea where she was supposed to be going, and so she couldn’t do hyperspace calculations.

Frustration welled within her, the darkness inside her asking why this was even necessary, a secret Jedi planet was no place for her and would serve no purpose in actually _righting_ the wrongs of the past.

Still, she felt a niggling at the corner of her conscious, a glimmer of the Force, teasing her. She had tried so hard not to access her power, feeling the Force within her was difficult enough, even just knowing it was there. She did not delight in having those parts of her set free.

Nightmares still haunted her sleep, appetite seemed like a thing of the past. She knew that if she looked at herself in a mirror now her face would be marred by the dark shadows under her eyes, her gaunt face sliced through by her cheekbones. Her hair was pulled back loosely, kept out of her face but pooling around her shoulders. Gah, she was a _mess_.

Maz had said that she would need to use the Force to find it, and she had tried doing so without it, to no avail. She had no other choice.

 _Not doing it would also be a choice_.

She pushed the snide thought aside, closed her eyes and opened herself up to the Force fully, for the first time in what felt like weeks. It was harder than it should have been but, like an athlete, the muscle memory of a familiar task soon took over.

She meditated, sextant in hand, picturing an outline, feeling for a place where absolution was found.

Flashes of cold peaks, traveling down, below into the heart of a mountain.

The Force so strong within the guts of this world, almost radioactive in intensity, she heard it call out to her, heard whispers of those before her.

She felt the sextant move in her hands, adjusting to an image in her mind.

“Well, I guess this is it,” she said, adjusting her course according to the tool in her hand, hoping that when she made her space jump, she wouldn’t just be in the middle of a nowhere. She pressed the ship ahead and made the jump coreward.

The hyperspace jump always excited her, it still blew her mind that this was even possible, that she was able to do this. The girl sliding down the dunes of Jakku would laugh at her in glee to know what she was capable of now.

When she emerged the area was choked, filled with densely packed planets and floating debris left over from stars colliding, all being incrementally pulled toward the gaping black hole at the center of the galaxy.

No wonder this area wasn’t traveled often. Hyperspace routes would have to constantly change to compensate for the shifting around. The area was extremely well lit, she could see a planet close by, swirling skies indicating severe storms on the surface.

Here she was, with it in sight. She fought to keep control of the craft, maneuvers testing the limits of her skills as she dodged the flying crags, larger than she had ever seen up close, hurtling at insane speeds.

White-knuckled she pushed on, the draw unmistakable.

The second she kissed the edge of the planet’s atmosphere she was assaulted by the Force. She had never felt it so strongly contained within one world. The only other place that came close was Ahch-To.

The planet felt her entrance and welcomed her with an awe-inspiring display of lightning, pellets of icy rain pelting the craft. She struggled to maintain control, alarms blaring, visibility a thing of the past. At this point she would be more effective flying blind.

She turned off the alarm systems, silencing the cacophonous noise that filled the cockpit, the roar of the skies around her whistling with the intent to rip her machine into pieces.

She squeezed her eyes shut, bracing for the inevitable, she would not survive this trip. The world around her raged, seething with energy, trying to push her out like the body exorcizing a foreign object, with malice.

The controls shook in her hands, rocking contrarily to the entirety of the rest of the ship. The strength of it had her holding on for dear life, knowing that if she let go now, she would go flying across the room.

She screamed with the effort of trying to control the ship, a pointless endeavor at this point. An expulsion of Force energy burst out of her in desperation and she felt the impact reverberate through her bones as the ship made its rocky landing. White powder cushioning the blow, the trail of the skid interspersed with jumps, heavy hits as she slowed to a stop.

The belt bit into her skin, leaving behind a thick welt as her head snapped back into the seat, whiplash sending shards down her arms and spine. That was going to hurt, if she somehow made it, that would hurt like hell.

By the time she came to a precarious halt the taste of metal pooling in her mouth had her heaving, bile and blood escaping out onto her clothes. Her body felt like it had absorbed every one of those hard landings, aches littering her muscles.

“Ow…” she complained, trying to twist out of her seat. Lights flickered on and off, something behind her short-circuiting with electric bursts, the buzzing the only sound in the cabin beside her laboring breaths.

Snow covered most of the screen, the cold spreading bumps on her skin. She had not thought to pack warm for this trip, something she regretted now.

The only other item of clothing she had brought with her was in her pack, secured behind her seat.

She stumbled out of her seat, everything leaning at an angle, having a hard time traversing the slanted floor. She crawled toward her pack, pausing only to pull off her shirt, covered in various bodily fluids, cold and foul. Using the corner of the discarded shirt she wiped across her mouth, trying to make sure most of it was gone before she touched the shirt in her pack.

The black fabric was soft in her hands, his scent still lingering in the fibers. She pulled it on over her head, her shoulders protesting, every move a scream in her muscles.

She could feel the same pull from before, the Force guiding her lower. The sleeves collected around her wrists, completely covering her hands, hanging low onto her thighs. At least this would offer slightly more warmth.

She had never worn it before, just touched it, tried to feel his essence. It felt almost wrong to wear it now, all it did was serve to remind her how vital, how large he had been in life. Now snuffed out, a mere memory.

The hole where she had stabbed him hung low, the breeze escaping through.

She faltered out of the ship, the saber bouncing against her leg. Hugging her arms close to her body she set out into the wet powder, cold biting her exposed skin.

The peaks above her loomed dark and ominous, sharp and impossible to scale. Luckily, she was heading down and not up.

She waded through the knee-high snow, each step sucking her into its cold depths, forging her way forward. This felt like a fool’s errand, and she knew it was stupid to head out without the correct gear, but the pull was too strong. She could not ignore it for a moment.

A cliff rose above her, black rock jutting out like a knife, slicing through the storming sky. She placed her hand against the face, her fingers purple from the cold. She pushed, using her energy, sensing the stronger current within. The mountain answered, a heady groan emerging from the stone as it cracked open, revealing the remains of a primitive stair case.

As soon as she stepped inside the scrape behind her was followed by a final thud, sealing her inside. She had no choice but to blunder down the broken steps, a sickly green light emanating from below, the only navigation she had beside the Force inside of her.

It was warmer here, away from the punishing wind and snow, she sensed that her arrival had disturbed something deep within the planet, and it did not like it.

The way down was long. Winding stairs getting lighter with each step, the closer she got to the light source, finally the last opened up to a cavernous room. It felt like a cave, stalagmites and stalactites of jutting crystals, a dampness in the air.

In the center of the room, like a cathedral tower or immense sept, a column of green crystal projected out of the earth, surrounded by the same black rock that she stood on.

It created almost like a small room, the arched opening, smaller holes radiating the light from within, windows to the unknown. She knew instinctively what this was. It reminded her of the dark cave on Ahch-To, held the same immeasurable power. But the whispering was absent, no voice from the dark side pulling her closer.

Instead it felt like her mind was on fire, the parts of her in a stalemate, fighting to be the victor.

She stepped inside, the crystal warping and curving within, a distorted glass mirror, murky and clouded with the minerals. A wall of sheer power.

She heard the whispers of the Jedi before her, tearful, anguished. They had come here to unburden themselves, to admit their sins to the brute power of the Force, to have it strip away their failures. This… was a confessional.

The revelation brought her to her knees as she saw images reflected back at her from behind the green Kyberite. The lives she had ended with her blaster, her saber. Screams of agony at wounds she had caused. Thousands aboard the Destroyers, falling at her hand as she finished the might of Palpatine.

She had never thought of them as casualties, they were the enemy, they had committed unspeakable crimes. But she had still killed them, wounded them, cut down the lifeforce within them, scattering it into the ether.

And then, shapes she knew, friends and fellow fighters that her choices had harmed. Luke, Leia… Han, morphing into a shape she knew well from her nightmares. The outline of something she felt the loss of keenly, deep within her.

She felt the thread of their bond, watched as he hurled himself toward her, toward danger for her. His scream at losing her, his form locked around hers as he held her, driving his lifeforce into her inert body. Shadows of the past dancing along the distorted glass.

The magnitude of every choice, every mistake pulled her down, a sinking gravity holding her fast to the ground, dragging her deeper into the darkness within.

She was a witness to her own downfall, she had thought everything she did was the right move, the right choice, the next right thing. She paid no mind to the casualties in her wake.

The memory of their bond, the tug of the Force on the core of her had her keening in pain. She felt the loss of it wholly as it was severed in the memory.

“ _Forgive me…”_ She begged, whispering through the sobs.


	7. Void: Scatter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is stuck in what he perceives as his own personal hell, forced to endure memories of every horror he had ever inflicted upon the world, on a never-ending loop, until suddenly there is a new vision, a new window into the world.

Void: Scatter

Ben Solo

The effort cleaved his soul. Saving her had ripped the Force energy from him, depositing what remained after Palpatine’s syphon, within her. He expected to pass on to nothing, did not expect to feel anything again.

Instead he was imprisoned here, in agony, the constant barrage of his past deeds a hellscape he could not find reprieve from.

It was an endless chasm, deep within the heart of all that was, a ribbon connecting everything that had ever existed.

He was alone, haunted by his past, the past he had tried so hard to run from.

And run he did, voices chasing his every footfall in the dark ether of this netherworld. He felt too close to everything, too far to reach anything to rescue him from this perdition.

Time passed without any means of tracing it, it must have for he felt the exhaustion of never resting, and yet nothing changed. What _was_ this?

Images, scenes from his past lined the paths he wandered, each one cruel.

There was no escape for him.

Eventually he stopped running, started to settle in to his own personal hell. After all, it was what he deserved, the truest form of punishment he could think of for the acts he had committed and abetted.

Forced to watch his own undoing, it started before he was born.

He watched scenes flashing, glimpses into the past, of his parents. His mother sensing a dark thread within him as he grew within her. She showed her concern but it was dismissed by his father, claiming that whatever darkness resided within him would be overpowered by the light.

He felt their love for him, their worry, their hope for a life together.

He knew that wasn’t how it ended.

Onward, he walked, aimlessly trailing his life, the thread of it interwoven between the stars, somewhere between time and space. The black gave him a sense of comfort, despite the frightening views into the past. Stars peeking through cuts in the fabric of this universe, silver waypoints with no rhyme or reason, not a reliable way to navigate.

He heard Palpatine’s whispers, the only constant in his life, beside the feelings of loneliness, of never belonging.

They started when he was a boy, feeding the seeds of discord and doubt within him as his parent’s relationship fractured. His father, away with the everchanging demands of being a pilot. His mother, embroiled in the political wretchedness that was the aftermath of the Empire. Both fighting for the best parts of the galaxy, saving thousands of souls, while his started to show the rot.

He begged his father not to leave, sleeping with his helmet, the dice that hung from the Falcon. Han hated to go, he could see it, feel it in the lingering hugs, the sad eyes that didn’t look away until they jumped into space. On to the next mission, someone else’s salvation.

His mother could feel the growing unrest, his awakening in the Force scared her. He heard his parent’s talking about him behind his back, fearful. Worried that he might turn out like his grandfather, they kept the secret of his lineage, hoping to snuff out the smolder of the darkness. They were scared of him, as a _boy_. What chance did he really stand?

Leia hoped that Luke would be able to steer him toward the light, as he had done for their father.

Ben felt as if he was being discarded, left to someone else, someone who watched him wearily, never fully trusting him. Still, he wanted to do well, wanted to please Luke. He trained as his Padawan, trained with his fellow Jedi Students at the temple Luke had worked so hard to establish.

He was able to see Luke hesitate, not strike the killing blow that night in his hut, but he knew what he had seen and felt in that moment. The whispers from Palpatine that the last of his family was trying to kill him. That his parents and uncle had turned on him and he had no other choice left.

He saw Palpatine strike the temple that night, lightning igniting the flame that burnt out the future of the Jedi, his training mates, struck down in the chaos, Luke unable to help.

Snoke worked tirelessly to form a new narrative, encouraging his name change, banning the use of his former name to the select few that knew about it. He found out about his lineage through the people that worked to tear his mother down. All he felt was comfort at the revelation, finally, he wasn’t so strange. He wasn’t alone. His grandfather had been just like him.

His past laid out before him, a fractured roadmap to the man he became, angry and broken.

Every life he cost was a flog in the continuous tearing down of his already tattered soul. He saw every one of their faces, the life leaving each one, the moments after that he hadn’t ever considered. Their fear and loss as they lay breathing their last, wishing for comfort.

The seeds he had sown across the galaxy, his legacy, was that of hopelessness. He suffocated the light in himself, and so many others, in his quest… for what? The void within him was never going to be filled. He knew that now.

He was a vacuum of a man, a hole where a heart should be.

In none of the images, none of the flashes did he feel the light reaching out to him. He saw it within himself, saw his struggle to suppress it. But circumstances kept all those from him that could have turned him, helped him.

No one came. But Rey.

She blazed brightly in his memories, the only reprieve from the horrors of who he was and what he had done. He tried so hard to fall to the dark, so much so that it was the only place he fit.

Nothing he could do would ever make up for it. There was no fixing this.

He relished the moments he was able to catch a glimpse of her, the closest he had ever felt to being truly alive.

Unfortunately for him it always ended the same way, her death the same laceration every time, a constant reminder of how it had felt, crawling up the bottomless pit of his grief to see her dead.

His sacrifice could have been noble, he knew some would see it that way. But for him, it was double-edged. The light in him urged him to save her, to ensure she had the life and family she deserved. The dark within retorted that it was too painful for him to bear, selfishly he could not stand the thought of losing her that way.

Those moments before his death, the sublime kiss that split him through and caused spreading fissures to the cracks already there, the most painful. Knowing that was all he would ever get. The closest to happiness he had ever felt.

Cruel to watch it disappear.

“Ugh!” he shouted in disgust, the echo travelling endlessly. He got up to leave, having had enough of this particular brand of torture, when he felt a shift.

It reverberated through the chasm, a vibration deep within the foundation of this world.

He heard the broken sobs, sensed her giving up, felt her swaying toward the dark.

What _was_ this? He hadn’t been able to sense her in any of the memories, had tried countless times to reach out, change things, to no avail. He didn’t recall this moment.

This was no memory.

“ _Forgive me_ ,” she begged. Her voice cracking and defeated.

He ran.

He chased the sound of her voice, endlessly searching for her, wanting nothing more than to take away whatever was hurting her so.

Eventually he found her, crushed under an invisible weight, her fingers gripping the floor, bloody and broken fingernails fighting against what was pulling her down.

“Rey!” He shouted into the void, but she couldn’t hear him, lost to her own misery.

He pushed hard against the image, but nothing changed, nothing gave way.

His fists beat against the surface, determined to break down the way between them, he shoved and clawed and hammered at the surface, desperate to get to her.

“ ** _Rey_** _!”_

Something must have broken through, her face lifted up, staring with confusion right at him, but somehow through him at the same time.

She pushed up from the ground, shaking, and scared. He could see it in the way her eyes darted, ever so slightly, looking for an escape, and yet… she came closer, her trembling hand outstretched.

Nothing happened when she touched her hand to the image, though he tried to push against the barrier he could not feel the warmth of her skin. A thin film, hard as Corusca gemstones stood between them.

“Rey, _god_ , Rey… Please. Please see me!” He shouted. She did not flinch against the sound. She seemed perplexed, studying whatever she was looking at closely, before closing her eyes.

He felt the film begin to rumble as she pushed her Force against it, it rattled against the might of the power she was sending down, and he saw her surroundings shudder as well.

Whatever she was doing was dangerous, she was going to get hurt.

“Okay, no… Fuck, no! Rey, you need to stop. Please, I’m sorry. I want to see you, talk to you more than anything, but not at this cost. Please, leave now!” He urged her, still she continued on.

He heard the howling surround her, a cry from deep inside the earth as the ground shook, and still she pressed on, a line creasing between her eyes, a droplet of blood escaping her nose.

“Come on, _Come on_!” She shouted, “I can feel it, I’m so close. Just show me!”

A crack sounded below her feet and up the image of her, splitting it in half, webs spreading out from the central breaking point, one more tap and they would shatter.

He felt some of that Force coming through, bursting into him, tiny and sharp.

It took their breaths away.

She stopped, feeling something, the same thing he felt.

Their connection, palpable again somehow.

Her eyes shot open, her vision clear, filling with tears as she searched for something.

“Ben,” she whispered, a choking sound escaping her throat.

Their eyes met for a split second before the image shattered, glass dropping in shards around them. Nothing but darkness remaining.


	8. Tython: Shatter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey deals with the aftermath of what she saw in the confessional, making a desperate escape from the cave before she can be buried in it's depths. Faced with a damaged ship and a raging planet, Rey fights to escape alive and continue on her journey to find Ben.

Tython: Shatter

Something had disturbed the flashes; the guilt had eased for just a moment and when she looked up that wall of Kyberite she could sense something beyond. Nothing was visible behind the murky green surface, but somehow, she knew something else was there.

She rose, pressing her hand to the crystal, the way she had when she had sought out the dark side for answers on Ahch-To. She felt the Force well within her, concentrated all her will onto getting the mineral to reveal what lay beneath.

The strain was unbearable, her power amplified to a degree that was almost too much for her body to bear, thanks to the crystal focusing it, the sun through a magnifying glass.

Just a little closer, just a little bit more. There _had_ to be a hidden aspect to all of this, otherwise what was she feeling?

She felt the earth start to shake with the intensity, crystals crashing to the floor, sharp and deadly, hitting the ground with intent. The Kyberite vibrated beneath her touch, trembling with the energy being passed through it.

 _Stop_ , her mind beseeched. She knew this was dangerous… and yet.

 _Just a little more, you’re so close._ The dark part of her was too alluring to resist. What did it matter if she was endangering herself? No one was waiting for her, she had no one to save. She could afford to be reckless, to be tenacious without concern for the consequences. Just this once.

Her body swayed under the pressure, her knees trembling with the quaking. A droplet of blood escaped her nose, its slow descent a prickle of unease on her skin.

She felt the earth give way, a massive crack, the sound like thunder filling the room, the Kyberite buckled, splitting right through.

She was too slow on the release, not easing up quick enough and she felt some of her raw energy sent through the void where the crack now was. The fracture splintered, spindly webs spreading, blooming over the green glass.

In that moment she felt it, the dimmest glow, within her… behind the wall.

She opened her eyes, not believing what spread through her, the malicious hope like a thorn in her side.

“Ben…” she managed, through the tears sitting heavy in her throat.

The second she said his name it was like a spell had been broken. A kaleidoscope of black, the image distorted, but she locked eyes with him and knew this was real. He was here, somehow. Alive.

Before she could reach for him the Kyberite collapsed, shards of crystal dropping at her feet, like a waterfall of knives, shattering around her. He was gone.

But… But that was real, right? She had felt him, she still did, faintly.

 _He’s alive, somehow_.

The heaving room pulled her attention, the deep rumble within the earth warning her that she had to leave, _now_ , if she was going to survive.

She ran, rocks crumbling from above, her heart sat in her throat, breathing shallow as she tried to make it out before the entire room collapsed.

She got to the wall that she had entered through, waiting for it to part, and nothing happened. She pushed her Force against it, but it would not budge. Rage and fear filled her; the dust thick in the air. She knew the room had a limited amount of air, especially with it crumbling down around her. Even if she avoided being crushed, soon she would suffocate to death, deep under the mountain, sealed away in this tomb.

The panic of that thought danced along her skin, frenzied she pushed at the wall, clawed at it.

“No. No!” She sobbed, desperate.

 _Use your pain, use your fear… it will only make you stronger_.

In her terror the thought sounded rational, calm almost, amidst the chaos surrounding her. Just this once, she could try it, just this once and if she lived…

Well, she would worry about that afterwards.

She felt the dark curl within her, seated deep in her core, heady and seductive.

Just this once.

She pushed, using all the energy she had, fueling her desperate attempt with the emotions that swirled inside. There was no time for meditation now, no peaceful resolution. She had to get out, alive, so she could find him again. For real this time.

The power felt thick, unnatural to her, but she pushed on, and felt the rock beneath her hands slowly give way.

She exploded out of the opening, landing heavy in the snow, crawling away from the collapsing mountain.

Her body ached from the strain, both physical and spiritual. She had to keep moving, even if all of the mountain did not collapse, the vibration from within would surely cause an avalanche. She didn’t have time.

She sprinted toward the ship, the freezing snow and her sodden clothing the last thing on her mind. Her chest ached, a pierce in her side as she ran, begging her to stop. Adrenalin proved stronger, she pushed through the pain, the lack of breath. Her head felt light and she knew that she only had a limited amount of time before her body succumbed to the stress. Between her excessive Force usage in the cave and her tortuous physical effort, she fought for the will to carry on.

The ship glinted in the distance, and it was in a rough state. She wasn’t sure she would even be able to take off, given how rough the landing had been. She owed it to herself to try. She would not go down without a fight. Not today, not any day.

She burst through the opening, struggling to slow her approach, landing hard against the back of the seat, the roughness knocking the wind from her chest. She held on tight, trying not to slip on the slanted floor.

She pulled herself over the top of the seat, collapsing hard. She pulled the buckle on and flipped the toggles. Thankfully the engine turned on, the lights in the cabin still flickered, sparks flying behind her.

“Come on, come on. Don’t let me down, _please!”_

She pushed the throttle down, urging the metal to move. The ship groaned beneath her, struggling with the abuse it had taken.

She cursed the fact that she hadn’t planned ahead, that she didn’t have a crew to help her… that she could potentially die here in a forgotten corner of the universe without knowing if her friends forgave her. Not knowing if Ben truly was alive.

The creaking ship eased itself forward, slowly sliding down on the snow, over the crest of the mountain and toward the dark storm clouds below. She felt the rumble of the mountain stop, a brief moment of respite, before she heard the crack, felt the ship slip, the snow below them unstable and racing with the force of gravity.

The snow gave way, the ship in freefall just above it.

She pushed the engine to capacity, pleading with the universe to see it though. Her stomach lurched as she fell, the pull of gravity so strong, sickening. Bile rose in her chest, burning her already-raw throat as she fought against the nausea.

The ship screamed with the effort, engines whirring with high pitched screeches, clanking, metal scraping and finally, finally… the rush of air returning as soon as they fought gravity, and won.

The craft shook in the air, dipping dangerously before sputtering to catch up.

“Please, we’re so close, just keep going,” she plead with the machine.

She wasn’t sure if they would survive the trip off planet, let alone the jump to hyperspace. According to the crude calculations she had made, the closest Resistance-friendly planet to where she was now, outside of the Deep Core, was in the next sector.

Coruscant was closer, but knowing about their history and their current Centrist mentality, she wasn’t sure she would find much aid there. A smaller planet, with a history of sympathy, would be a safer bet. She entered the coordinates and pressed forward, forcing the ship higher in the sky.

The atmosphere was thick, the planet teeming below her, seemingly angry at her destruction. She could still feel the pull of the Force, despite the fact that she had just erased thousands of years of Jedi history.

_Wouldn’t think about that now. Wouldn’t think about what was done to get out of there._

She broke free of the planet’s atmosphere, the gravitational pull finally easing, the ship breathing a sigh of relief, Rey set the craft to edge forward slowly and got up from the seat, knees weak.

She had to try and repair what she could, from inside the craft, to ensure that she could potentially make the jump to hyperspace safely.

Maz had left a rudimentary toolkit aboard, something Rey was very grateful for at the moment, and she set out to fix the flashing lights first. She had to circumvent portions of hardware that had suffered too much damage, to try and restore basic function. She was able to restore the lights in the cockpit, as well as unhook the sparking fuse that threatened to turn to flame.

Beside the two glaring problems she had just dealt with, she had also completely lost her landing gear. One of the engines was only at half power and they had a fuel leak that meant wasting precious time could mean the difference between being lost in space and being within a planet’s reach.

“It’s time, no more to waste. Either I make it or I don’t, but there’s no more room to hesitate,” she said to herself, her voice hoarse.

The ship made the jump, entering the dimension that made it possible to travel large distances quickly, breathing a small sigh of relief. She wasn’t safe yet, but hopefully she had done enough to ensure her survival.

With nothing to do but wait and see if she would make it, she tried to reach out with her mind, trying to connect with Ben. Nothing met her enquiry, but she could still feel something, the slightest tug against her conscience. A feeling.

She was sucked out of hyperspace, hurtling toward the blue and green planet, peaceful skies greeting her after the swirling mass of confusion on the forgotten planet.

The comms beeped, alerting her that someone had noticed her approach.

“Ground Control, this is Rey, Captain of the Firebird. I am a lone pilot aboard a Z-10 Seeker scout ship, severely damaged during travel, requesting permission to land,” Rey said through the microphone.

“Setting up a landing strip for you, captain. How severe is the damage to your ship?” the male voice asked, through the comms system.

“The exact extent is unclear, I am able to establish that I have damage to my engine, a fuel leak that has caused me to be almost out, and no landing gear,” Rey responded.

There was a pause in communication as Rey was sure they were running her credentials and trying to find the best spot for her to land.

“Captain, be advised that we have secured a larger area than normal for you to try and make an emergency crash landing, technicians will be on standby to assist and see you safely out of your craft. Please proceed to bay five” he sounded concerned, Rey didn’t blame him, the prospect of making a controlled crash landing was daunting, and not something she had much experience with.

“Copy that, approaching bay five. Thank you,” Rey said, setting the ship up for descent.

It was a jerky approach, not her finest work and definitely not the way she liked to fly. Flying was supposed to be exhilarating, an escape. Not something she needed help escaping from, and yet here she was, making her second crash landing in a matter of a day.

She set the ship down as carefully as she could, the engine sputtering all the way down, the cockpit uncomfortably hot, sweat dripping down her back as she set it down. The impact was still hard, but not as rough as her earlier landing, something her stomach was grateful for.

The ground team rushed over, Rey opened the door and undid her belt, staggering out of the craft, briefly glancing back to notice smoke emanating from the dying engine. A few technicians went to work extinguishing a small fire, Rey struggled over, coughing through the black plume that surrounded her.

She felt like she had been through a battle. Her clothes were wet from snow and sweat, her hair a ratty mess. Her hands were raw, fingernails chipped, bloody and broken. Body aches slowed her down and she felt the earlier urge to faint swirling around her, she couldn’t remember the last time she had eaten.

Someone must have noticed her distress because a young pilot from a hanger nearby rushed over to catch her, lending support under her arm.

“Are you okay?” he asked, brows knitted over eyes as green as the lush landscape surrounding them.

“I think so, I just need some rest, it’s been a long day!” Rey said, trying to inject humor into her voice, to offset how rough and pained she sounded.

“It looks like it, I’ll help you over to the shuttle, they will take you to the main terminal and you can meet with someone about your ship,” he reassured.

They walked, or rather she hobbled, over to the ground transport and he helped her brace herself up the stairs of the vehicle.

“Thank you for your help,” Rey said, relieved to finally be on solid ground and in civilization. He released his support on her arm as soon as she had cleared the doors.

“It’s no problem, welcome to Chandrila,” he said. A friendly smile the last thing she saw before the doors hissed shut.


	9. Chandrila: Inhale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey finds herself on the peaceful world of Chandrila and takes a much needed opportunity to recover from the hazardous events of the past few days. She meets a supporter of the Resistance, who may know more than she lets on.

Chandrila: Inhale

It was unlike anything Rey had ever seen. Chandrila combined the calm and agrarian feeling that she had experienced on some of the remote planets the Resistance had hidden on, but the city of Hanna was also a glittering jewel in the crown of technology and architecture. The city straddled the line between old and new, urban and rural, and a great many other differing mindsets.

Politics were discussed openly, without fear. Rey knew the First Order was over, and the free opinion expressed no longer held dire consequences, but even so it seemed like these people had been discussing things like this for years. Debate was the word of the day, and there was nothing backwards about this planet, despite their main industry and exports being agricultural.

The people were friendly, if a little shocked by her rough appearance, which she couldn’t blame them for. They seemed willing to help, or at least point out where help could be found.

She was put in contact with some mechanics and ship builders in the area that could help her with parts and repairs, most of the building was done on Corellia, but Chandrila had a decent trade and a multitude of ships being commissioned for building.

Despite the fact that the government was floundering and the uncertainty of currency change loomed large, they seemed willing enough to accept the credits she had. One of the mechanics recommended getting refreshments at the Old Gather-House, something Rey appreciated, especially since it felt as if her stomach had curled all the way back into her spine by the time she got her ship problem sorted out.

The Old-Gather House was confusing, built over centuries by various different waves of settlers. The lay-out left a lot to be desired, but in a way it reminded her of Maz’s castle on Takodana, filled with an array of people. Unlike Maz’s castle, the topic of the day was political intrigue, she heard many speculate on what truly happened on Exegol, and who would take power now that the Order had dissolved.

“Anything I can get you, love?” asked the bartender, smiling at Rey’s wide-eyed gaping at the room and the people within. Her smile settled soft into deep wrinkles, proving it was something she had done for much longer than Rey had even been alive.

“Vitajuice, if you have it?” Rey responded.

The bartender looked taken aback, but shrugged and went to work getting it put together for Rey. She handed the red drink to Rey, condensation gathering on the icy glass.

“So, what brings you to Chandrila?” She asked.

Rey bristled at the question, but took a deep breath to hide her unease. How could she explain the events that had led her here without sounding like an idiot, or a zealot? She settled on an easy answer.

“My ship sustained some damage during travel, this was the closest port that I knew of,” she answered, taking a sip of the drink she had only ever heard of from Leia’s stories.

It was sweet, with an edge to it that surprised her, the slightest bit of fire at the end of her tongue, her lips tingling.

She must have seen Rey touching her mouth, wondering at the pleasant numbness.

“It’s an interesting sensation, one that you never truly get accustomed to. It has fallen out of favor though, for flashier drinks, but I know a select few that preferred it above others. An old-fashioned drink, for one so young?” she phrased it as a question, letting it linger in the air.

Rey took another sip, enjoying the slow warmth that spread through her body, contrasting the zing on her lips.

“Truthfully, I had only ever heard about it from stories around base,” Rey said.

“Hmm,” she hummed inquisitively, “on base… Seen much fighting then?”

Rey’s mind flashed to the battles they had fought over the last year, the running and searching, and frenzy. It had been… too much.

The bartender seemed to see something in her face, before she could answer, not knowing whether to try to lie or not.

“Never mind, that look says it all,” she poured more of the drink into Rey’s rapidly emptying cup, “Have another, you deserve it,” she said.

Rey hadn’t realized that she had finished it so quickly, she was thirstier than she thought, and hungry to boot. Her stomach growled ferociously at her.

“Do you happen to serve food here as well? I’m sorry to admit that I don’t know much about Chandrila,” she said.

The bartender looked at her kindly, the small smile perpetually at the corners of her mouth, her salt-and-pepper hair was pulled back into a thick braid that hung all the way past her waist, the only parts Rey could see behind the bar.

“Technically we don’t, not in the cantina part of the Gather House, but I’m about to clock out and could show you a little hole-in-the-wall place where the locals like to eat?” she offered.

Rey nodded, reaching for more credits to pay for the second drink. The lady just shook her head.

“You needed it, and it gave me pleasure to make an old favorite, you can pay me by telling me your name,” she said.

“I’m Rey,”

“Hello Rey. I am Kashtha, but you can call me Kash,” she reached out over the bar, extending a worn hand, tan and furrowed with age. Her grip was still very strong, and Rey sensed somehow that she could trust her, if she had to.

“Meet me out front? I’ll be out in about five minutes,” she said, her eyebrow raised, waiting for Rey’s answer.

“Sure, thank you,” she said and watched Kash retreat through a door on the far side of the bar.

She made her way through the thickening crowd, happy to be leaving soon, the room was bustling with bodies and a band was setting up on a small stage in one of the various alcoves that made no sense structurally. It definitely was a weird and wonderful place.

She passed all races, multiple factions of humans and aliens, mingling. It gave her a sense of peace, and purpose. They had fought hard for a scene just like this, where people of all creeds and races could freely enjoy themselves, without the tyranny of the fascism that had come before.

The outside air was balmy, the slight breeze cooling the beads of sweat that had collected in the busy hall. The dying day smelt of hay, flowers and metal, a sharpness to the serenity. Crafts zoomed above, zipping along to rooftop parties and sky-high homes, backlit against a fiery sky as the sunset displayed its glory.

She was so concerned with the city that she hadn’t noticed Kash’s approach.

“Okay, Rey. Let us see to that poor stomach of yours,” she said, walking down the street and turning down an alley.

The wound their way through the metropolis, further from the shiny glitz of the city center, toward well-worn buildings and homes. People went about their days, coming home from working, relaxing into the languor of the evening.

They walked in comfortable silence, no real rush, just the easy rhythm of someone that knew their way and had walked it countless times. Kash’s braid swung with each step, almost having a life of its own. Rey was acutely aware of how disheveled and dirty she was, her head itchy, wounds aching.

She still wore her white pants, or formerly white rather. Ben’s black sweater hung loosely on her smaller frame, obscuring much of her body, including the lightsaber that bumped her leg with every step. None of her skin visible save for the spots where the holes were. They must have thought she was a vagrant.

They arrived at a double floor building, rough brick peeking through the plaster. It was an old building and held little luster compared to the metal towers from earlier, but it teemed with energy and laughter. Lazy Aubade music meandered out of the establishment, all the smooth sounds of Jizz, without all the wailing. It was like nothing Rey had ever heard, and everything she ever hoped and imagined it to be.

Kash got them a table and placed an order before Rey had even sat down.

“What did you get?” she asked.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s a popular dish in this region, hearty enough to get you your strength back!” She said loudly, trying to speak above the musicians that were making their way through the building.

Eventually the sound tampered down as they moved upstairs, presumably to another social area.

Their food arrived quickly and Rey dug in without bothering to ask what was in it, it didn’t matter much at this point. It had been so long since her last meal, the warm broth and soft vegetables were ecstasy.

“Rey, I’m not going to lie to you. I sense that you are in some kind of trouble, or that you are running from something. I don’t blame you, but I can’t help you unless I know why you need it,” Kash said, surprising Rey.

“Help me with what?” She asked.

“Do not act dumb, you may look young but I know you’ve seen and experienced more than most, it’s all in your eyes,” Kash said, serious for the first time since Rey had met her.

“I don’t know where to go from here. I’m on a quest, one that my friends do not know about, and would not support if they knew the extent of it. It started as something completely different, but here I am now… Stranded on the most amazing place I have ever been, and even though I feel like I’ve been through a luggabeast stampede,” Rey sighed, disappointed at herself for revealing so much, so quickly.

“I feel alone, and scared. It’s like I’m right back where I started, like the past two years meant nothing,” Rey lamented.

Kash reached her hand out, cupping Rey’s shoulder and squeezing lightly.

“I know it seems that way now, but time has a way of smoothing out the rough edges of our struggles, shaping us into what we were always meant to be,” Kash said, trying to allay Rey’s fears.

“I was there, through the thick of it,” Rey said, trying to remain vague.

“The Resistance?” Kash asked, eyes opening wide in shock and awe.

Rey simply nodded, shoveling another bite of the delicious food into her mouth, before she got too tired to lift any more.

Kash opened up her jacket, revealing the Resistance pin on the inside of the lapel.

“I know we do not need to hide it anymore, but it’s an old habit,” Kash said, “What you all did out there, the sacrifices you made… the Galaxy would not be standing right now, if not for you,” She said, the respect plain in her voice.

Rey finished the last of her meal, collecting herself before she tried to respond.

The admiration prickled, Rey was reminded of the visions in the Kyberite at the confessional, all the souls cut down by her hand.

“I’m no hero. We did what we had to do, and I am not proud. The pain I’ve caused, there’s nothing left for it now, I will carry my deeds with me until I die. I will always see the faces of the lives I cost, and the ones I lost,” she said, her voice a near whisper by the end, her hands gripping the hem of Ben’s shirt, fighting the urge to gather it closer to her chest.

“Hero or not, I thank you. Please, allow me to see to your room and board until you are cleared to continue on this quest. I have some friends that owe me a few favors, they will see to your comfort, for the time being. Let me help you, _please_?” Kash asked, her voice soft, as if she understood that help was not something Rey usually asked for, let alone accepted, and that her trust was hard-earned.

“I appreciate your offer, and I gladly accept. I feel like I’m about to collapse!” Rey exclaimed.

Kash laughed at the emphasis in the statement, and hastened to pay for their meals. Once outside Kash flagged down a passing vehicle and directed it back toward the city, up to the air and the sleek towers. She sent various messages through her communications device, eventually securing Rey’s room for the night. They flew up to the balcony, exiting the craft on the spacious outdoor area, glass doors separating her from a soft bed.

“I made sure they set out some clean clothes, I could take those for you and discard them, if you’d like?” She asked

“No!” Rey interjected, too quickly, and she felt her face flame with embarrassment, “That is to say, I will be holding on to these, but I appreciate the offer,” Rey said, trying to cover her previous blunder.

Kash paid no mind, or seemed not to anyway.

“No problem, as you wish. I hope this is sufficient. If you feel the urge to speak again, you know where to find me,” she said, offering an open-ended farewell.

“Thank you, Kash. For everything,” Rey said.

Kash boarded the craft again and sped off into the sky. The stars scattered throughout shone bright and sharp, somehow not dimmed by the dazzling city around her.

All in all, it wasn’t a bad place to try and catch her breath.


	10. Chandrila: Hold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is finally able to communicate with Ben through a Force dream, connected by the bond they share.

Chandrila: Hold

The apartment was stylish and comfortable, straddling the line between practicality and flair in a way that Rey wasn’t accustomed to. It was mostly white and bare, save for some blooming local flowers on the kitchen table, impersonal and tidy. Somehow Rey sensed that it had not always been this way.

She moved across the lounge area, through a door, to the bedroom. Diaphanous curtains fluttered from the window with the evening breeze, the city awake beyond, the whir of traffic a quiet hum in the air. The bed looked soft and inviting, but Rey could smell herself, and it wasn’t pleasant.

The acrid sweat, sour vomit and metallic blood were not the most tolerable smells on their own, combined they were almost enough to turn her stomach. Through the bedroom and off to the side was a door leading to the refresher. The door shut with a hiss and she was overwhelmed with relief at the sight of the large shower, multiple heads in different directions promising the deep clean she so desperately needed.

She unlatched her saber and laid it down beside the sink, inching her pants down, stepping out where they pooled at her feet. Ben’s shirt hung down over her thighs, obscuring most of her body, and most of the injuries she could feel. She peeled the shirt over her head, wincing at the tightness and pain in her muscles. Her stomach was bruised from her impact with the chair, her chest had an angry red welt where the belt had saved her from careening through the window.

Her fingernails were bloody stubs, catching on almost everything, painfully raw.

She was in worse condition than she had been for a while.

She set the pressure on the water to high and hot, steam already curling through the small room. Ben’s shirt clutched in her hand, she stepped into the shower and felt the first blissful spray of water. She lathered soap across the shirt first, tending to it before she saw to her own body.

It had come to be one of her most valuable possessions, second only to the lightsaber, and yet she didn’t sleep holding onto _that_. A thin pink trail dripped down from the shirt, the blood she had shed mingling with the pure hot water. Gently, she washed the only thing she had left of him, loathe to ruin it any more than it already had been.

Once she was satisfied with the cleanliness of it, she hung it over the door and set to work on removing days’ worth of dirt and bodily fluids. She stood under the water for so long her skin started to wrinkle, the pressure working out some of the tightness in her muscles, she hoped that sleep would see to the rest.

Eventually, she stepped out, wrapping herself in the lush robe, a towel keeping her hair up while it dried. Her thirst remained, despite the drinks at the Gather-House and dinner, so she walked over to the kitchen for some refreshment. While slugging down the cool water, Rey noticed something in the kitchen doorway, small markings on the bottom portion of the frame.

She knelt down, her hand reaching out to trace the lines. Her fingertips touched the line with a “2” beside it.

The Force rushed through her, the vision clear in her mind, similarly to when she had first touched the Skywalker saber.

A young, dark-haired boy, first crawling, then running through the kitchen, giggling. The same young boy standing in the frame, his height mark etched into the wood with a small knife. The boy scared and crying, a kitchen droid looming over him, carving knife drawn and whirring closer. She felt his joy, his confusion and his fear. His emotions permeated the space. Her mind filled with the snapshots of a life past, so close they seemed like only moments before.

As quickly as she was thrust into the vision she was done, her glass on the floor, water pooling around her bare feet, her hand trembling against the wood. Her fingers clutched the frame for support, feeling off balance and uneasy.

So familiar. And yet, the vision was unlike the other she had had, nothing made her want to run away this time. Instead she wished she could reach back through the vision and quiet the boy’s cries, appease his fears.

 _Ugh_ , this was all too much for her.

She went back to the bedroom, her mind lost on the past, and gathered the still slightly-damp shirt against her chest before she settled into bed. Heat and lush fabric soothed her skin, a warm hug after the pain of the past few days. Sleep seemed to catch her before she even felt herself relax, exhausted beyond comprehension, she hadn’t felt this tired since Tatooine.

The dream came upon her like the tide, gradual and benign, until she was neck-deep and unable to feel the ground. It was not like the one she had on Tatooine, this didn’t feel like a dream at all, it felt like an extension of the Force, following its thread, instead of being thrust directly into a memory. This felt like the precursor.

She was everywhere and nowhere all at once, none of it made sense and yet it felt like she was surrounded by the very fabric of space, the energy pulsing behind the Force. The tugging at the edge of her mind, the one that had been present since she split the Kyberite, now reached a frenzy.

It called to her, insistent, impatient. She followed the ribbon, searching with her feelings, determined to find him.

He was there, she felt him before she saw it, a shape, a silhouette, a man. He seemed surprised but pleased to see her. It reminded her of the conversations they used to have through their bond, where the only things they could see were each other.

She couldn’t tell where he was, surprisingly he had on the clothes he had died in, something that almost took her out of the dream completely, given that she was presently holding that exact shirt on Chandrila.

“You’re here…” he breathed, disbelieving.

“How?” she struggled, “how is this possible?”

They took each other in, scanning their eyes over every inch that was visible. Ben’s gaze lingered on her collarbone and Rey became acutely aware that she was in a fuzzy robe, her hair knotted up in the towel.

His hand reached out, arm fully extended to touch the terry cloth on top of her head, his chest held suspended, holding his breath, fingertips brushing the fabric.

“I’m sorry,” she blushed, “I didn’t know this was going to happen, I…” she gestured inanely at her attire, or lack thereof.

“You’re really here,” his voice caught, eyes shining with emotion before he launched himself at her, gathering her tightly to his chest, fistfuls of the robe swallowed up by those big hands.

She felt his breath in her neck, a sob building in her throat as she grabbed the back of his shirt, knowing the feel of the fabric by memory now, after so many sleepless and lonely nights.

He held her, just held her there for what felt like the longest time, neither of them speaking. Just listening to his heartbeat as he held her pressed up against his chest.

“This is not like the dream I had before…” she whispered.

“Hmm?” he asked, the hum reverberating through his chest, she could feel the vibrations against her cheek.

“I dreamt of you before, a little while after… but I think that was just a wish, it didn’t feel like this. This feels,” she broke off, unable to describe the wave of emotion, cresting and slamming against her heart.

“Real,” he answered for her, “I think it is, I… I don’t sleep, so this can’t be a dream.”

“Are you…” she couldn’t say it, didn’t want to know if there was still hope, he could sense the hesitation, the fear in the question.

“Honestly, I don’t know what I am right now. It’s been impossible to keep track of time. I have no idea where I am. I thought I was, until I saw you in that cave, whatever happened, whatever you did, it’s changed things,” he said.

She pulled back to look at him, the towel on her head pinched under his arm. He felt her discomfort and couldn’t stop the chuckle that escaped at her ridiculous appearance.

“Here,” he said, gently pulling it from her head, unfurling the brown curls, longer and darker in their damp state, “I’ll hold onto that for you.”

He looked, lighter somehow, younger. The stress and pain that seemed to linger around him had dimmed. His dark eyes teemed with feelings overflowing, the mask of composure and intimidation gone. No traces of Kylo Ren remained in his face, naked, every thought hers to read, if she so desired.

“We didn’t get to speak, before you saved me. I… I wanted to thank you, and yell at you, apologize, but mostly thank you, Ben…” she swallowed the tears that threatened to spill over, clearing her throat uselessly against the emotion.

His hand cupped her cheek, splaying the length of her face, but she felt no fear. She leaned into his hand, closing her eyes for just a moment, imagining that he was there with her, on Chandrila.

“I would do it again, a thousand times over. Seeing you there, like that, I couldn’t take it,” he said, his voice rough, the memory still haunting him.

She felt the grief rolling through him, the way his muscles tightened at the memory. Her hands trailed up over his back, soothing, down over his shoulders, trying to rub some warmth and care into his arms.

“Rey,” he whispered, his face contorted in pain she could not understand.

“Ben, what is the matter?” she asked, concerned for him, desperate to take it all away, quiet the unease within him.

“You’ll leave, you cannot stay asleep forever, and I will have to lose you again,” he said.

“I’ll come back, you know I’ll anything in my power to do so,” her hand reached up to cover his where it embraced her face, “You were right, something did change in that cave. Whatever happened, whatever I did, rekindled the spark in our connection, it woke the bond. I still feel you, I’m just not able to reach out to you when I am conscious,” she said, excited at the prospect of being able to see him again, when her mind was more open. “Ben, I’m coming for you. I don’t know where you are, but I will find a way,” she promised.

He shook his head, dropping his forehead down to hers, closing his eyes, as if to shut out hope for the impossible.

“Ben, I…” his lips found hers, before she could finish what she had intended to say. Her heart felt full to bursting, the excitement and surprise racing through her chest.

He worked at keeping calm, but she could feel the strain in his muscles, the way he held back, as if he was scared to unleash something locked deep inside. She returned the kiss, letting go of some of the pain and longing she had felt since that day on Exegol.

His hand tightened around her waist; the towel still gripped tightly against her, fisting the material. The fingertips trailing down her cheek, his hand came to rest against her collarbone, his thumb tracing the hollow of her throat. Goosebumps rose on her skin, and yet she felt too hot in the robe, flushed from head to toe. She held on tighter, willing the kiss to last forever.

Slowly, he pulled away, she could tell it was with much reluctance, and she took comfort in knowing that it wasn’t any easier for him than it was for her.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t hold back. I hope…” he swallowed hard, biting his bottom lip as if to commit the taste of her to memory, “I really hope I didn’t scare you, or hurt you,”

Rey could barely think coherently, her mind was glazed with the heady intoxication of him.

“No… not at all, I…” she stammered.

“I will come back to you, Rey. Even if it is only in dreams. I cannot resist you. The urge is too strong, wild horses couldn’t draw it from me,” he swore, his mouth a determined line.

“I’ll find you Ben, I’ll do whatever I can,” Rey said, desperation coloring her tone.

He shook his head at her again, but this time it felt less like a denial, and more like he couldn’t believe this was happening.

“You look like you’ve been injured Rey, and so tired. Are you taking care of yourself?” he asked, concerned.

“It’s been rough, there is no denying that, but I’m safe, that’s all that matters,” she responded.

Her tutted at her non-answer, not satisfied.

“Promise me,” he said, his voice low and thick, “Promise me you will not put yourself in danger for me again,”

He meant it, Rey could sense his resolve, his horror at the thought of her getting hurt, and she wondered again what it felt like for him when she had died.

“I cannot make that promise, Ben. I will not do you the disservice of lying to you when we both know that I will do what it takes. _Not_ just what is safe,” Rey tried to soften the blow, knowing that it wasn’t what he wanted. But there was no room for lying here, no half-truths to see them through.

The answer wounded him, his brows furrowed, darkly shadowing his eyes.

“Please, I cannot bear to lose you again,” he beseeched.

It was almost enough to break her resolve, the thought of hurting him with her actions was a physical pain.

“You will not, I swear it,” she said.

She could feel herself starting to drift away, this time the connection remained just as strong, but she became aware of her changing environment.

“I have to leave,” she said, panic filling her. What if they didn’t see each other again, what if this was it? “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“Until next time, my sweet Rey,” he replied. Pressing one last kiss to her forehead.

Rey awoke to the early morning light, the predawn air was brisk and she realized that she had not closed the windows or the shades before she fell asleep.

Her hair curled wildly over the pillow, splayed on the white fabric, and the realization made her sit up straight in bed, her heart racing. Her towel, the one that kept her wet hair contained, was nowhere to be found.


	11. Chandrila: Exhale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey confronts Kash to find out just how much she knows, and what she is hiding.

Chandrila: Exhale

Rey had no idea what to do with herself. She hadn’t been safe, hadn’t been able to just take a breath in such a long time. Even during those endless days on Jakku, where she waited for something that would never come, she had never been focused on the present. She obsessed about them coming for her, about the past. With the Resistance the goal had been survival, and fighting for the galaxy.

Now… now she didn’t know. She knew she had to find a way to get Ben back, and that was her main focus, but it made her wonder if she would ever reach a point where she could stop, catch her breath, enjoy the moment without hurtling ahead to the next thing.

Where would she even begin to look? He was caught somewhere between the living and the dead, his corporeal form was gone. So how would she be able to bring him back? What would happen to him if she failed? Would he pass on and truly become one with the Force, or would he be stuck forever? And if, _if_ , she did somehow manage to bring him back, how would that be?

He was hated throughout the Galaxy, there was no place that would be safe for him, the Resistance would reject him, the First Order was a thing of the past and even if any survivors were able to help, he had defected, betrayed them to save her and the Galaxy.

She still felt uneasy about it, and him, she knew that Ben Solo meant her no harm and a part of her loved him. They were bound, one soul in two bodies. But… he had also done such terrible things. She had seen some of the trauma and abuse he had endured, and it dawned on her then that the little boy being attacked by the kitchen droid in the vision had been him.

He had endured so much, he had lived his whole life with Palpatine and Snoke poisoning him and his spirit, but that wasn’t enough to excuse the choices he had made and the things he had done to her and others.

She wanted to believe that he had changed, wanted to give him the opportunity to prove that. She just didn’t know how that would be possible, there was no going back and changing the past.

She wondered if Kash knew more than she said. Just how was it that Rey had ended up in this apartment, that just _happened_ to have been Han and Leia’s? Rey herself hadn’t even know that they had been based here after the fall of the Empire, or that Ben had spent his earliest years here. One thing she was sure of was that she needed to know more.

Kash had left her with a change of clothes, neatly set out in back in the bedroom. Rey wondered at the lack of droids, no kitchen droid, no cleaning droid. It wasn’t unusual to have multiple droids per household, especially affluent ones. Just who did this apartment belong to, and why was it empty?

The more she thought about this, the more things just didn’t add up.

Why was Kash so eager to help?

Something about all of this was just _off_.

Rey changed into the outfit, slim grey pants and a blue shirt that was cropped close to the body, a snug fit compared to what she had arrived in. Kash had also provided a bag, which Rey appreciated. She didn’t feel comfortable wearing her saber openly, for some reason, a buried instinct seemed to urge against it.

She gathered Ben’s shirt, her remaining credits and her saber into the satchel and set out to find Kash. And hopefully some answers. She had no key and looked back at the bottom of the kitchen door frame one last time before leaving. There was no way of knowing if she would be able to come back here, and she wanted one final look at a piece of Ben’s history.

Rey had to stop and ask for directions a few times, the walk was not an easy one and her body still wasn’t happy with the demand, but she had endured worse. Eventually she stood outside of the Old Gather-House again and walked right in, seeking out the bar she had been in yesterday.

Kash was not the bartender on duty.

“Excuse me,” she said, flagging the bartender over, “I’m looking for Kash… uh Kashtha,” she said, when the nickname just drew a blank expression.

“She’s not here,” he said, impatient.

“Okay, well when will she be here?” she asked, her voice rising as he started walking away from her.

“I am not her keeper. She didn’t show up today. Not my problem, twice the money in it for me when I cover her shift. Now, either buy something, or get lost,” he said, again turning away from her to paying customers.

“Please, it’s important!” she said, using some of the Force energy to try and persuade him.

“She’s upstairs, in one of the private rooms, she was about to finish up a meeting a few minutes ago. If you go up now you may be able to catch her before she leaves,” he said, his eyes glazed as his mind yielded to her influence.

She rushed upstairs, trusting her feelings to lead her to the right room, a hooded figure rounded the corner out of one of the rooms, just as she made it to the top step. She rushed over to the door and found Kash still inside, leaning back in a chair, eyes closed, her forehead pinched in a frown.

“Who are you, _really_?” Rey asked from the doorway and Kash sat up in shock.

“Rey, I didn’t expect to see you so soon. I hope you feel more rested today,” Kash said, her demeanor switching to business mode, a small smile on her face to quell Rey’s anxiety.

“Answer the question,” Rey said, her voice low and harsh, distrust filling her, muscles tensed and ready for a fight.

“I don’t know what you are talking about, I told you last night, I was with the Resistance and I only wanted to help,” Kash said.

Rey could sense that there was more, and this time she wasn’t going to hold back.

“What exactly do you know about me? What connection do you have to the apartment you put me up in last night?” She asked.

Kash sighed, realizing that Rey’s resolve ran too deep to placate her with the same vague prattle as last night. Her mind was no longer clouded by pain and exhaustion.

“I really am with the Resistance, Rey,” Kash said, her voice tired, “the question here is, are you?”

Rey didn’t know how to respond, how to begin unfurling the mass of confusion that came up with the question. She had given everything, even her _life_ for the Resistance and its cause.

“I was friends with General Organa, when she first lived here on Chandrila, before the Resistance was even formed. Your drink choice was what tipped me off. I was able to send some comms out, I truly was concerned for you. You were in such bad shape when you arrived,” Kash got up, walking toward the window, her hands braced on the sill as she took a deep breath.

“I checked in with the Resistance, to see if anyone was looking for you or concerned for you. And they were, but not for the reasons that I thought.”

She turned back around, crossing her arms across her chest as she faced Rey.

“Why were you in the Deep Core?” Kash asked.

“I went there to absolve myself of the guilt I felt for my part in the battle,” Rey answered.

Kash scoffed at that, her face hardening.

“What guilt? What guilt could you possibly have felt at ending a tyrannical regime?” Kash asked, incredulous.

“I killed people,” Rey stated, simple and clear.

“Bad people, people with no regard for humanity, for _life_ at all. They wiped out entire planets!” Kash exclaimed, her voice rising in intensity.

“I know that, I do. But do you not hear what you’re saying? You despise their lack of regard for life and scoff at me for feeling guilt at ending their lives,” Rey tried to reason with her, tried to explain that it wasn’t about them, but about what killing them was doing to her.

“It’s not the same!” Kash yelled.

“Why not? Why is it not the same? How many have we killed, have _you_ killed?” Rey asked.

Kash’s eyes narrowed, that smiling mouth now a thin line. She made her way over to Rey and for the first time since they had met, Rey felt trepidation at her approach.

Kash no longer looked as old as Rey had thought, she looked ripped and raring for a fight, and Rey had no doubt that Kash had far more experience.

“Just whose side are you on, Rey?” Kash asked, and Rey knew that things were not going well.

“What kind of question is that? I gave my _life_ for the Resistance!” Rey shouted.

“And yet, here you stand. Miraculously restored. It seems you have more of your grandfather in you than we may have thought,” Kash retorted.

“I… How…” Rey sputtered, shocked to have her lineage so casually thrown at her, the barb cutting deep, “How do you know that?” She finally managed.

“I’ll ask again, what were you doing in the Deep Core, and what exactly is the quest you said you were on… the one your _friends_ wouldn’t approve of?” Kash asked.

“How do you know about my lineage?” Rey shot back.

“We’re just going in circles here, and I do not have time to waste. If you won’t give the information up willingly, you leave me no choice,” Kash said, advancing on Rey slowly, her mouth set, “I am under strict orders to bring you in, you are a liability and a danger to the peace that we are trying to establish,” she had her hands raised, ready to grab Rey.

“Orders from who, and why?” Rey asked, confused how things had so suddenly changed.

“From the same person who made your identity known throughout the Galaxy. You were only allowed to land here because we knew who you were, your ship’s code was flagged,” Kash said.

Maz…

But why would Maz betray her like that? Maz had seemed so helpful, so understanding?

“The alert was sent out after your sudden departure and your questionable loyalties were made known,” Kash said.

“Again, I don’t understand why my loyalty is in question. I trained and fought for the Resistance from the beginning, I sacrificed my life to save you all!” Rey felt the fear rising in her throat. What was happening here?

“ _Again_ , here you stand, very much alive. Why is that?” Kash asked, her tone mocking Rey’s previous statement.

“I…” Rey didn’t know how to respond, without digging the hole deeper, without alienating herself even more.

“Whose shirt were you wearing when you arrived? Clearly it was too big for you, it didn’t belong to you, and yet you were so reluctant to part with it. _Why?_ ” Kash pressed on, mere feet from Rey now, her body poised.

“What does that have to do with any of this? My clothes were damaged in my landing, I told you that!” Desperation welled in her chest, almost choking her.

“You told me quite a few things that didn’t turn out to be the truth. Either you give me answers now and we do this the easy way, or…” Kash trailed off.

Rey did not respond, not sure how to get out of this without a fight, without endangering herself. There was no way she could get off of this planet if they were watching her every move.

“Who does your loyalty belong to?” Kash asked, “Because you’ve rid yourself of the only ties you had to the Resistance. You buried Luke and Leia’s sabers in the sand, left your friends behind, forgotten! You went to absolve yourself for the wrong deeds you committed. But I just do not see how you could think that, unless your devotion lies with another. With the one who brought you back from death with the dark powers he possessed,” Kash spat at her. “You’ve already proven yourself guilty. We watched you in the apartment, watched you go to bed with his shirt, moaning his name in your sleep, you Sith _whore!”_

Rey stepped back, the shock so sharp she felt as if she had been slapped. It had been a trap, a test, and she had failed without even trying. Her hand reached into the satchel, fingers wrapping around the hilt of her saber, ready for the fight.

Kash rushed forward, her hands wrapping around Rey’s shoulders, pushing her up against the wall, the back of her head slamming against the stone.

“Get off of me!” Rey shouted, pushing back against Kash trying to get away.

Kash slid her foot out, tripping Ray and sending her falling. Rey rolled out of the descent and came back up onto the balls of her feet, ready to fight, ready to run. Her saber rolled out of the bag with the movement, just out of reach.

Kash pulled a whip from her hip, the crack loud in the air as she sent it singing through the air, the leather wrapping itself around Rey’s neck in a perverse embrace. Rey struggled for breath, one of her hands coming up to pull at the leather uselessly.

Rey used her other hand to call the saber to her, igniting the golden blade and cutting through the whip. The leather finally gave and she gasped in a necessary breath.

Rey kicked Kash in the stomach, sending her careening back, falling onto the floor. She stood over her, the tip of her lit saber at Kash’s throat.

Kash just looked at the blade and then up at her and laughed, a small trail of blood drifting its way down the corner of her mouth.

“The general was right about you,” Kash said, wheezing through the breath that had been knocked out of her chest, pushing up onto her arms.

_The general…_

_Poe?_

_Poe_ had done this? Tracked her and had her followed, betrayed the secret of her lineage and the sacrifices made on Exegol?

Kash’s smug look was too much for Rey to take, she felt the dark whisper racing through her, the vein of anger pulsing with the desire to cut her down. She fought hard to tamper it down but it would not abate.

She turned the toggle switch, deactivating the saber, the soft hum of the crystal now silent.

“You know _nothing_ about me, and neither does he,” Rey said, watching the smile fade from Kash’s face before she swung the hilt. The ark of her backhand a slice through the air, the thud of metal against flesh, the soft crunch of her cheekbone giving under the blow. The back of her head hit the stone, her eyes fluttering shut, unconscious.

Rey didn’t know where she was supposed to go now, what to do.

Her friends didn’t trust her. They had betrayed her and sent someone after her, like she was a criminal. Like she was the bad guy.

She looked down at Kash’s body, sprawled on the floor, her hair pooling around her head.

Maybe she was.

Either way, she had to get out of there, and fast.


	12. Chandrila: Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Rey has confronted Kash and her friends' betrayal is made clear, she has to run for her life. Pushing herself to the brink of exhaustion to escape their watchful eyes and the treat of being arrested, she has to use her powers to try and make it off of Chandrila, alive.

Chandrila: Escape

Rey raced through the building, determined to get as far as she could before someone accosted her again. She had no idea how many people were watching her, how much time she had before they came for her.

Her body protested the strain, her run more of a limping dash down the street, toward the dark alleyways they had travelled last night, away from the busy parts of the city.

She had to get away from here, away from Chandrila. She didn’t know who she could trust, all the assets she thought she had at her disposal, all the contacts she knew were tainted. Poe was afraid of her, afraid of what she would do. How could she blame him? Force users were dangerous, more powerful and unpredictable than the common foot soldier. Combined with the fact that she had made so many rash decisions and had a soft spot for their enemy, it was basically pointing to treason. Add into the mix that she was from the darkest line of Sith that they had seen in generations…

She shouldn’t have left them so quickly, shouldn’t have trusted that they would just keep the secret and let her go on her merry way. They had countless lives to think of, they were trying to build trust with the Galaxy, form a new government. She jeopardized that, undermined all of it with how she muddied the line between the light and dark, the Jedi and the Sith, the Order and the Resistance.

Her mind jumped to the mirror cave on Ahch-To, her biggest fear revealed, having only herself to rely on… now realized.

She was alone.

Panting, she stopped in an alleyway, darkly shaded and hidden from the streets. She had no idea if they had embedded any kind of tracking material into the clothes they had given her. She pulled the blue top off, tossing it aside, pulling Ben’s shirt over her head. She hated to get rid of the pants as well, knowing that it would make her look very conspicuous, but she had no choice.

High above her, spanning between the two buildings, where the top was kissed by sunlight, someone had hung their laundry out to dry, impossible to make out the exact items. She hoped that she could find an alternative there.

She began her perilous climb, bricks jutting out of the buildings the only option she had. Her fingertips protested, skin ripping as she held on with all she had. Windowsills, balconies, each a valuable tool and opportunity to rest.

Eventually she could see the clothes, judge the sizes from afar, none ideal and none practical, but it would have to do. Her fingernails were stubs, bleeding from the cracks in the skin. She couldn’t climb anymore.

Children’s clothing, small painstakingly-made items filled the line, not an option. A large smock fluttered gently in the breeze, too large but it would have to do, a scarf dancing in the wind beside it. She focused her energy, pulling the clothes toward her with the Force. The line arched toward her with the effort and she hoped that the peg would give way before the line did. She would hate to see all the clothes in the filthy gutter below.

The dress gave way, wooden pegs breaking in half, fabric floating down toward her, the scarf came next and she tied both around her waist as she made her careful descent. Once back on solid ground she discarded the pants, pulling the dress over Ben’s shirt, too hot, but she couldn’t risk carrying the bag.

She tore a strip off of the bottom of the dress, using the fabric to secure her saber to the outside of her thigh, hidden below the smock. Donning the scarf over her head, the hood obscuring most of her face, she disposed of her credits and the items given to her by Kash. She couldn’t be sure that they were unable to track her through her purchases.

As much as it pained her, she was back to being Rey, the scavenger. But this time she was grateful. The years she had spent on Jakku, running, fighting, stealing for survival… it left her better equipped to deal with this situation.

She wasn’t going to be able to make it out of here, off of Chandrila, the legal way. It was up to her to find a means, easy or not, right or not. Who knew what they were going to do to her if she didn’t?

She cursed herself for leaving the Jedi texts behind, for not taking one of the droids with her, thought it would probably have been a bad idea. Because now she had to rely on her own faulty memory for the thousands of years of knowledge. Something, in one of the texts had spoken about vergences, and she herself had experienced how places strong in the Force held a mystical air, defying reason.

Ahch-To, the planet with the confessional, Dantooine. All of them had immense power, all of them strong in some aspect of the Force. On two of the planets she had visions, of the past, of the future. If she could just find one powerful enough maybe it would hold the key to finding Ben.

 _You know there are other places, strong with The Force_ , the thought came unbidden, and Exegol came to mind, as well as Moraband, the infamous Sith home world. Both were further out, in the Outer Rim and Unknown Regions, dangerous to get to, especially now that she was being monitored.

If she could make it to one of the other cities, maybe she could depart with less suspicion, it might be easier to steal a craft from a less busy port. Hanna was big, but that also meant that there were more eyes, more danger.

She drew upon her powers, filling herself with the Force, ready for any strike against her. She walked until it was dark, and her feet felt blistered and raw. She had made it beyond the city, further into the countryside. Still, she followed her feelings, knowing that it was her best option.

She rested briefly under the stars, only sleeping long enough to replenish herself before pushing on further, sweat dripped down her body, trailing down her spine. Still she pressed on, on foot she didn’t have much of an advantage, but Chandrila had a decided lack of animals that were suitable for travel.

Squalls passed by now and then, their small bodies darting in and out of the farm land, long ears bouncing as they ran and jumped. By the end of the day Rey considered catching one to eat, her energy was fading fast, hunger overtaking her. But in the distance she could see the outline of something on the horizon, so she pressed on. On the brink of collapse, her mouth felt like Jakku, parched and barren, begging for a drop of water.

She had no idea how to measure how far she had gone, but she guessed that she had walked for over twenty hours, minimal breaks in between and only two hours of combined rest. She had to be outside of danger, at least for now, if she had managed to evade any followers.

They should still be looking for her in Hanna city.

Another city glistened before her, the sun glaring off of the conical peaks of some of the skyscrapers, dusk imminent. She was so close.

By the time she made it to the outskirts the sun kissed the horizon, the black sky behind her filled with stars. Craft flew through the air, settling along buildings, zipping onto their destinations.

It was smaller than Hanna, warmer and more spread out, less tall. She walked the streets, her feet numb, thankfully. She knew peeling the shoes away from her bloodied and burst blisters would be excruciating later. First, she had to find food and water, and then a craft capable of hyperspace jumps. She didn’t have any moments to spare, no time to wait and think. This was about survival, her chances at escape were slim, narrowing the more time passed.

She found a tavern, bustling with bodies, and she pulled the scarf down over her head, wrapping some of it around her mouth to obscure more of her face.

She walked up to a server, her tray laden with drinks.

“Thank you for my drink, I will take it from you now,” Rey said, reaching for the jug of water.

“I’m sorry but this isn’t…” The server interjected.

“I said, thank you for my drink, hand it over,” Rey said, waving her hand, sending the command through the Force, her energy almost depleted, but it did the trick.

“Here you go,” the server said, handing Rey the jug and walking away.

Rey lowered the scarf slightly to angle the delicious liquid over her cracked lips. She gulped it down, desperate, her stomach bloating at the sheer volume of water after such a long absence. Rey coughed, unable to keep swallowing and breathing without choking.

She set the jug down on an empty table and kept walking, deeper into the tavern. Nobody seemed to pay her mind, busy as they were with their own meals and conversations. She was not the strangest patron, the place teemed with all sorts, some scantily clad, others as covered as she was.

Another server passed by, tray heavy with food, and Rey used her influence again to pilfer one of the plates, already stuffing her face before he had walked away.

By the time she had finished the meal the fatigue seemed complete, she had hit a wall, almost unable to continue, body ready to collapse. She forced herself to stay awake, to stay on her feet.

The third time a server walked by she grabbed the top of their arm, drawing their attention. They looked over in annoyance and confusion, unhappy with being interrupted during their task.

“Where is the spaceport?” Rey asked.

“Let go of me, I have a job to do here,” the server retorted.

Rey was getting annoyed, anger filling her with each difficulty, the exhaustion and pain not helping her stay calm.

“Where is the _damn_ spaceport?” she whispered, menace in her tone, the Force shooting out of her hand and through the server’s arm.

She saw him gulp, fear in his eyes as he looked into hers for the first time.

“Just a few kilometers down the road, on the west side of the city, you can’t miss it,” he said.

“You never saw me here,” Rey said, whispering the command to him, watching his eyes glaze over.

“I never saw you here,” he responded, carrying on to the table he had been aiming for before her interruption.

She walked back out, down the busy street, keeping her head down and her face obscured. So close, so close. _Keep going_.

The pain was unbearable, her muscles screaming from what they had endured the past few days. Rey thanked her hours of training, for the stamina and mental fortitude it had taken to keep going, through the pain.

 _Use it_ … a voice urged.

She focused on her pain, using it to force herself onward, her hands balled into fists at her sides.

The port loomed large, crafts landing and taking off with blasts of fuel and fury.

She crouched through some of the brush surrounding the takeoff pad. Pilots were hanging around talking, some were already on board and preparing for takeoff.

She noticed a smaller craft, on the edge of all the excitement, cockpit lights on but no pilot in the seat yet. Perhaps she could use that. It was small enough that she could probably man it on her own, it would mean less of a crew to take down, if it came to that.

Sneaking on board through the open door, she made it inside, the hallway leading to the cockpit clean and well maintained. As soon as she started toward the cockpit, she heard a voice from the cabin speak.

“Okay, setting our course off planet,” a male voice said, and Rey heard the clicking of switches being flipped. The door hissed shut behind her and she fought the panic that rose in her throat. Looking around she searched desperately for a place to stowaway before the ship blasted out of orbit.

The only option, beside the bedroom at the end of the corridor was a supply closet, an enclosed space would do better for takeoff and landing.

She carefully opened the door, again was pleased to not how orderly and clean the closet was, and sat down on the floor, shutting the door. The only light coming in was through the small slats in the door, illuminating the area above her head, just enough to make out crude shapes of repair and cleaning equipment.

She couldn’t make out much from her curled-up position. She had to sit with her knees up against her chest in order to fit, but the smaller she made herself, the less likely she was to be found or injured with the movement in travel.

“BB, have you calculated the hyperspace jumps, yet?” he asked and was met with excited beeping.

“I’ll take that as a yes. Alright, we are ready to go,” he said and she felt the craft vibrate under her as it started to move, “Ground control, this is captain Izar of the freighter Starfire, preparing for takeoff from dock A3,” he said into the comms.

Rey couldn’t see him, or his droid, but she figured it would be safer to approach them after the craft had left the planet. It would raise less questions than a pilot with a missing ship back on Chandrila.

“Affirmative captain, proceed with your approach,” the response came from the comms unit.

The small freighter picked up speed, lightly jostling Rey, some of the supplies rattling against their restraints above her head.

She wrapped her arms around her knees, laying her tired head on top of them and closing her eyes just for a second.

The ship lurched as it left the ground, gravity trying to suck them back down, engines pushed to the max until she finally felt it release them, easing out into a more relaxed coast.

“Okay, prepare to make the jump to hyperspace,” he said, his voice sounding further and further away as Rey drifted into a quiet sleep, the events of the past few days having caught up with her. Finally, she was safe enough, for now, to rest her eyes for just a little while.

No dreams interrupted the black cocoon of sleep, further lulled by the gentle rocking of the craft in flight, the hum of the engine a lullaby that she couldn’t resist. As much as she wished her mind would take her back to Ben, she knew that this restorative rest was what she needed, desperately.

She was woken abruptly, light flooding the small space as the door stood wide open, a large figure backlit, looming over her.

“Who the hell are you, and what are you doing on my ship?”


	13. Starfire: Freedom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey manages to escape, how will the captain react to a stowaway? Will she make it safely to her next destination, and find a way to bring Ben back?

Starfire: Freedom

Rey’s mind couldn’t catch up quick enough, the heavy fog that drowned her with peaceful stupor, now prevented her from coming up with a convincing lie or a feasible plan.

“I’m sorry,” fell from her lips instead. The quiet sincerity in her voice seeming to surprise them both.

He reached his hand out, offering to help her up.

Rey reached hers up in response, his calloused palm swallowing hers in its depth, pulling her to her feet.

Her body protested, the cramped quarters had done nothing to help her pulverized muscles, in desperate need of a hot soak.

She blinked the sleep from her eyes, adjusting to the bright lights of the corridor and the pilot that had unknowingly aided a fugitive. He looked almost as tired as she felt, his greying hair was pushed back, out of his face, the lines of fatigue pulling down the corners of his mouth and eyes. Dark circles ringed his green eyes, serious as he surveyed her. He also had several days-worth of growth on his face, spiced with grey, just like his hair.

He seemed to be taking her in, and she could only imagine what she looked like, after her trek and all the abuse she had put her body through over the last days. She had no idea what day it was anymore, it felt like she was constantly on the run, with no time to truly rest in between.

“Are you going to cause me trouble?” he asked, releasing her hand, staring her down.

Rey didn’t know what to make of him, of this whole situation. She had expected to use a Mind Trick, or knock someone unconscious and steal their craft. She hadn’t planned to stowaway with a total stranger.

“Probably,” she answered, truthfully, and she was rewarded with a surprised bark of a laugh. He rolled his eyes at her, his face softening into a wry smile.

“Well, at least you’re honest. And you didn’t do a number on me when you had the chance. So, I won’t boot you off immediately, despite my better judgement,” he said, heading back toward the cockpit.

Rey wasn’t sure if she was supposed to stay, so she followed him. The black canvas of space stretched out before them, stars streaking by as they travelled through hyperspace. The sight of it still amazing to her, making her feel so immensely small.

A BB unit beeped excitedly at her entrance.

“Don’t worry, I mean you no harm,” she said to the droid. It was tan plated, agitated and seemed unable to keep still, surveying her from all angles.

“This is BB3, astromech droid and pilot extraordinaire,” he introduced the droid to her, trying to keep the irritation from his voice, the beeping truly was becoming excessive.

“Hello, pleased to meet you,” Rey responded. This seemed enough to calm the droid down, backing away, it went back to its spot in the cabin.

“I’m Izar, and this masterful piece of equipment is the Starfire,” he gestured up at the ship, and she had to concede that it was a thing of beauty.

It ran almost as smooth as Kylo Ren’s TIE Whisper, another gorgeous ship that was arguably the best she had ever flown, despite what it was used for and how it ended up.

“She is beautiful,” Rey agreed and he looked bemused at her statement, whether it was because Rey had just referred to the ship as a ‘she’ or the fact that she cared about the ship at all, she would never know.

“Care to introduce yourself?” he asked, eyebrow cocked in question.

“It would be safer for you if you didn’t know who I was. I promise I will be out of your way as soon as possible, I just needed to hitch a ride off-planet,” she shrugged, hoping that he would accept her answer.

“O- _kaaay_ ,” he stretched it out, the word itself becoming a judgement and a question all rolled into one, “believe it or not, this is not the first time this has happened to me, so we’ll leave it at that. I’m travelling to Rakata Prime, not too many stops on the way there and plenty of small hyperspace jumps, so you may need to brace yourself, if you intend to stay aboard…” he let the sentence linger, almost more of a threat than anything else.

“The Unknown Regions?” Rey asked, her mind jumping to Starkiller Base and Exegol, both places that had changed her immensely.

“Think you can handle that?” he asked and she fought back a mirthless laugh.

Her resolve hardened, her decision almost made for her, fate dragging her back toward the black hole of loss that haunted her. She had been racking her brain, trying to find a way back to Ben. Wouldn’t it just a real _bitch_ for it be where she lost him in the first place?

She hoped that another alternative would present itself before she had to make that choice, before she was out of other options. For now, it was enough to know that she was headed away from danger.

“I’m stronger than I look,” came her response, laced with steel.

“Right, now that we have that settled, why don’t you make use of the refresher and catch a quick nap? I need you in working condition, and right now you look like you’ve been dragged through all of Chandrila, and then kicked,” he waved her down the hall, toward the sleeping quarters on the ship.

One of the rooms was already accounted for, the bed made but a thick leather-bound book sinking onto the mattress. Just down the hall was another room, bed bare, the essentials tucked away in a cubby beside the door.

The refresher was across from her room, one of the furthest points from the cockpit, having curved toward the other side of the ship, so she could no longer hear or see Izar or BB3. She was astonished to find that the refresher had a water shower. Some ships had to make do with other cleaning methods. But she was grateful, and in dire need.

She made quick work of scrubbing days-worth of sweat and dust from her body, careful again with washing Ben’s shirt, less so with the smock. One of her first priorities would be to either steal or fashion some new clothes, the smock just really was not practical to move in.

Wringing out as much water as she could before setting the shirt and her undergarments beneath the air dryer, she worked at cleaning the blood and dirt from what was left of her fingernails, a painstaking and slow task.

Finally, she slipped the warm shirt over her head, the hem falling down to her mid-thigh, obscuring her undergarments sufficiently enough for her to feel okay with racing through the gap of the corridor to her room, the rest of her clothes and her saber bundled against her chest. Shutting the door and locking it with a click, she breathed a sigh of relief.

She made fast work of the bed, settling into the covers, tears smarting at the corners of her eyes. Nothing could have felt better in that moment, the soft give of the bed beneath her felt like heaven on her bruised and battered body. She took a moment, caught her breath with her eyes closed and pulled on the tether, the one connecting her to Ben.

She couldn’t see him, couldn’t feel his emotions, but she sensed him there, at the other end of the line. She desperately hoped that she would see him tonight, needed the comfort of a familiar face, one that she could trust. Fading into sleep, she tried to stay focused on their connection, and it seemed to pay off.

He sat, cross-legged, his eyes closed, mediating it seemed.

“Ben,” she said.

His eyes shot open, those dark pools always the most transparent part of him, even when the rest of his face was a carefully trained mask. She saw the play of emotion in them, felt the series of feelings that rushed through him. Surprise, relief, happiness, and then overwhelming concern.

“Rey, oh no, Rey… what happened? How long has it been?” he asked, eyes trained on her face.

Honestly, she had no idea, two days, maybe three at this point. She was surprised that she had been able to bring the bed with her, materializing underneath him, so he sat at the foot of the bed, her under the covers.

“A few days, since we saw each other last,” she said, tired.

“You promised me!” he protested, concern giving way to anger and frustration.

“It’s not my fault! It hasn’t exactly been easy, you know. It’s not like I like putting myself through all of this,” the frustration leaked into her own voice, the pain and fear of the past few days finally caught up to her.

“What has happened, we didn’t get to speak much, but I feel the turmoil within you?” he seemed pained by it, hating to see her this way.

“Since I lost you… I’ve been quite lost myself. Nothing seems right anymore. I fought with my friends after I told them the truth, they turned their backs on me, and in my quest for absolution I found you, and a new purpose. They’re after me. They betrayed me,” she took a shaky breath, trying to keep the emotions at bay, “They consider me a threat, and they’re after me. To make it worse, everyone now knows that I’m a Palpatine,” she sniffed, tears leaking down the side of her cheeks as she stared up at the bedroom ceiling.

“Oh _Rey_ ,” He breathed, understanding the burden of a name, a legacy that preceded everything you did, marking you before you even had a chance to prove yourself. His hand reached out, covering her thigh, stroking his thumb over the blanket, trying to imbue a tiny bit of comfort.

The sobs built in her chest, racking her body with each harsh shake, every desperate breath. She turned onto her side, trying to curl up into a ball, desperate to minimize the hurt.

He moved over, crawling to lay beside her, pulling the covers aside. Double-taking when he saw what she was wearing.

“Rey… are you wearing?” he asked, not daring to finish the question.

“Yes, okay,” snag, breath, sob, “It’s your shirt,” sniff, breath, “I have no idea why you still have yours when I held it in my hands when you disappeared!”

He looked down at himself, as if realizing it for the first time, the fact that they somehow both wore the same shirt.

“I was going to ask if you had any undergarments beneath what I could see, but you can have the other shirt too, if you want,” he said, the edges of his mouth curling up into a silly smile, the suggestion ridiculous under the circumstances.

“Now is not the time for that, you big brute!” she cried, the pain and exhaustion too much for her to bear, the humor not doing what he had hoped.

“I was only trying to joke,” he pouted, lying down beside her, gathering her up against his chest.

She buried her face in the dark curve of his neck, his arms coming around her, a safe haven.

“Since when do you joke?” she asked, the words muffled against his skin.

“I don’t know, Rey. You do many things to me that I never thought possible,” he responded, his voice darker than the sentiment implied. She knew he must be thinking of his sacrifice, his turn to the light.

The sobs quieted to occasional catches in her breath, her head heavy from the crying.

“What are you doing to yourself? I don’t have my powers, so it’s difficult for me to fully sense what you’re feeling, but what I can feel is… so dark, _unbalanced_ ,” he asked, trying to keep the worry from his voice, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head, breathing in her damp hair, the scent of her warm body.

“I don’t know, Ben. Like I said, without you everything just feels _wrong_. I keep fighting these thoughts, urges. I keep slipping. I’m worried I might reach a point that I can’t come back from and then they’ll all be right about me,” she whispered, confessing her deepest fears to him, admitting out loud for the first time how much of a pull the dark had.

“You have to keep fighting it, Rey. I know, I _know_ how alluring it is, how difficult it can be. But you have to, _please_ , for me… for yourself,” he said, his hand tracing patterns into her back, fingertips light against the fabric, the whisper of a touch.

“I’m trying, but there are things I need to do, that may require more of me than I have to give freely,” she said, thinking of what it might entail to bring him back.

“What does that mean? What are you trying to do?” he asked.

She scoffed against his neck, pulling back to looked at his face, his expression alarmed at the prospect.

“I’m trying to find a way to you. You said it yourself, we’re a dyad in the Force, and I have your lifeforce within me, alongside my own. That’s why I’m unbalanced, that’s why I’m still able to see you and why you have not passed on to fully become one with the Force. One cannot go without the other, your soul is tethered to mine. So, I have to fix it, or we’ll both go mad,” she said, the truth of her words sinking in between them.

“I pray to whoever is listening, whatever joined us together, for that not to happen. We will figure it out, Rey. And I will wait for you, for as long as it takes, even if it means waiting all your life for you to become one with the Force,” he said.

“No, you don’t understand, Ben. I’m not asking you to wait for me. I’m telling you I’m going to bring you back, _alive_ ,” she said, conviction filling her.

“Rey, don’t do this, don’t go this way. This is a path to the dark side,” he begged, trying to convince her, holding her tight to his body, as if his embrace could stop her from leaving, continuing with this folly. She just shook her head.

“Where are you now?” he asked, giving up after she refused to respond.

“I stowed away on a small freighter, the captain agreed not to kick me off, so I’m going with him until I reach a safe spot. He doesn’t know who I am. For his sake, and mine, I hope he doesn’t find out,” she said, she sounded so tired, so sad.

“How can I help, Rey? What can I do? Tell me, please,” he said, the pad of his thumb stroking the remnants of her tear tracks.

“Just hold me, hold me like we have forever and none of this pain exists,” she said, her hands fisting the fabric of his shirt, cuddling closer to his chest, her hands and his shirt tucked under her cheek.

He wrapped his arms around her, fully, his legs interlocking with hers. Her top leg wrapped around his hip, the closest they had ever been.

He fought hard, fought the frustration that he felt at his own helplessness, his _uselessness_ in this situation. He also fought against his baser instincts, focusing only on her and her needs, despite the hunger that burned within him, the sadness in her eyes tampering it down so that he could be what she needed of him.

“Shhhh, it’ll be alright. You are not alone,” he soothed, planting tiny kisses along her forehead, down the bridge of her nose, the corners of her mouth, until he felt her relax.

“Sleep, Rey, I’ll keep the nightmares at bay,” he promised and she fell deep into the comfort of his embrace, succumbing to her exhaustion.


	14. Rakata Prime: Leaching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Izar have to traverse the Unknown Regions to get to Rakata Prime, to get what Izar needs, he promises to help her once there, but danger befalls them and Rey is forced to use her powers in order for them to make it out alive. In her haste she is drawn to an ancient object, what will it do and how will it help bring Ben back?

Rakata Prime: Leaching

Rey woke up after what felt like a considerable amount of time, her hair was a mess of curls, some flat from how she had slept, and the kink in her neck told her that she had been in this position for too long.

The bed and all the covers were still intact, so she knew Ben had not kept anything with him this time. One small section of her hair curled around her face in a small braid, and a soft smile came to her face, thinking of Ben’s large hands so deftly plaiting her a reminder of their time together, something to make it feel more real.

She got up, making the bed and donning the smock, tying back her hair, braid included, ready within a matter of minutes to face the day. Feeling more prepared, now that she had the opportunity to rest and talk to Ben. It helped put things into perspective. The was a momentous task at hand, one that would require focus and dedication, one that would be worth it.

Her lightsaber secured to the outside of her thigh, Rey stepped out into the corridor, heading toward the cockpit.

Izar was already in the captain’s seat, humming a song under his breath, BB3 working on some of the maintenance from inside the cockpit.

They were no longer in hyperspace, but there were no planets around, in the distance Rey could see what seemed like an asteroid belt, but it was far enough to not pose a threat, yet.

“Well, you look a sight better!” Izar said, turning around at the sound of her approach to appraise her, nodding before returning to piloting.

“Thank you for your hospitality, I realize that you didn’t plan for a stowaway and I promise to get out of your hair as soon as possible. But nevertheless, I am grateful, and indebted to you,” Rey said, sitting down behind the pilot and copilot seats.

“Do you know anything about ships or flying?” he asked, not bothering to turn around, his eyes trained ahead, on the field of debris that loomed closer with each league travelled.

“Yes, some. I can handle myself if need be,” she said, not wanting to overstate her abilities or give him a reason to distrust her.

“Get in the copilot seat, I’m going to need whatever help I can get navigating this field, the maps and briefs don’t come close to the real thing. Travel in the Unknown Regions is not for the faint of heart,” he said.

Rey agreed, she knew just how difficult it had been getting to and from Ahch-To, let alone Exegol, and both had been with detailed maps and navigation. The Unknown Regions were awash with solar storms, black holes and gravity wells.

“What brings you to the Unknown Regions anyway?” Rey asked as she buckled up, curiosity winning out.

“What brings _you_ to my ship?” he retorted, a barking laugh at her gaping, trying to come up with a response but failing.

“You keep your secrets and I will keep mine, when you’re in the mood to share I might just feel more cordial myself. Until then, we work hard to get to where I’m going and we survive the trip, deal?” he asked, focusing back at the task at hand, setting up preliminary shields.

“Deal,” Rey said, strapping on a helmet, preparing to deal with the incoming barrage.

Izar’s hands gripped the controls, flexing against the metal, the movement caught her eye and she saw the small white scars crisscrossing his knuckles. Leftovers from scraps and full-blown fights. He had a few other scars on the areas that she could see, most notably across the bridge of his nose, and she knew he must have broken it at least once.

She saw the astonishment flash across his face, and she turned to look out of the window just as he uttered his amazement.

“By gods…”

The field of asteroids turned out to be something completely different. A wall, stretching as far as they could see, impassable, an armada of monsters.

Writhing bodies, sharp and menacing, traveling through the same dark chasm of space. They were colossal, easily as big as the Dreadnoughts. They seemed to be locked into a certain course, following some unseen current. Competing for the journey. Anytime one would disturb another’s movement it sent them careening into each other, sharp shrieks like the sound of metal scraping, ships colliding. They fought in the air, teeth slicing and tearing, a death match. The loser being tossed out of the fray, spinning out of control.

“How are we going to make it through that?” Rey asked.

Inanimate rocks were a sight easier than gigantic monsters that could rip them in half or send them hurtling with a single blow.

“We’re not, I’ve never seen anything like this in my life. And I’ve seen a _lot_ ,” he said, the breath seemingly knocked from his chest.

She had to admit, it was intimidating.

“Is there any other way to get there?” she asked, grasping at the smallest chance of hope.

“No, the maps are so sparse, the directions of the only passable way were very clear. This is it,” he said.

She could see that he was struggling, torn by the prospect of not making it there.

“Whatever is on that planet is that important to you, so much so that we have to find a way through this?” she asked, trying to gauge whether it was worth trying to make it through.

They were at a dead stop, suspended in the air, waiting on a miracle apparently.

“I have no choice,” he said, his voice devoid of hope. She knew what he was feeling, she had been there herself, was still there…

“Okay, then we have to work together. I know this is your ship, and I know you don’t know me at all, but if we’re going to make it through this alive then I’m going to need you to trust me,” Rey said.

Izar gave a reluctant nod, the ship slowly creeping toward the creatures. The grey mass of their bodies, the color of rotting corpses, looming so close it was getting harder to make out where one ended and another began.

“I hope your ship is good at quick maneuvering, it’s our only shot, I’ll assist where I can. Whatever we do, we need to avoid hitting any of them, no blasts, no crashes, this is a potential minefield,” She said, grabbing onto her own controls, turning off some of the lights, everything except the ones they needed to fly.

He nodded, both of them silent as they entered into a deadly dance with the creatures around them. They had to account for quick movements, fights breaking out, any unforeseen action could give away their position and mean the end, for both of them.

Rey focused her Force energy, trying to use her feelings to sense what may happen next, she was still very new to trying to see the future, having only had a few intrusive visions, none clear. But, she hoped that being in tune with the Force would help her tune in to the beings surrounding them, give some insight or warning.

Whether the Force helped them or not was debatable, but there were multiple times where Rey had to take over the main controls and spin them out of harm’s way.

Sweat dripped down the back of her neck, creeping down her spine, her hands aching from the grip she had on the controls, but they didn’t relent. Slowly pushing forward, painstaking minute after minute, breathing shallow.

They were so close to breaking out, the emptiness of space peeked through at them between the creatures, thinning out slightly now that they got closer to the front.

Rey let the excitement of seeing the end of it distract her, for just a moment, and one of the creatures swerved directly into their path, no time to try and jolt the ship out of the way.

Rey reacted on instinct, shoving her hand out, sending a powerful Force blast, the creature being pushed out of the way and into another. In the moment she managed to move it from their path she saw the black opening directly ahead of them and punched them into a short hyperspace jump before anything could impede their path.

Once the stars streaked by them, the sea of creatures behind them, Izar sat back in his seat, closing his eyes, deep breaths desperately sucked into his lungs.

Rey loosened her grip on the controls, finally able to breathe herself.

“I have no idea where I just punched us to, you may want to course correct before we get too far from where you wanted to be,” she said, looking over at him.

He let out a relieved scoff, the laugh holding no humor.

“Some knowledge about flying and ships, you said… what an understatement,” he said, smacking the side of her shoulder in congratulations and reprimand. Rey tried to keep the smile from her face, not wanting to take too much pride in what they had just done, knowing that her Force usage may have just given her away.

He didn’t seem concerned, maybe he hadn’t noticed it, maybe he just thought she was being weird.

He checked their location against their navigation and his maps, pleased.

“You jumped us to within a few Parsecs of Rakata Prime! I’ll have us there in minutes,” he said, punching in new coordinates, the ship turning, speeding toward the blue and green mass ahead.

There was no ground control for them to ask permission from, he wasn’t landing in some big space port, though what Rey could see of the planet looked beautiful, not at all what she had expected from a world in the Unknown Regions.

It looked verdant, like Ajan Kloss or D’Qar, the soft turquoise waters caressing sandy beaches with their white foam. They flew away from the coast, deeper over the jungles, toward a large volcano.

“Don’t worry, it’s inactive, has been for thousands of years,” he said, sensing her unease at their approach.

He shifted the ship for their descent, landing blind as they lowered themselves down carefully through the small opening along the top, down one of the vents from a previous eruption.

No one came to greet them, something Rey found very suspicious, but Izar seemed happy with how things had gone.

“Okay, you stay here with BB3, I will be right back. I just have to pick up what I came for, and then I’ll take you to one of the port cities so you can be on your way,” Izar said, the door hissing open and he headed out, excited.

Rey had a bad feeling about this, everything in her was telling her to leave the ship, staying was not the right move.

“BB3, are you staying here or are you coming with me?” she asked the droid.

She was met with angry beeping, the droid telling her that Izar had instructed them to stay.

“I understand, but something is wrong, I don’t trust this place. You can come with me or you can stay here,” she reasoned.

The droid beeped back that it was staying.

“Fine, I’ll be back as soon as I’m sure that it’s safe,” Rey said.

She exited the ship, multiple corridors stretching out around them, twisting up and down, natural tunnels made by the lava from years ago.

She reached out with the Force, seeking out Izar with her feelings, following the imprint that he had left. There wasn’t long to walk until she found him in a large room, filled with objects and people, an auction taking place.

Izar was speaking to an alien of a race she didn’t recognize, his red skin blistered, his eyes wide apart and black, almost humanoid in physical form, but his exposed limbs looked like an exoskeleton, hardening into claw-like hands.

She saw them exchange something, it was too far to make out exactly what, but the alien nodded, gesturing toward an exit in the back. Rey followed behind them, weaving her way through the natural pillars and the few stragglers that were making their way into the room to join in on the bidding.

The black basalt seemed to hold onto some internal kind of heat, the deeper Rey followed the warmer it became, she once again cursed the fact that she was wearing two long sleeved items on the top of her body, but she couldn’t risk losing either.

They entered into a dark room, artifacts covered with sheets and other types of fabric, some peeking through. Rey saw weapons, antique and more recent, relics of the Imperial era alongside ancient Mandalorian gear.

What was this place?

Izar and his red companion were bent over a green carved statue, a woman’s form.

“The Dancing Goddess,” Izar breathed, wonder in his voice.

“Yours now, my friend. Thanks to you and your information. Knowing the time and location of the Resistance raid will ensure that we are able to shield ourselves and our operation here from prying eyes,” the red man said, his voice a strange garble, heavily accented Galactic Basic making him difficult to understand.

“Don’t forget the large sum of money that I paid as well, Gnaklo” Izar said.

“Hmm, yes. Your money served to purchase the item, but the information kept it from being open to the bidding floor,” Gnaklo said.

Izar reached into his pack, pulling out some fabric to wrap up the statue before stashing it back inside of the bag.

“As always, it’s a pleasure doing business with you,” Izar said.

“One moment,” Gnaklo said, his claw wrapping around Izar’s arm, “you came alone, no one else knows why you are here?” he asked.

“No one knows why I am here, or what I told you. Your operation is safe, I assure you,” Izar said.

“Do not lie to me, old friend. We checked for heat signatures; we know you did not come alone. You have someone else aboard that ship. We’ve taken the liberty of having them disposed of already. As much as it pains me, I will have to do the same of you,” Gnaklo said.

Rey felt the shock of it rush through her body, grateful she had trusted her instincts, scared that she would be captured and killed regardless.

“There is no one besides my droid, I swear it,” Izar said, Rey could see his hands balled into fists, the bag slung over his shoulder, “Check with your men,” he reiterated.

Gnaklo spoke into a comms unit that he pulled from his robes, an alien dialect unknown to Rey. His voice sounded gruff, and he seemed displeased at what he was hearing.

“The search of your craft showed just a BB unit on board, no organic materials or people,” Gnaklo admitted.

Izar tried hard to hide his relief.

“But you are lying to me, I can sense it. Our deal is void,” Gnaklo said, roughly pulling on Izar’s arm, a stinger extending out of his other claw, before he sunk it deep into Izar’s neck.

Izar groaned, dropping to the ground, inert.

Gnaklo stepped over him, wiping the blood from his stinger before heading back to the entrance, where Rey stood.

In her panic the only thing that came to mind was to drop him with the Force, she pushed her power out, waving her hand in his general direction, having never done this before she only knew how it felt when it happened to her. She focused on that same feeling and was relieved when it finally worked, before he could see her.

She rushed over to Izar, who was writhing on the ground, choking and sputtering, red foam slipping from his gasping mouth.

Rey tried to use some of her Force healing on him, but found it strangely difficult, it refused to abate, his skin fiery to the touch. Eventually she pushed enough into him that he stopped shaking and was able to breathe, albeit very small and shallow. She was going to have to carry him at this rate, and that would draw too much attention.

“Come on!” she whispered, annoyed.

In her anger she sensed something else, a relic calling to her from within the room, pulsing with energy and promise.

Satisfied that Izar would not die from his wound, she got up, compelled toward whatever was reaching out to her. The box was encased in an obsidian cage, the top missing from the cage.

Rey heard it calling to her, felt the power within the box and she reached for it, before she could even think about it. As soon as she touched it, she felt something course through her veins, spiny and intrusive, the burst of power from contact with the box was intoxicating.

She carried it over to Izar, putting it in his pack, along with his statue, slinging it over her shoulder. He was coming to, blinking slowly, struggling to keep his eyes open.

“I’m going to lift you up, we need to get out of here before he wakes up. Try to act normal,” she whispered to Izar. He seemed alarmed to see her there but accepted her help.

She hoisted him up, supporting his weight by bracing herself under his arm, a crutch for his much larger and heavier body. They stumbled forward but by the time they made it to the tunnel they had the rhythm down, able to move much quicker and much less conspicuously. Rey followed her feelings again, urging them toward where she could feel the ship.

They bypassed the main room, the winding tunnels unoccupied while the much larger auction took place.

The ship stood, door open, Rey worried that someone might still be on board, but she was prepared to fight whoever she had to, to get them out of there. Luckily whoever had conducted the search seemed to have left. The ship was in slight disarray, the contents of some of the cupboards spilled out onto the walkways. Rey took Izar down to his room, laying him atop his bed before retrieving her box and rushing over to the cockpit.

She flipped the engine on, rising up and out of the volcano before the landing gear even had time to tuck itself back in. The Starfire rose, shooting across the sky as she pushed it as hard as she could without jumping to hyperspace from within the atmosphere.

Once she cleared the planet, she did a few rapid jumps, not heading in any specific direction, just trying to put as much distance and confusion between her and the people on Rakata Prime as possible. As soon as she felt safe, she set the ship to coast, and pulled the box onto her lap.

It pulsed with energy, inscribed with ancient symbols that she had no means of reading, let alone translating. She hadn’t felt this kind of Force energy from an object since she had found Luke’s lightsaber on Takodana.

Temptation curled around her, ribbons tying themselves to her, urging her to open the box, the energy from the container already seeming to strengthen her. The power of what it held an untold source.

As hard as she tried, she wasn’t able to pry the lid from the box, eventually she used the Force, trying to drive it open with her power. It resisted and she was amazed at how much the box was able to withstand. In her frustration she shoved harder, a thread of darkness coloring the action, her anger fueling the attack. A small crack bloomed on the surface of the lid, light struggling through, shooting into her.

Drunk on the minute ray of power leaching through the box, Rey felt her body healing from the onslaught of the past few days, felt the curl in her core, the power within her delicious and full.

“What are you doing, Rey?” came Ben’s voice.

Shocked Rey turned, dropping the box, no damage befalling it.

Ben stood there, in the hallway behind the cockpit.

“How are you here?” she asked, confused.

“What do you mean? We’ve communicated like this before,” he said.

“Yes, when I’ve been asleep. But I’m not asleep now,” Rey said.

“What did you do?” He asked, his eyes falling on the box, able for the first time to see some of her surroundings.


	15. Unknown Regions: Uncover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Izar manage to escape, Izar is badly wounded and recovering. Rey tries to open the box and manages to strengthen her connection with Ben through the bond long enough to see him while she is awake. He questions her intentions, concerned about the turn she seems to be taking, but neither of them can resist, no matter the cost.

Unknown Regions: Uncover

Rey could not believe what was happening. Ben was here, at least she was communicating with him through their bond, awake. It felt like it had been before she lost him, when they were on opposite sides, fighting for what they thought was right, fighting each other.

“I didn’t do anything,” she said, not knowing how to explain the way the box had called to her, a siren song in the massive collection. Feeling the effect of what it had done, her body restored and painless for the first time in what felt like weeks, seeing Ben. She was reluctant to let it go, to reveal that it was responsible.

“ _Don’t_ lie to me,” he said, angry for the first time since they had begun communicating this way after his death.

“I… I’m sorry. I just didn’t know what to say,” Rey admitted.

“Where are you right now? It looks like you’re on some ship in the middle of nowhere,” Ben said.

“That’s because I _am_ on some ship in the middle of nowhere,” she retorted.

The BB unit completed its tidying up of what had been plundered, spinning down the corridor, beeping urgently at Rey.

“No BB, I’m not talking to myself. Just go check on Izar, he was injured and may need your help. I can keep the ship going while you tend to him,” Rey said and the little unit raced down the corridor to its friend.

“What happened? Every time we manage to talk it’s like you’re in a new bind. I’m assuming he is the captain of this ship, the one you stowed away on?” he asked, encouraged when Rey nodded.

“What happened to him, and to you, you look completely healed. Has it been that long?” His hand came up to her hair, touching the braid he had left, confusion on his face.

“Ben, it hasn’t even been a full day, the last time we spoke was the last time I was asleep. Izar was betrayed, and poisoned, I think. I had a hard time healing him, given my own rough state, but I’m sure that I will be able to help him more now,” she said, making a point of trying to hide the box behind her body, standing in his line of sight.

“What happened? I will not ask again,” Ben said, his voice rough and serious.

“Izar needed to go to Rakata Prime, evidently it was to purchase an artifact from a collection that was being kept in a volcano there. There was an auction going on, it was a whole big thing. It seems no one was supposed to know he was here, they picked up on my heat signature when we arrived and they assumed he had betrayed them,” Rey took a deep breath, readying herself for revealing what happened next.

“The man he was with stabbed him with some kind of stinger from his claw, and Izar fell, he was convulsing, foaming at the mouth, it was really bad. I was about to be discovered by the same man that had just poisoned him, so in my panic I Force dropped him. I tried to heal Izar, with very minimal success. At which point I felt this pull. It was the same thing I felt on Takodana, when I found Luke’s saber and you came for me. I didn’t have any Force visions this time, though,” Rey said.

Ben looked ashamed at the mention of Takodana, obviously thinking back to when he had Force dropped her himself and taken her against her will. But it had been the start of their bond and it helped Rey awaken the power within her. She had learnt a lot from him and from their encounters together. By copying what he was doing to her, she was able to overpower him and get away from the cell.

“It was inside an obsidian casing, and I didn’t even think about it. I just took it. The pull was too intense to resist. I got us back to the ship and off planet, and then I tried to open it. It wouldn’t budge, eventually I ended up using the Force to urge it open, all that happened was a tiny crack on the lid. Just the little bit that seeped out was enough to restore me, and to strengthen me to the extent that I was able to establish our bond while I was awake!” Rey exclaimed, excited at the prospect of what the box could do, what it could mean for both of them.

“Let me see it,” Ben said, simply, careful not to give anything away.

Rey reached behind her, lifting the box carefully, the tiered appearance, the carvings in the stone below the lid, the scratches curving through the stone and damage over the years. It was an ancient relic, a conduit of power, it’s secrets sealed within.

Ben tried to keep his face from showing any alarm, but he must have failed because Rey clutched the box possessively, fingertips curling around the stone, the carvings biting into her hands.

“Rey, you should get rid of that. Toss it out into space, give it back to whoever you took it from. Just, get away from it,” Ben said, his voice grave, eyes begging.

“No,” she said, surprising even herself. She didn’t hesitate, didn’t bother to ask why. This was going to help her, it would be a key to bring him back. She was sure of it.

“Rey, that relic is tainted, dripping with shadows, seeped in the Dark Side of the Force. I _know_ you can feel it. I don’t have my powers and even I can feel that. Even if I didn’t know what it was that should be enough of a warning, that feeling alone should be reason to leave it behind,” he said, trying to plead with her, scared of the turn she seemed to be taking.

He didn’t want this for her, he had worked so hard to protect her at the end. She deserved so much better. She deserved the chance at a good life.

“It’s not worth it, Rey. _I’m_ not worth it. Please just let it go, we’ll find another way,” he said, his hand cupping her face, the warmth of her skin agonizing. So close, so real, so out of reach.

“Tell me,” she demanded, “tell me what you know,” her face was hard, not giving in to his plea.

“It’s a Rakatan Wraith Box. The Rakatans were a race with innate Dark Side abilities. Not much is known about the boxes, few survive. Most are kept by collectors, away from prying eyes and hands. The boxes have the ability to disintegrate people, drive others mad. They’re imbued with the spirits of ancient Dark Side users, hence why they are called Wraith boxes. None have ever been opened, at least not in recorded history. Although it is said that if anyone ever managed that they would be possessed by the souls kept within,” Ben said, his voice sad and cautious, watching Rey to gauge her response.

“I… I don’t know what to say, Ben. I don’t know what’s been going on with me. Why did it call to me?” she asked, looking down at the box in her hands, frightened.

“Rey, you need to let me go, I need to find a way to cross over, until then you will be stuck with my life force inside of you. It’s pushing you to the brink, I can’t stand to see that happen!” Ben exclaimed, fear and pain causing him to raise his voice, this was too much for him. Seeing her like this, watching her struggle, it tore at him, relentless.

“How? How am I supposed to let you go? You said we were a Dyad. _You_ said, not me. It’s tearing me apart because you’re supposed to be alive. How am I supposed to function when my soul mate is _dead?!”_ She spat the words at him, tears brimming over her eyes, the hurt at his abandonment cutting deep.

“Soul mate…” he whispered, his face stricken, the pain of the words a scorching lance through his heart. He knew pain, had been born to it and had succumbed to its darkness before. The pain at losing her, at losing his life was easier to take when he consoled himself with the fact that it had all been to save her. The relentless barrage of regret that he was subjected to every moment in his purgatory was only bearable because he thought he had done the right thing.

Hearing those words falling from her lips… It shot through him, splitting where he had thought he had become immune.

 _Soul Mate_. He felt the loss of it keenly, the grief driving him to his knees.

He hadn’t stopped to consider how she would feel, navigating all of this, alone.

More than that though, he had never considered what he was truly giving up. Death had seemed like a transient thing, noble even. Now, faced with the reality of all he had reliquished it was almost too much to bear.

His mind tormented him with visions, lives they could have led, together.

The sound of her laughter, echoing around him, joy and love in the sound. The feel of her hand, aging in his, strong and sure whenever he was weak. The hot silk of her skin, embracing him, trapping him in its molten glory. The release of power, relinquishing himself to her completely. The manifestation of their love growing within her. The ribbon of light, the Force energy of their children, a love purer than he had ever seen in his whole life.

Gone. All of it. Gone.

“Ben… oh Ben, I’m sorry,” she whispered, setting the box down into the copilot seat, her hands reaching out to cup his cheeks, her thumbs wiping away the warm trail of tears.

He buried his head against her stomach, clutching her as he rode the waves of pain cresting throughout his body.

Her small hands stroked his hair, held on to him reassuringly, her own tears dropping onto the top of his head.

“Please, please understand why I have to do this. Why I’m willing to try these things, why they call out to me. I don’t want any of this. I don’t want to feel like I’m going mad, holding onto the ghost of a love I never had the chance to have! I want the real thing,” she said, planting a kiss on top of his hair.

He looked up at her, helpless, completely understanding what she felt. The pain, the loneliness. The yearning. He couldn’t condone it, couldn’t encourage her fall.

But he couldn’t blame her either. Had he known then, when he was alive, he might have done it too.

“I will love you all the same,” he said, rising.

Her face twisted at his declaration. The first time either of them had put it into words. The tormented expression would haunt him, almost more than his past mistakes, the image burned into his memory. He knew it would stay with him when he inevitably had to leave her again. No matter how many times he tried he couldn’t reach through the visions, he couldn’t change any of it. He couldn’t change this either, the cruel words, too late now.

“Ben…” she shook her head, her heart in her eyes, crystalline tears glinting.

“I should have told you before. I should have done a lot of things. I should have been a different man… a better man,” he said, regret an acrid lump in his throat, impossible to swallow, “but even so, I know would do it all again, just for the possibility of loving you,” he said.

Her hands fisted the shirt he wore, scrunching the material into angry knots, pain and rage distorting her face, hot tears spilling over her cheeks. He could sense that she was holding on so tight so that she wouldn’t lash out.

“Damn you. _Damn you!_ ” She cursed.

He pulled her into his chest, his hand holding the back of her head as she sobbed against him, clinging to him. He held her as the cries dissipated, and he knew that she was left with the hollow aftermath, knew that even as he held her, she could feel the hole inside. Just as he did.

“Dance with me,” he said, rocking them back and forth, humming a melody he hadn’t heard since he was a child, the tune of the treacly ballad somehow still embedded in his memory, despite the years since he had last heard it.

She rested her head against his chest, the moment bittersweet. Ben, this Ben, the man he had become was so much more than she was prepared for. With Kylo Ren she had glimpsed the man behind the mask, but to be confronted with the full scale of him. It was devastating.

“ _And if we reach and fail,_

_Fall with me,_

_And I’ll dance_

_With you, among the stars_ ”

He sang the words, a soft whisper of a melody, his voice deep and husky. His lips brushing her temple as he murmured the lyrics.

She could feel him fading, feel the burst of energy that had hit her dissipating rapidly. He would be gone again, soon.

“I love you, Ben Solo,” she whispered, trying hard to hold on to him, as if her will alone could keep him here.

He stopped rocking, rooted to the spot by her words. The soft fury behind them. She meant it. He could feel that she meant it. And he knew that she understood just how much they mattered, to both of them.

“I will find you, and I will bring you back. I swear it,” she said.

“I’ll be waiting,” he responded, planting a last lingering kiss on her forehead before he faded back to his world.


	16. Unknown Regions: Uncertainty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Izar make a brief stop in Batuu, trying to outpace their new enemies from Rakata Prime. Rey is confronted with the past and realizes the only way forward is to face it, once and for all. The quest is coming to a head, and she will stop at nothing to bring Ben back, including giving in to the call of the Dark Side of the Force.

Unknown Regions: Uncertainty

Rey stood rooted to the spot for at least two minutes after she felt the warmth of him fade. She couldn’t believe what had just happened, was starting to doubt her own sanity. Had they really just stood here, in the cockpit of the Starfire, slow dancing to Ben’s serenade? Had it been real?

BB3 hadn’t seen him, the droid had asked if she was talking to herself. Moments like this she wondered if she _was_ just talking to herself. And yet, she could feel the thread, the ribbon tying her to him, through space and time. She had felt the heat of his embrace on her skin. The braid in her hair… that was all proof that she wasn’t just crazy.

Her eyes fell on the box on the co-pilot seat, far too tempting, far too dangerous.

Knowing the power that it held was an allure that was difficult to resist, but from what Ben had just told her she knew that she was in over her head. She had no experience with the Dark Side of the Force, nothing concrete at least. She had felt its draw, had reached out to it on Ahch-To in desperation, when seeking the truth about her parentage. Beyond that, she was completely lost. 

Her memory of the Jedi texts was hazy at some points, and she wished again for the umpteenth time that she had thought to take them with her before she left Ajan Kloss. Now there was no way that she could go back, they were looking for her and she didn’t know exactly what they would do if they did end up finding her.

She heard BB3 chittering and the sound broke her concentration, her gaze finally leaving the box. Her hands wrapped around it, resisting the pull, she carried it down to the room that she occupied and placed it under the sleeping cot. Careful to shut the door behind her, she headed toward Izar’s room to check on him. 

The droid was fussing around him, inspecting him for a source of damage.

Izar’s complexion was waxy, a slight sheen of perspiration covering his face, but his body shook with tiny shivers. The droid was fussing him to cover up, but Rey could see that whatever strength had helped get him to the ship had faded. His eyes were clouded with pain and he seemed to register that she was there but he said nothing.

“Izar, I do not want to alarm you, but I’m going to cover you with a blanket now,” she said, using the movement as an excuse to hover her hands over his body, sending slivers of her healing Force through him. He seemed to relax more with each inch of his body that was affected, until finally when she got to his neck the shivering had stopped completely and some color was returning to his face.

She was relieved to find that her power was more effective this time around, but she knew that she was unable to heal him completely, she just hoped that she had provided enough assistance for his body to finish the fight.

Pleased with the progress he had made she moved to leave, startled when his hand wrapped around her wrist, staying her progress, his grip strong.

“Who are you?” he asked, his expression confused and also seemingly frightened. 

“I can’t tell you that, for your safety and mine. As long as I’m with you I pose a threat,” Rey said, not sure if she could trust him, even though he had lied to protect her. Though it was mainly himself, but he could have turned her over to them and he didn’t. He was also feeding information about the Resistance to paying customers, so she didn’t quite know what to think. He scoffed at her answer.

“Who exactly are _you_? Underground auctions and information deals, someone sticking you in the neck with a weird claw stinger,” she shuddered at the thought.

“You remind me of someone I knew as a young and impressionable man, she was headstrong too. Just as difficult too,” he said, laughing at the memory.

“What will you do if I just spout it all out now? If I split myself open and spew all my secrets? Will you sell them too?” she asked, part of her wanting to let someone in, let someone know just how much she was carrying with her. The other part of her warned her of self-preservation. The latter seemed less and less important the further she went on this quest.

“I did what I had to do, and now that that’s done, I can finish what I started. Your secrets are your business. I won’t claim to be sine great, pious guy. You saved my life, I trust you. Whether you trust me is up to you,” He said.

“I’m on a dangerous quest to save someone I love, and I’m running from people I thought were my friends. Either of those options can get both of us killed,” Rey admitted, summing it up as briefly as she could.

Izar whistled with an indrawn breath, his eyebrows raising at the admission before his mouth cocked into a grin.

“This wouldn’t be the first time I was threatened with impending death. It won’t be the last. You’re welcome to tag along to my next stop, or if you want to go somewhere nearby, I could drop you off,” he said.

“Where are you headed? I’m fairly certain I know where I have to go, and it’s safe to say it’s probably not on your itinerary,” Rey said.

“Next stop was Batuu, to trade the piece I just procured… if it survived the escape?” he phrased it as a question, pleased when Rey nodded, “alright, then yes. Batuu is the next stop. Where were you planning on going?” He asked.

“It looks like I’ll have to go deeper into the Unknown Regions,” Rey said.

“Hmm, yeah, not sure I’m ready for more of that yet, getting to and from Rakata Prime was stressful enough. But I tell you what, in order to repay you for saving me, I will share some of the cut with you? Maybe we could get you a small craft that you could fix up?” He offered the olive branch, extended the hand of friendship.

As reluctant as Rey was to rely on someone else, she knew she didn’t have much of a choice.

“Very well, I’ll need a ship to get to where I’m going, as long as we don’t get captured by the people from Rakata Prime we should be good to go,” She responded.

He nodded.

“BB3 has the coordinates ready if you’d like to jump us there. We need as much of a head start as possible. I’ve just made some powerful enemies, and if anyone saw you, you have as well,” He said.

“Uhm, I’m not sure they saw me, but I’m sure they will have reason to hunt me once they find out I had a hand in what happened down there,” she said, careful not to tell him that she had stolen a relic, and also careful not to lie and blame it all on him.

He shook his head, still smiling, but tired. His eyes shadowed, his mouth lined with stress.

“I’m going to rest a little bit more, why don’t you get us going?” he asked, gesturing to the cockpit.

She followed BB3 and they got to work punching in the coordinates, jumping into hyperspace, the small planet coming into view some time later.

It looked desolate, somewhat abandoned, as if it had once held an important duty, but now only the dregs were left. They landed a small distance from the town, again no one checking in for the landing, which led Rey to assume this was a place that operated slightly outside of the law.

Its position between the Unknown Regions and Wild Space wasn’t very promising either, but she would keep her mouth shut and get off of there as soon as she could. She went back into the ship to wake Izar, only to find he had showered and was sitting on the edge of the bed, tugging on his boots, ready to head out.

“You stay here with the ship. _For real_ , this time. I can’t afford a second life debt, if I die, I die… Okay? You keep BB3 and the ship as payment. If I do survive, I’ll bring your payment back with me,” he said.

“Fine, but try not to linger too long,” Rey said, concerned about the prospect of their new enemies being on their trail.

“Geez, I offer you my ship and I get my ex-wife in return,” he said, joking.

Rey laughed, shaking her head at how ridiculous he was. Izar seemed like the kind of man that didn’t linger anywhere too long, regardless. He had that edge of danger, restlessness about him. She knew what it felt like.

He grabbed the pack, heading out of the ship without a goodbye.

Rey used the opportunity to take a shower herself, the excitement from Rakata Prime had her able to smell herself, and it wasn’t pleasant. She took the time to breathe deep, the closest she had come to meditating since she had been training on Ajan Kloss. The sharper her focus, the easier it was for her to feel Ben through the bond.

She could feel that he was distressed, something was upsetting him, and she wondered about where he was, what it was like for him. They never did seem to get around to talking about it. Still, she wished she could help him, pull him back from whatever was upsetting him so much.

She was so caught up in trying to feel Ben that she didn’t hear Izar’s return.

“Hey, I got you some gear, it’s outside the door here for you. Come see outside what I got you whenever you’re done!” he exclaimed, scaring Rey.

“Gods, I had no idea you were back. I’ll be out in a minute!” she called back through the door.

She peeked through a crack in the door, satisfied that he had left, she pulled the door open, wrapped in a towel. On the ground he had placed what looked like folded clothes.

Unwrapping them she was pleased to find a pair of pants and a short-sleeved shirt. Nothing fancy by any means, but much cooler in the hot temperatures she’d had to endure recently. She was also ecstatic at the prospect of the pants, this smock was really horrible, not easy to move in and not conducive to activity.

Tying her hair back out of her face, clothed in the gear he had left out for her, she strapped the saber to her waist. Trusting him enough to reveal it, safe with the knowledge that if he tried anything, she could drop him in a moment. She took the time to gather up Ben’s shirt and the box, wrapping it in the smock. She headed outside, eager to see what he considered his life worth.

The ship was old, but had clearly had modifications in the last few years. It was faded orange and what Rey assumed used to be white. The ship seemed better suited to racing than long distance travel, and looked like it had seen some action, the damage and patching obvious.

“She’s called the Fireball. Someone traded her here recently. I know she looks rough and that’s she’s been in some skirmishes, but the seller assures me that she’s capable of hyperspace travel. It’s not much, but it should get you to wherever you’re going. I had BB3 take a look at it and it should do you well for a little while at least” he said.

His eyes traveled over her altered outfit, pausing at the saber on her hip, eyebrows raising in surprise.

“Someone from the Resistance,” she said, moving over, placing her bundle inside the small cargo hold beneath the ship. She stood back up, gesturing to the small symbol on the side of the ship.

Izar just shrugged.

“What does it matter who it was. We’re free now. I don’t have to pick sides. In fact, the item I procured and resold today was for a former Resistance fighter. Apparently, he had owned it before, won it in a gamble and felt sentimental about it. I didn’t care, I just needed it to clear a debt, and get some more information,” he said.

“And is this information sensitive? Trading secrets again?” She asked.

He scoffed, waving his hand at her dismissively.

“One secret. You saw me sell one secret… one I was paid to plant, by the way, not factual, and all of a sudden I’m a spy,” he said, mock wounded at her implication. “The only person this secret is sensitive to is me, I’m on my own quest. This information provided me with the last thing I needed to complete it,” he said.

“Care to share?” she asked.

“No, actually. It’s personal. Where’d you get that saber?” he asked in return.

“It’s personal,” she said, folding her arms against her chest.

He rolled his eyes at her, amused with the apparent banter they had going on.

“I don’t have time for this. I’m going to be late,” he said.

“It’s mine, I made it,” she shrugged, sharing with him, now that they were about to part it felt right to have at least some truth between them. He seemed impressed by her admission.

“Late for what?” she asked, intrigued.

“Death, destiny… the love of my life. All of the above?” he said.

“That ex-wife you had mentioned?” she asked, astonished that someone with such a devil-may-care attitude had gone through so much trouble and danger for a woman.

“One and the same,” he confirmed, grim. So much trouble for a woman that wasn’t even his anymore.

“She must be a hell of a woman,” she said.

“And he must be one hell of a man. I see the fire in you. I know you have the gumption to make it happen, no matter how dangerous. Good luck to you…” he said.

“Rey,” she answered.

“Goodluck and godspeed, Rey,” he said, saluting her and flashing a last grin before he embarked his own ship, heading off to chase love.

Rey stepped climbed up into the ship. Dropping down the shield once she was inside, securing the helmet on to her head. The ship started up, Rey was pleased to find that it ran pretty well, despite the damage it had sustained.

A strange feeling, partly curiosity, partly dread filled the pit of her stomach and she pulled up the ship’s logs. The log confirming what she had assumed the second she had seen the Resistance symbol. This ship had been part of the fleet at the battle on Exegol.

Somehow this just solidified that this was what she had to do. She had been trying to avoid this, running from this outcome. But the truth of the matter was that it had been the last place she had seen him alive, and something there had kept him alive, in another plane. This was her last resort, and she was desperate for it to work. She was out of ideas, his absence a void that grew with each passing day.

The Force visions kept her going, stringing her along to the next day, but they were not enough. They would never be enough.

She pulled up the complicated coordinates, getting ready to do the series of hyperspace jumps required to reach the planet safely. A deep breath filled her lungs as she left the atmosphere. Slow release with the forward thrust into hyperspace, and the planet that had stolen everything from her.

This was it.


	17. Exegol: Temptation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey goes back to Exegol, desperate to find a way to bring Ben back. Tempted and pushed to the breaking point, will she find a way into the World Between Worlds, or will she succumb to her own darkness?

Exegol: Temptation

The scars of battle ran deep on Exegol. Remnants of ships lay shattered on the mantle of the planet, sticking up out of the ground like angry fists raised into the sky. Lightning still raged over the surface, dust kicking off electrical storms, the friction palpable in the air. The sight of it took her breath away, leaving her with a panic she couldn’t force any air through.

She couldn’t believe that she was back here, again. The fear that besieged her clouded her mind, making it difficult to think rationally. All she wanted to do was turn the ship back around and disappear forever. But, she knew she had to do this.

And if, by the gods, _if_ she failed at this… she would know that she had done all she could for him, for them. Setting foot here proved that she was willing to do whatever was necessary, even at tremendous cost to herself and her sanity. 

She parked the ship in the same general area that she had stopped last time, the hiss of the pressure being relieved from within the cabin startling her, already on edge. Carefully she climbed out of the ship, retrieving Ben’s shirt and the covered box from the hold, donning the shirt over her own vest. His presence felt choking in the air, the planet tinged with the death that surrounded it, his included. His Tie Fighter still sat, miraculously undamaged. Another reminder of the loss she had endured.

She thought about the last time she had to pass that same ship, after everything had concluded. The shock she had been in, the dire race to get off planet, she hadn’t had the time to fully absorb what leaving his ship behind meant. Now, it was different. She could feel it around her, shrouding her like a blanket of grief.

Even if this place had not already been a vergence point, the extreme death toll and Dark Side power buried here would have been enough to make it so.

She scuttled down, into the heart of the facility, back to where it had all come crashing down around her. Most of the building had partially collapsed, heavy stone impeding her movements. The technology that had been developed here lay broken and rotting. 

Silent, save for the cracks of frequent thunder, she wandered through the tomb of the last vestige of Sith strength. It had been impressive, scary and intimidating when she had first arrived. Now it just reminded her of the old Jedi temple on Dantooine, bare hints at the power that once resided here, eroding away, left to the passage of time.

The place held a permanent chill, and she was glad she had thought to put on Ben’s shirt before she entered. It was restless, and cold. The dead gone, but not departed. 

She reached out with the Force, trying to find an area that may have been particularly strong with the Force, but it was a challenge. The planet was awash with old Force energy, the stain of those that had perished. So, she started where he had disappeared, trying to reach out through the bond, to sense if it seemed to strengthen in any way. 

The pain slammed into he, when she entered the amphitheatre, the remnants of the Sith throne scattered where they had blasted throughout the back of the room. The fabric of his pants, still laying there, only slightly disturbed by the wind. She reached out to touch it unbidden, the fingers on her free hand caressing the material, and she felt the first tinge of something. 

At the edge of her consciousness she felt it call to her, and the box in her other arm seemed to respond in kind, calling out to the energy left behind by Ben’s spirit.

It was urging her downward, into the bowels of the planet, the deep trenches below.

She struggled to maneuver herself, the steep crags and cliffs not leaving much of an option, handicapped as she was holding on to the box. She slowly wound herself down, following the narrow path into the trench, concentrating hard on not falling, the bottom of the pit not visible. It was obscured by darkness and black dust below, she could only guess at how far she would fall. She would not survive it, that much was certain. So she pushed onward, inch by painstaking inch.

The box in her arm seemed to almost vibrate the further down she got. She followed its response, and her own intuition, letting the Force guide her.

Darkness swirled around her, a dangerous current that pulled within her, trying to turn her. She had never felt such a strong pull before, and she felt compelled to scale back her power. It was an urge she ignored, despite her own self-preservation warning her otherwise. She would just have to fight harder, at least until she found the way to him.

The bottom of the trench was filled with rocky outcroppings and other earthly debris. She struggled over the rough surface, trying not to trip over her own feet, the ground almost pulsing with power.

She was close, she could feel it.

Following the thread, the tie she had with Ben, she was able to find a hidden cavern, nestled between two fallen boulders. Their positioning a triangular archway, the room dark within. She pulled out her saber with her free hand, igniting the yellow blade, desperate for some visibility.

What she saw astonished her.

Obsidian, seemingly covering almost the whole room, save for a section of polished rock. Arching up, almost mirror-like in appearance, but murky and clouded with energy. 

This was it, she was sure of it. 

She heard the whisper of power, the tempestuous roil of the Dark Side of the Force, swirling around her. The box, still wrapped in the smock, felt hot and alive in her grasp. She had to fight the urge to drop it. Slowly, she traversed forward, the smoke in the obsidian mirror churning, the tumult beneath the surface increasing with every step she took forward. 

Finally she reached it, and she set the box down onto the ground. Hand shaking, she reached out to touch the surface, surprised by the heat it held, almost enough for her to want to yank her hand back to protect it.

She could not see her reflection, confusing for sure, since the light from her saber seemed to glint off of every other surface in the room. He was there, she could sense it, the bond the strongest it had been since he died. 

“Ben?” she asked, her voice ricocheting, the reverberation of it only undercut by the sounds of the storm above.

That same storm seemed to roar within her, panic and purpose warring within. She knew what needed to be done, she just hoped she had the strength to do it.

She shoved all her power against the mirror, the Force flowing through her fingertips, the surface below barely registering movement. Her fear and yearning pouring out of her, emotions almost as strong as the Force that she sent forth.

The last time she had tried something like this the whole place had come crashing down around her. The way this was going, she didn’t know if she would even be able to make it budge.

Frustration welled within her, the helplessness that she was feeling manifesting itself with desperate anger. Even so, even with the darkness within her tinging her power the way it had last time, nothing happened.

She pulled her hand back in disgust, staring at it, disbelieving. How was she going to be able to do this? This was pointless. The Jedi texts mentioned the Vergence Scatter. The strongest of Force points, all somehow connected. They had theorized about being able to enter them, but no one had an answer on how. No one in the texts had succeeded.

And she seemed poised to fail as well.

“Ahhhh,” she shouted, slashing her saber out in a sweeping arc, the blade blocked by the murky surface.

She slashed again, a back hand, trying to hack at it. Every stroke useless. Yet she persisted, blow after blow. Almost blinding in intensity and speed. The whirring drone of the saber cutting through the air filled the room.

Blood pumped viciously through her body, her ears throbbing with the pressure and sound of her own heart. Her breath sawed in and out of her heaving chest, sweat dripping down her forehead. She paused.

Bracing her hand against the surface, she stopped for a moment and looked up. Not a single scorch nor scratch. Her body was on fire, both from the exertion of trying to cut her way through, and the seething below the surface.

Slowly she sank to her knees, fingertips brushing along the blazing stone all the way down.

She fought against the tears that started to blur her vision.

“No. _No_ , I am not doing this. I am not going to cry. I have to do this,” she told herself, fighting against the rising emotions. “I can’t get him back if I’m just a mess curled up on the ground. No matter how much I want to do that right now. There has to be another option, there _has_ to be a way,” she said, begging for some kind of solution.

Something broke through the rush of blood in her ears, a soft murmur, curling up to her from the box on the ground.

She had brought it as a last resort, intending to leave it on Exegol regardless, not wanting the power to fall into the wrong hands.

And now… those hands seemed to be her own. 

Moving on their own volition, placing her saber on the ground beside her, reaching out and uncovering it.

She dragged it closer, the sound grating as stone scraped against dust and debris. A sliver of light peering through the crack that she had laid there. This would work. She could feel the call, the temptation of it, promising the outcome she so ardently desired.

Focusing her energy, she pushed against it, using the Force, pushing it through like a weed from a crack. If she could just make it inside, just slightly, she was sure the increased power would be enough. Even if only fleeting, it would give her the push she needed to force her way inside the wall.

The fracture seemed to bloom outward, the rock giving way with tiny cracks as she inched her way through. Furiously the box shook, in anticipation or fear, Rey wasn’t sure.

All she could feel was the fury of the power held within. The darkness consumed her, urging her to keep going, keep pushing until it was liberated from its prison.

 _Don’t do this_ , seemed to call from inside of her, _Don’t go this way_.

The same plea she had made to Ben in Snoke’s red room.

How the tables had turned. She should not have been so quick to judge him. So eager to force him to her way. They could have found another way together. Instead she was left with no other choice, alone and scared and desperate.

Was this what he had felt his whole life? Was this what he constantly had to fight against in his own mind?

The thoughts overtook her, the anger and pain the only thing she could focus on. The promise of the power within a soothing balm that kept her pushing her way into it. She wanted it so badly, she would get it open, no matter the cost.

That was when she heard it. A voice within the space. A _Wraith_ box indeed.

_Yes, free it, let it in… Let me in._

The voice scared her, the timbre of it sinister and cold. It sounded ancient, the words echoing throughout her mind. Their intent seemed at odds with her own. She didn’t know if this was still the right thing to do.

It was one thing when a small box granted you power, a whole other when it started talking. It must have sensed her doubt, because the power within pulsed outward, rolling in waves over her body. Intoxicating. A delicious writhing within her core at the feeling of all that power.

_Think of all we could do, together. All you have to do is give in to me and I will give you the power to gain all that you desire._

Rey hadn’t even realized how much of her own power she had been pouring into the box until she felt her muscles trembling with the effort. She was flooding the box with everything she had. Cracks flowing outward, slices of light cutting through each fissure. 

The room seemed like it was slowly filling with Force energy. Dark Force energy. So thick and vital that any more of it seemed like it would become an actual living entity.

What was she doing? This was dangerous.

She tried to pull back, tried to stem the flow of power, but found herself frozen in place, slowly draining her own energy, all of it being deposited into the destruction in front of her.

Fear snatched at her throat, its claws digging deep. Her heart ached with how hard it was beating, adrenalin pooling throughout her limbs, making them feel overly heavy.

 _You know you cannot bring him back without me. You_ need _me. Don’t bother to deny it, child. I felt your desperation, you reeked of it in that room. I knew you wouldn’t have the strength to resist me, or to do this on your own._

This could not be happening. This was a trap. There was no way that this entity, whatever it was, would leave her alive. It was clear, given how much of her energy it was draining from her, how hard it was pushing through her defenses to latch onto her biggest fears and insecurities.

She could feel the thick black bile of it leeching its way inside of her. Its intentions were deplorable, intending to use her and her ability to spread chaos throughout the galaxy. Death and destruction, tyranny and fear left in its wake. She heard the screams of the thousands he had cut down, sucking up their life force to strengthen himself. And he would use her to do the same again

_Stop trying to fight it, Rey Palpatine. I know who you really are. This is your birthright. This is where you will shine. You will never be a Jedi, you will never be a savior. Your own darkness is your undoing and it will never leave you!_

She didn’t want this. No matter how alluring the darkness was or the claim that she could not succeed without it… it wasn’t worth it. Her life, her love, they were just a small speck in the vastness of time and space. The Galaxy would be fine without her. And she would be reunited with Ben in death. Even though she couldn’t bring him back, at least she would potentially get to see him again.

_I’m sorry, Ben. Even if this thing can help me, I cannot risk setting it free._

She used every ounce of willpower she had left.

Trying as hard as she could, she couldn’t seem to let go of the hold it had on her. Frantically she looked for anything that could be useful to her.

Her eyes fell on the saber beside her in the dirt.

Summoning every bit of light within her she tried to fight the dark pull, the madness within her, and the compulsion of the box. For just a moment, it was enough.

She was able to move one of her hands, for the briefest of seconds. She placed the palm of her hand against the lit blade, the scream filling her throat, excruciating pain licking her hand, not enough to slice through and end it. Just enough for her hand to be cut and cauterized over and over.

The pain was distracting enough, sharp enough that her mind cleared. Focusing only on the attack on her body, the attack on her mind momentarily forgotten. She pulled her Force energy away. Relieved at what felt like holding pressure to the bleeding wound of her lifeforce.

The voice died down, the box still shaking on the ground, primed to burst open.

She would have to act quickly, right this wrong before it cost her everything.

She called what was left of her reserves to her, streaming healing power onto the box. She felt the anger surrounding her, the spirit enraged by what she was doing. Cracks slowly mended themselves, sealing the light back into the box, until almost all of the damage had been reversed.

Her power seemed to start to fail her, and she knew she would not be able to heal it completely before she succumbed to her own pain and injury. She focused on cracking the obsidian beneath her feet. Sinking the box below the surface, sealing it into the ground with the last of her strength. The Dark Force no doubt mingling with the stain already permeating this planet.

Her vision seemed to falter, flickering in and out. Her hand was a festering mess of blistered and bleeding skin, excruciating pain racking her body. She finally let the tears go, the ones she had been holding on to since she set foot on Exegol again.

Mourning the loss of her love, and the only chance she had to bring him back.

“I’m so sorry, Ben,” she said, voice breaking on his name. Crawling over to the murky surface of the portal, she reached out her hand, placing the broken skin against the smoky glass. “I love you, I’m sorry. I just couldn’t give in, I couldn’t let him use me. I couldn’t do what was required to bring you back. I wasn’t strong enough,” she lamented.

He was still there, through the bond, and she could feel that he seemed almost as pained as she was. If she survived this, she would hate herself forever for not having what it took to bring him back.

If she survived she would have to learn to live a half-life, at least until they could be reunited in the afterlife. If she didn’t survive… well, it would be preferable. They would be together, she wouldn’t have to keep running and fighting for a place in a Galaxy that clearly didn’t want her, where she didn’t belong.

She was only good as long as she was useful, as long as her power served others. The only person that knew her, accepted her fully and without condition, was no longer there.

She sent one last flicker of Force energy into the surface, an expression of her love, hoping that somehow, by some miracle it would reach him. Her eyes fluttered shut for a last time, finally surrendering.


	18. Void: Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben are finally reunited in the World Between Worlds, unable to resist each other, hoping to never be parted again.  
> NSFW

Void: Reunion

Ben Solo

Fear coated his mouth, the rust of it stuck to his teeth, blood pooling where he had bit the inside of his cheek. He beat the side of his fists into the barrier, screaming her name as he saw her, giving herself over to the darkness for him.

He had watched her struggle, helpless, unable to reach her, unable to break through this prison. He had never hated himself as much as in this moment, standing by as the woman he loved stripped herself away to save him.

“Rey, No! Don’t do this!” he shouted, useless.

The bond flickered between them, he could feel her losing power, pouring all she had into the Wraith box that she had brought along. She wore his fucking shirt. She was killing him.

It looked as if she was on Exegol, and he had no idea how much time had passed. He had warned her against using it, and yet she had not heeded his plea. He couldn’t bear being the reason she fell to the Dark Side.

It was a thought that pushed a humorless laugh from his cracking chest, a few months ago that would have been his deepest desire, to have her join him in the Dark and rule by his side.

He knew better now, he knew the warmth and joy of love, had felt it for just the briefest of moments and it had been enough to convince him that his choice had been worth it. His mind was finally free of the torment from Palpatine, Snoke… every voice that had pushed him past his breaking point and exploited his power. He was free of their influence and the pain they caused. But Rey, she was alone, desperate. He could feel the emotions roiling within her.

She was starting to realize the enormity of what she was doing, and she seemed like she heard or saw something strange, panic lighting across her face. She struggled to pull back, unable to even move her limbs out of place.

 _Gods_ , he couldn’t watch this. He couldn’t take it.

Seeing her, losing herself, losing her battle to the darkness. His sacrifice null. She wasn’t supposed to go this way, she was well on her way to death. If she lost any more of her lifeforce she would be nothing more than a host for the parasitic wraith that had probably been imprisoned for eons within that box. Dangerous. Locked away for a reason.

She was losing, her face screwed up into a grimace as she fought the compulsion. Her eyes darted to her saber and he worried, not knowing what she was thinking. For just a moment she was able to break free, one of her hands shooting out, directly into the path of her lit blade.

Her scream was piercing, the sound of it shooting straight through his chest. Hearing it, seeing how much this harmed her, the sound of her flesh being singed away. It was too much for him. He sank down, defeated. He knew what it felt like, the brief flash of pain of being stabbed. But what she was doing, holding her hand there, was a power he had never known. She was able to sustain it, push through the pain and break free of the dark hold.

The exhaustion and injury seemed to be taking its toll on her, he could see that she would not be able to remain conscious for much longer. He breathed a sigh of relief to see her free. And then she surprised him again.

He didn’t know why he bothered to try and guess what this woman would do. She was infuriating.

She spent the last of her energy, focusing on healing the damage she had inflicted on that godforsaken box. He wanted to yell, curse at her for depleting herself, for harming herself. Mostly he just wanted to grab her to his chest and never let go, never let her out of his sight so she would never have to do anything like this ever again.

He was tired of seeing her in pain, watching her sacrifice herself over and over.

She buried the box beneath the obsidian, turning to look right at him, even though he knew she couldn’t see him. He knew she could feel it, the same way he did. A thin film the only thing between them. It was maddening.

She apologized to him, tears in her eyes, her brutalized hand against the barrier, agonizing to look at. He could feel her giving in, accepting that this would not be possible. It broke him to know that they would not be together, to have to see her leave him. It was the right thing to do, and he could not blame her for it.

But he wished it could be different.

She lamented that she had not had the strength to do what was required. He knew that wasn’t true. He had watched her pour everything she had into it, trying to break her way in. She had done everything possible. This was not on her.

Her eyes fluttering shut, hand still against the barrier.

He bowed his head, overtaken with emotion.

And then her hand passed through the film, still unconscious, he watched the skin slowly stich itself together.

He tried, but he could not move out himself, and so he was forced to try and pull her through, careful not to put too much pressure on her injured hand. Slowly he was able to bring her over the threshold.

He pulled her up into his arms, so similar to the last time he had been able to touch her, for real. Running his hands over her body to check for further injury he was overwhelmed when he felt her torso move with each breath, her pulse strong and steady against her neck.

He buried his head in the crook of her neck, breathing her in, saying a reverent prayer of thanks. The Force interactions had been balm on his aching soul, enough to keep him going through this hellscape of memories.

But this, this was something so much more. It was stronger than he had thought possible, a complete healing on a fracture so old it had seemed to permanently maim him.

“Rey,” he whispered against her neck, “ _Oh,_ Rey,” his voice thick with emotion, trying to hold back the torrent of tears threatening him.

“Ben?” she asked, confused.

So similar to the last time. But different in the best way possible.

“Am I…” she swallowed hard, “Am I dead?” She finished.

He pulled back to look into her eyes, the warm honey of her eyes staring up at him in awe. She did not seem too broken up at the prospect.

“No, Rey. You’re alive. But your sacrifice… it must have unlocked the barrier, I was able to pull you through, and it enabled you to heal,” he said, grateful for the fact. Her pain was too much for him.

“Oh Ben…” she said, throwing her arms around his neck, holding him close.

Her breath teased the skin of his neck, goosebumps rising, his whole body on edge. This was real, it was finally real. He didn’t know how to handle it.

She seemed to look around for the first time. Noticing the dark pathways, stars scattered all around them, diamonds on black silk. The portals in the distance, each leading to a different point in time and space.

“This is really it, the World Between Worlds. I had read about it in the Jedi texts but I had never thought it was real. Oh, Ben… I’m so happy to see you, I’ve missed you so much,” the last escaping in a mere whisper, and he knew exactly what she meant.

“I’ve missed you too, Rey. More than you know,” he responded.

“You can come with me! I can finally bring you back,” she exclaimed, excited at her success.

“I can’t pass through, Rey,” he said, hating the stricken disappointment on her face as she registered what he said.

“Just try, maybe now that I’m here it’s changed things,” she said, holding out hope.

He pressed his hand to the barrier, no give.

She reached out her own, her fingers passing through into the other room. She tried holding onto his hand and moving it through, with nothing to show for it, he simply could not move.

“I’m sorry, Rey. I saw… I saw how hard you tried, how much you fought for me. I do not have the words to convey how much it means to me,” he said, kissing her temple in an attempt to soothe her.

“Ben, _I’m_ sorry. This was supposed to work,” she lamented.

“Shh, we won’t think about that now. I’ve longed for this. Honestly, I cannot think about anything other than the fact that you’re here, in my arms, a prayer and a godsend,” he held her close again, her hands coming up to hold onto his back.

“I never thought I would get this chance, I thought I had lost you forever,” Rey said, trembling in his arms, her fingers gripping him tightly.

He kissed her cheek, small tender kisses along her jaw, planting a sweet peck onto her lips.

She parted her lips, drinking him in, greedy.

Ben reared back, shocked at her response, not expecting the flame of desire that licked at his control. He fought to control his impulses, breathing slow and deep in an attempt to slow his heartrate.

“Rey…” he warned, trying to convey to her just how close he was to fraying.

Seeing her there, in person, vital and hot in his arms, her sweet touch leaving him feverish. It was decadent, calling to the profligate within him. He fought against his baser thoughts, trying just to bask in her presence.

“Ben… Please,” was all she said.

All she had to say.

Her hands caught in his hair, pulling his face down to hers, deepening the kiss, the sensation heady and overwhelming. The dam wall cracking under the pressure, his emotions and yearning rising, ready to burst free.

“Rey, are you sure?” he asked, somehow finding the willpower to pull away one more time.

“Ben Solo, shut your mouth and kiss me,” she demanded, eager to get closer, her breath already harsh and rapid, her pupils dilated, the black almost encompassing the molten honey of her eyes.

She had never looked more beautiful, or irresistible.

He obeyed.

His mouth came crashing down onto hers, his hands swallowing any part of her he could touch. She seemed so small in his grasp, but he felt the steel beneath her skin, knew firsthand just how strong she was. Knew that just as much as he wanted to plunder, she could take whatever she deigned and he would gladly offer it up.

Her fingers gripped his hair, pulling slightly, the sting only serving to spur him on further. He wrested his lips from her, and before she could protest, he placed his lips against her pulse, the sweet musk of her neck intoxicating.

Her protest melted into a low moan, the sound driving him to a frenzy. Desperate to touch every part of her, taste every part he could reach.

She seemed to agree, yanking his shirt up over his back, tossing it aside, not caring to see where it ended up. He leaned back, kneeling before her, his hands fisted on top of his thighs, fighting for control of himself.

She lay half reclined on the ground, her hair mussed, lips swollen, enticing.

Pressing up so that she too knelt in front of him, her small hand reached out to cover his fist, urging his fingers open, leading his grasp. Using his hand, she curled his fingers around the fabric, driving him to pull her shirts over her head.

The sight left him breathless, a shiver passing along his spine, right down, leaving him engorged and throbbing at her bare vulnerability.

Her skin looked milky where the sun had not had the chance to kiss it, small freckles dusted along her shoulders and a small V on her chest, matching the ones on the bridge of her nose. That same V pulling his gaze downward, and she did not seem unaffected either. Cream skin, soft and small, nipples dusky and pert, they drew a groan from his own throat.

He knew that if she made a move now, verbal or otherwise, it would snap the taut control he was trying desperately to keep in place.

She smiled at him, satisfied with what she saw on his face, what she felt through the bond. That smug tug of her lips, coupled with a slight brow raise, a challenge. She tugged on her trousers, trailing them down slowly, leaning back to finish the task. She kicked them aside, her body bare, totally bare, splayed out before him.

She looked over at him the whole time, watching his response.

Ben’s fingernails dug into the skin of his thighs, his jaw locked into place, the muscle beside it jumping with the strain.

Her hands trailed up from her thighs, brushing along the sides of her body, up until her hands were above her head, the motion pulling her breasts up, her back slightly arched. She bit her bottom lip.

And he snapped.

His body covering her own, mere seconds for the movement, unable to resist any longer. Fingers twisted through her hair, he rushed ahead, tasting her mouth, down her jaw, over her neck and collarbone. Her pulse jumped and he could feel it fighting against his assault on her composure. His own was in tatters.

“Ben,” she whispered, driving him insane.

There was no going back for him, no more time for doubt or questioning. His yearning was a power unlike he had ever had to fight against, and he lost. The moment her fingernails bit into his back, he lost.

Her legs splayed for him, he leaned down between them, hovering over her, worried about putting too much of his weight on her. He had never been so aware of the difference in their sizes. They hadn’t seemed this big when they were fighting. He marveled at the change; she was soft in all the places that he was angular. His callused hands trailing along her silken skin.

He ran one of those rough fingertips over her nipple, his thumb brushing the sensitive nub, rewarded when her breath caught in her throat and she arched up into his hand.

It felt as if he was close to bursting out of his own pants, and she seemed eager for him to escape them as well, her small hands tugging at the fabric, trying to get closer to him.

He slid them over his buttocks and down his thighs, his thickness heavy and hot, arching up, free from its confines. She peered down, swallowing at the sight of him, her eyes running over his naked body. Her parted lips, the small gasping breaths, all leading him to the conclusion that she was as affected as he was. As desperate for him to touch her as he was.

He looked at her in question, one last chance before it was too late for both of them.

She nodded and he spread out over her, covering her body with his own.

Her legs wrapped around his waist, hands running over the ridges of his back, touching as much of him as she could. He answered in kind, hands stroking up the outside of her thigh, pausing at the curve of her hip, gripping her there for a moment as he leaned himself forward, his weight on that forearm.

So close, he could feel her slick heat, her arousal a offer he was helpless to resist.

His other hand roamed higher, over the curve of her waist, the soft mound of her breast, before twining his fingers with her own. He lifted her hand over her head, releasing her hip he did the same with the other. Her hands small enough for both to fit in one of his.

He held them aloft, both of them breathing harshly. His head bent, placing a kiss upon that tempting nipple, swirling his tongue around the erect nub. She arched up, into the feeling, her breath catching in her throat. And he used that distraction to press forward, sliding into her, slowly, feeling her give in to him.

It was torturous, the slow movement devastating for both of them, but he was loathe to hurt her, didn’t want to risk being too rough. She parted beneath him, encompassing his turgid heat, the sensation heaven and hell all at once.

“ _Gods_ Rey, you’re driving me crazy,” he intoned, voice husky and low with desire.

“Good, now you know what I feel,” she answered, rolling her hips against him, the movement eliciting a grunt from deep inside of his throat.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he begged.

She answered by rocking against him.

“Please, don’t hold back. I can take it,” she promised, her breathless plea a siren’s lure.

He cursed her under his breath, urging his hips forward, gripping her hands in his own. The drag out painful, the thrust inside torture… the friction divine.

She met his thrusts, the hunger within her far from being sated.

He released her from his grip, eager to get as much of her in his grasp as he could. No touch enough for him. He seemed to burn from the inside, the smoldering ember of desire fanning into a reckless flame.

He wrapped his arms around her, trying to get as close as possible and she responded in kind, tightening the legs that were wrapped around him, her hands dragging down his back, begging for purchase.

The intensity rose within both of them and she met his punishing strokes, her breathy gasps slowly morphing into frenzied moans, both of them chasing something they hadn’t taken the time to understand or consider. Pressure built around them, until it felt as if everything else disappeared.

All he was aware of was the soft give of her body beneath him, her throaty sounds of pleasure spurring him on. Her hands laying waste to his body and soul.

“Rey, I…” he struggled, desperate to tell her how he felt, too much for words. Too much and not enough all at the same time. He couldn’t contain his feelings, would never get enough of her. Painful desire.

“I know,” she responded, “ _Please_ , Ben…” she begged, her eyes glazed, lost in the same sensation that he was. He rushed onward, drunk on the feel of her, the scent of her skin, her soft mewls. Driving him to destruction. Cresting together, he felt the sharp relief wash over him, finally releasing himself within her. The fever breaking.

She writhed beneath him, his name on the tip of her tongue, a fervent prayer, repeated over and over as she crashed down with him, gripping him within her.

His strokes slowed; his head buried in her neck as they came down from the peak together. Their chests rose in tandem, breathing frantic, and he could feel the harsh drum of her heartbeat against his skin.

He would never be the same again, she had ruined him. If he hadn’t already died, this would have been the final blow.


	19. Void: Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben bask in the aftermath of their reunion, still in the World Between Worlds, Rey tries to find a way to stay together.

Void: Choices

They slept, twined together, for the briefest slice of heaven. Ben was able to rest for the first time since he had awoken to find himself in this vacuum of time and space. Rey was content, her head cushioned by the rising and falling of his chest, the sound of his heartbeat a lullaby. They woke happily, peaceful.

If she could relive a moment, have it play on a loop for all of eternity, it would be this. The sweet brush of his fingers over her bare back, the warmth of his skin, his scent drowning her senses. This was the perfect moment, and she hated that it would only be a moment. She screwed her eyes shut, trying to force herself to go back to sleep, not wanting it to end.

Almost every other interaction they had had been fighting each other, or some larger evil, never able to just have a private moment to let each other in completely. Her muscles ached, in the most delicious ways, her cheeks flushing at the memory of how brazen she had been, how much she had needed him.

This was the happiest moment she could remember, she just didn’t know how she was going to fix all of this. She had no idea how she had managed to find her way inside or how to get Ben out.

“What are you thinking about? I can feel you tensing up,” he said, his voice rumbling through his chest, the sound distorted against the ear she had pressed against him.

“Trying to figure out how this is even possible, and how I can help you come back with me,” she said, not bothering to hide the truth from him. He would see through a ruse anyhow.

“Rey… I don’t know what to say, or how to thank you for trying as hard as you have. The moments with you, especially right now, are the most cherished of my life,” he said.

“Why does it sound like there’s a but in there?” she asked, worried.

“Because I feel like maybe there should be. Maybe I don’t deserve to go back, maybe I don’t deserve that chance…” he said.

She started to sputter, voice raising, ready to interject when he held up a finger to halt her.

“Let me finish, please?” he asked, changing his position so that he could see her, look her in the eye when he explained what he had been feeling since he was sent here.

“What I am, what I did in that life… was deplorable, irredeemable. Even if we found a way back for me, there would be no forgiveness waiting for me. I’m not sure that even you could truly forgive me… and rightly so,” he said.

He sounded so defeated, so resigned to his fate. Rey wanted to reassure him, tell him that everything would be okay, that they would figure it out, but she knew it was more complicated than that. Rey didn’t want to put voice to her doubt. Didn’t want to spoil the moments that until right now had felt almost perfect.

“None of us are perfect. I’ve killed, I’ve hurt. I didn’t even consider it, I was doing what I thought had to be done,” she tried to explain it away, tried to absolve his guilt by equating it to her own.

“You were fighting for a cause, the correct one. You were on the right side of the war. What you did saved millions of lives. What I did, what I aided in, cost scores and would have cost millions more if you and the Resistance hadn’t stepped in. I accept that, Rey. I acknowledge my part in it, as difficult as it is,” he said, that soft finality in his voice breaking her heart, it sounded like he was giving up, like he wanted her to give him up as well.

“Ben…” she said, unable to formulate a response that could convey the depth and confusion of what she was feeling.

“Rey, it’s okay. I’m not sure exactly how much time has passed, but since I’ve been here, I’ve had to confront myself and my choices. The portal you came through… there are hundreds like it, pivotal moments, every mistake and wrong decision and horrifying deed. I’ve been forced to endure them all, over and over, the only reprieve the moments with you, either in memories or Force visions,“ he said, a small smile undercutting the pain of what he had suffered here.

“I will not subject you to that, you do not belong here, you belong out with the living, making a difference… being happy, I cannot offer you a life here. All I have are my mistakes and the pain that goes with them,” he said.

“There has to be a way we can make this work. You just mentioned all the portals you had found; we could find a way to leave this place. Maybe we could pass _through_ one of them, maybe we could change things?” Rey asked, excitement building with each word.

Ben just shook his head.

“I’ve tried, Rey. I’ve tried to stop myself so many times, I haven’t been able to reach through any of them,” he explained.

“You can’t, but _I_ can. Let me try this, let me go back and fix all of it,” she said.

Again, he shook his head, his lips a harsh line, his brow furrowed.

“And how far will you go back? To the first time I blew up a planet, the first person I killed, the first dark thought I had, the moment the darkness started to lay claim to me… that happened before you were even born. I have been destined for this, primed for it, since before I was born,” he said. 

“Ben, _please…”_ She begged.

“If you go back, if you change everything, what is there to say someone else will not rise in my place, Palpatine’s pawn? And if you go back further and stop Palpatine from doing any number of things, would I even be _alive_ … would you?” He said. Far too damn reasonable for his own good.

“You know better than to give in to the hubristic belief that you can fix everything. Luke must have taught you that in your training with him. The Jedi, the Sith, just two sides of the same coin. Our power should not be used to exploit, we are guardians of the Force, not gods,” he said and Rey wanted to lash out at him, anything rather than feel the crushing disappointment of how right he was.

She was being selfish, and she knew it. Once again, she was astounded by how easily the darkness within her rose to the challenge.

“I cannot go back without you. I cannot survive it. A life alone, something I had tried so hard to escape from. I spent _years_ waiting for a family that I knew would never come! I thought I had found a new family, only to lose them piecemeal, and have them turn their backs on me. _You’re_ my family, Ben. You’re all I have left in this world,” she felt the tears rising to her throat, her nudity suddenly feeling too intrusive in the face of her emotionally being stripped bare as well. She reached for her shirts, pulling them over her head to cover at least some of her body.

“ _Rey,_ ” he begged, the pain in his voice a husky rasp of her name. She cut him to the quick with her declaration, her desperate yearning, raw.

He had been abandoned by his family, betrayed by them… he knew what she was feeling. He had killed his father, lost his mother and his uncle, his only other mentors were demons whispering within his mind. If anyone understood what it felt like it was him.

And she was right, they were the only family the other had. An unbreakable bond, they would never survive being parted. Already he had seen how much she struggled with both of their life-forces within her. They were supposed to balance out the Force, and each other.

He had no idea if it would work, but he wondered what might happen if she tried to transfer some of that Force back to him, even though he couldn’t come back it might help her, make it easier on her.

“I can see the struggle within you, I’ve watched you battle both sides of your nature, overtaken with the warring Force energy within you. Maybe, even though I cannot come back with you… maybe transferring some of it over might help you, might ease your burden?” he suggested, trying to reach out to her, his hand entwining with hers.

She thought about it for a moment, before nodding her acquiescence.

She laid her palm against his cheek, pulling her other hand from his to lay over his heart. Being here, between, her body had healed. Part of her hoped that the same was true for Ben. Focusing her energy, she closed her eyes, thought of all the little moments that they had shared. The times where their passion had burnt so brightly they almost cut each other down, the softer instances where they had opened up to each other.

The kiss they had shared after he sacrificed himself for her, last night when they had finally joined, strengthening their bond beyond what Rey could ever have imagined. All of the ardor and heartache of their relationship flowed through her. Mostly though she focused on love, the love she held within her, radiating out through the Force, through their bond, and into his body.

He seemed overtaken by the energy and feeling pouring into him, his chest aching forward, pulled by some invisible tether, the thread between them solidifying. Here he was, her other half, her soul mate, her confidant… her family.

She poured as much out as she could, only stopping short when it felt as if she would collapse. Not wanting to drain herself completely, not wanting to lose the connection between them because she had depleted herself.

“You gave me too much,” he accused, a lone tear streaking down his cheek, his voice shaky.

“I gave you what you gave me, every ounce of love within your body…” she said, trying to sound flippant, despite the fact that she was exhausted.

“You’re insufferable, you know that? And I’ve never loved you more than right now,” he leaned forward, planting a kiss onto her lips, feeling their inevitable separation looming.

“Now would you mind getting me my shirt?” he asked, gesturing to the one that had been flung through the portal, into the cave on Exegol, donning the pants that lay nearby.

“Yes, I very much would mind. I need both of them,” she said, trying to make a joke, loathe to leave, not knowing if she would be able to come back if she left. She pulled her own pants on, the fabric feeling the same as before but somehow she felt different.

“I’ll hold your hand the whole time,” he said, trying to ease her worries, the panic clear on her face.

He looked so much like when she had seen him shirtless the first time, through the bond, when she was still on Ahch-To.

“Promise?” she asked, her voice small, the apprehension and sadness dampening the exuberance of their reunion.

“I swear it,” he said, reaching out his hand.

This time she took it. The warmth of his, reassuring. The feeling of his skin against hers still something she wasn’t used to. She wasn’t sure it was something she could ever get used to.

They stood, pausing in front of the portal, and Ben squeezed Rey’s hand, trying to imbue some strength. He didn’t know how he would cope with their parting, but he would do it for her, he would wait until they could be rejoined in the Force.

“I don’t want to watch you leave,” he said, vulnerability creeping into his tone.

“I don’t want to see you disappear… let’s do it with our eyes closed?” she suggested.

They stepped forward, eyes screwed shut. One step, and then Rey took another, and another.

The rough ground underneath her bare feet bit into the skin. She heard the crackling thunder above her. Another step, crunching and painful. She kept walking until she was sure she had passed the threshold, and then some. Not wanting to leave anything to chance, not wanting to believe that this was happening.

Her breath came in rapid gasps, her heart beating so hard she thought she might die from the exertion. This had to be a dream, this couldn’t be real.

She dug the fingernails of one of her hands into her thigh, the pain sharp and very real… and in the other she felt Ben’s hand, still within hers.


	20. Space: Homeward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben try to find a place to start over.

Space: Homeward

Her head swung to the side to see it for herself, eyes searching, dragging over every inch of his body to make sure that all of him was intact, alive and well. His expression was dumbfounded, his eyes wide, fingers squeezing hers so hard it was almost painful. 

“Rey?” he asked, as if looking to her for affirmation, waiting for her to tell him this was real.

“Ben,” she breathed, his name an answered prayer on her lips. She smiled for a moment, and then she launched herself at him, jumping up into his arms, laughing at his shocked expression.

She peppered kisses across his cheeks, over the soft cushion of his lips, the tip of his nose. 

He pressed her to him, clutching her tight, his whole body shaking. His head buried in the crook of her neck, just breathing. Just breathing the dusty air of Exegol, tinged with her sweetness. He had never felt more alive, or happier to be so.

“I… forgot my shoes,” she said, the giddiness at him being here overshadowing how ridiculous she looked.

“So did I…” he said, looking down, or trying to. He couldn’t see his feet while he held her, but he felt the biting gravel under his foot.

She wiggled down off of him, picking up her saber that had been left behind when she moved through the portal, the blade still ignited, turning the toggle.

He raised his eyebrows at it, curious about the yellow blade and the new hilt.

She tried to reach through the portal to fetch their shoes, but her hand just met the murky service, now cool to the touch.

“Well, damn. Guess we’re climbing without shoes. I’m sorry,” she said, sheepish.

“Where exactly are we? I assume we’re on Exegol,” he said, gesturing up at the sounds of the angry sky.

“We’re at the bottom of the trench that you were thrown down,” Rey responded.

He grimaced at that, remembering the pain he had felt, the impact of hitting the edge and tumbling down into what looked like a bottomless pit. His heart sat high in his chest, the anxiety of the memory of her death enough to have him reach out for her hand. He needed to reassure himself that this was real.

Her small palm met his, fingers entwining, a soft squeeze of reassurance before she set out, back from whence she came, her heart and soul so much lighter than before.

He followed behind her, emotion warring within him. Unable to process his luck, his incredible opportunity at a life, a real one. Staring up at her as she ascended, his salvation, he fought the urge to weep with gratitude. 

He could not disappoint her, not after she had gone to hell to drag him back.

Following her, ignoring the pain that climbing caused, the sharp rock cutting into their feet. He knew she must have been struggling as much as he was, but she never complained, just pushing ahead.

Two ships sat side by side, the Tie Fighter he had borrowed and a yellow racer. 

“No Falcon?” he asked, trying to keep the disappointment from his voice.

“It belongs to Chewbacca now, I couldn’t take it, especially not with how I left things with them. The last I knew they were looking for me, to apprehend me, since I told them the truth of who I was and what you did to save me,” she shrugged, trying to keep the hurt from her voice.

“If you don’t mind, and if you have the room, I would prefer to fly in your ship. It doesn’t feel right…” he let the thought drift away, gesturing to the ship he had come on. 

She understood, knowing that he couldn’t bring himself to step back into that role, even if it was just by flying their ship.

“I’m sure we can make it work, there’s not much room, so it’ll be a tight squeeze,” she smiled, “But where do we go?” she asked.

Ben seemed to think about it for a moment, knowing that they were both probably considered war criminals it would be hard to establish themselves anywhere with a large population or ties to either faction. Their saving grace right now seemed to be the fact that they were in the Unknown Regions, and their best bet would probably be to stay in the Unknown Regions.

He knew of only a handful of places that were easy to get to, none of which were very friendly, most were outposts that had served as part of the war machine that was the First Order. If only they had a way to navigate this place, they could find somewhere remote and start over.

“We have to stay in the Unknown Regions, for our own safety, though I don’t know where or how to get anywhere safe. I wish we had a way to navigate, a map or a sextant, a compass, anything would be helpful out here,” he said, seemingly thinking aloud.

“The only maps I had are with the Resistance, and I had to leave my sextant behind on the ship that I crashed on Chandrila… As for a compass, I think I know where we can find one without having to leave the Unknown Regions,” she said, an idea bubbling up to the surface.

He raised an eyebrow in question.

“Ahch-To. Luke lived there for many years, he had a compass among other tools that may prove useful,” she said, thinking of the lightsaber that he had probably left behind when he died.

She only hoped that the Caretakers wouldn’t curse her return. It seemed every time she was on Ahch-To she somehow found something to destroy.

He bristled at the mention of Luke, but trusted her judgement, wondering at the compass she mentioned. Questioning if it could possibly be the same one that he had encountered and studied while he was Luke’s padawan.

They set out in her small craft, tightly packed, ultra-aware of the other’s body, the heat within the cabin sweltering at times. They spoke little, Rey piloting, concentrating on navigating the difficult Region. The only communication between them, besides the feelings pouring through the bond, was Ben’s touch.

His light brushes against her skin, as if trying to convince himself that this was real, that she wasn’t just going to disappear at any given moment.

They traversed the distance, slowly but steadily, a multitude of hyperspace jumps later and they approached the oceanic planet.

Ben felt the Force energy coming off of it like a slap in the face, and he could see that Rey had been affected as well, though given that it wasn’t her first time on Ahch-To, perhaps she had become accustomed to it by that point. 

She set the ship down, unsealing the cabin, grateful for the fresh air, even though she missed their proximity the moment she climbed out from within. Ben seemed a little lost, eyes wide at Ahch-To and she remembered what it had felt like the first time she had encountered the island from her dreams.

Trekking up to Luke’s old hut, Ben following behind her, she wished for shoes, the pain from her previous climb having done a number on her feet. The Caretakers were nowhere to be found, but Rey knew that they could appear at any given moment.

“We’ll have to do this quickly, before they come back,” she said, whispering, stepping into the hut.

He wanted to ask who but his thought was interrupted by seeing the space. Somehow he could still feel an energy, an imprint left on the room. He knew that Luke had become one with the Force, felt it shortly after the battle on Crait. In his anger then he had not dealt with the other feelings he felt at losing his previous mentor and more importantly a close family member.

Now the dull ache of grief left untended reared its head. 

Rey headed over to a box, lifting the lid and procuring the same compass from his memories, the last time he had seen it had been the night of their confrontation. Taking a closer look at the box, Ben was astonished to find that it was his old calligraphy set box, now devoid of writing materials, but the same nonetheless.

He wrestled with the guilt he felt, the horror of that night, he felt ashamed to be thinking about it again. The only saving grace was that Ben had seen the interaction again through the portal, had seen Luke struggle, had seen Palpatine send the burst of lightning that burnt down the Jedi training temple… something Ben had blamed himself for since that night. One small action he wasn’t at fault for, a tiny thing he didn’t need to repent.

She reached back in, her hand wrapped around the cold metal of Luke’s lightsaber.

Wordlessly, she held it out to him.

His fingers shook as he reached for it, a deed that felt sacrilegious. He tried shaking his head, conveying what he felt, trying to deter her, but she paid him no mind. Insistent. The heft of the metal felt reassuring in his grasp, and the moment he wrapped his hand around the hilt he felt some of the apprehension fade away. He could feel the small connection to Luke, the thread that tied him to the saber, but it was not abhorrent, there was no struggle within him or the weapon.

“He would have wanted you to have it, Ben,” she said. As If she could read his mind. He just nodded, his knuckles stark as he gripped it tightly, fighting against the torrent of emotion, mainly loss and regret.

Rey rooted through some of the other parts of the hut, procuring some shoes, too large for her, too small for him, but they would have to do for now. She also grabbed a cowl and hood, amassing a small survival kit within a few minutes and he marveled at her. At seeing her in her element, the scavenger he had heard so much about, admiring her grit and the lengths she went to to survive and get the job done.

They left the village, ill-fitting shoes and packs in tow. Rey stowed them away within the small hold on the craft, inspecting it for any damage or repairs needed. She seemed in good shape, and Rey seemed satisfied that it would survive at least one other trip.

“Where to?” she asked, holding out the compass for him to take. 

He inspected it, trying to remember how they had managed to get it to work all those years ago. He thought about what they needed, a remote planet, deep within the Unknown Regions, trying to pull Force energy around himself and imbue it within the compass.

The center lit up, responding to his wish.

“Not quite sure, but it’s worth following the compass, I suppose,” he said, boarding the ship, Rey following shortly, the hiss of the seal precluding their rapid ascent into the sky.

Both of them were eager to find a place, somewhere with a promise of a future together, away from the pain and horror they had endured and caused. 

Following the compass, they set out in hope of a new life.

Rey had to avoid flying debris, the pull of black holes too close, and she flew practically blind, short hyperspace jumps, rapid whirls. She had done her fair share of flying but she had never felt as sick as she did then, the chaotic twists and loops, jumps and stops. Relief was too small a word to describe what she felt when a planet came into view.

It was in a sector that she had never been in, one that was definitely not on any of the maps they had at their disposal as part of the Resistance. Even Ben seemed stumped by its appearance. As soon as they came closer within its orbit the light within the compass flickered out. Job done, she supposed. 

He squeezed her shoulder in support and she dipped down, hurtling closer to the earth. The planet was verdant, no signs of civilization for as far as they could see. She found a clearing on which to land and was astounded by the surroundings.

Lush and wild, groves of massive trees stretched up to reach the sky, the tops meeting to create a canopy that shut out all but a few shafts of bright sunlight. 

The ship did show a sufficient oxygen reading for the outside, so Rey released the airlock and tentatively took a deep breath. The air was pure, slightly heavy with moisture, and tinged with the smell of damp earth. A light breeze ruffled her hair, the tendrils tickling the side of her face. 

She settled down the side of the ship, her feet meeting the soft cushion of grass that bristled along with the wind. Leaning down, she touched a wispy strand of a wildflower near her, the petals being carried off with the air when she lifted it up to sniff. She watched their dance, swirling through the air. Peace, all she felt here was peace.

There was no strong pull from the Force, no compulsion from either side, clearly no vergence nearby. 

She heard the soft thud of his feet meeting the earth beside her and turned her face up to gauge his reaction. His face seemed impassable, his expression closed off, but she could feel the flurry within him through the bond. 

He took a few steps forward, his body seemingly releasing tension with each move, the sun baking down, pleasantly warm, thawing. She strode up to meet him, her hand meeting his, fingers locking.

He looked over at her, at the way the sun hit her hair, lightning some of the strands, the molten honey of her eyes intense, and he wanted nothing more than to drown in her. Instead he took a deep breath, calming himself, able for the first time to just enjoy a moment.

His fingers squeezed hers, the pad of his thumb tracing lazy circles into the back of her hand.

“Welcome home, Rey,” he said, bending down to place a kiss on her smiling lips.


	21. Giaca: Settle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben work on building their new home and dealing with the challenges of their relationship in the wake of all that has happened. NSFW

Giaca: Settle

Days burned hot under the Giacan sun, the work hard and the progress slow, but they had each other and the promise of tomorrow. Their lightsabers proved essential in cutting down the Toroc trees, the thick trunks giving way like soft butter under the bright blades.

They used the Force sparingly, only for the hardest of tasks, preferring the feeling of accomplishment that followed work, their hands rough, bodies tired. In the days and weeks that passed the cabin came together, love and sweat and liberty poured into every inch, every grain of wood.

The crude dwelling became a warm embrace on the cool nights, each day closer to being a real home. Rey walked down to the stream daily, filling the large waterskin they had fashioned from one of the Brintak that had threatened their home. The meat had not been the most delicious thing, but it had seen them through a particularly arduous week. The skin had proved most useful, with it they fashioned themselves shoes that actually fit, the waterskin, and the pelt that softened the ground they slept on.

Rey had been working on a surprise for Ben, every day he would slip into the woods to "meditate", at least that was what he called it. He spent at least an hour every day, as the sun started its lazy descent toward the horizon, in a clearing deep into the forest, praying. At least that’s the closest thing Rey could equate it to. She had felt the tumult within him and so she had snuck over to observe him one day, and was sorry she had.

His eyes shut, the Force swirling around him, he reached out to something. She wasn’t sure if he was replaying his memories or trying to reach the souls of those beyond. But he sat in his pain, hundreds of names passing over his lips, each one like a lash on his soul.

He must have felt her nearby, but he didn’t let on, unless he was too caught up to notice.

When he came back he was weary, his eyes deeply shadowed, quiet. He looked world-worn, in dire need of rest after the labors of the day and whatever he was doing to his spirit out there.

So, she took that time making them a bed, washing and then drying out the chaff and straw, leaves from the Toroc trees. Hunting a few of the Brintak, stripping them to use their skin and pelts to fashion the cover, a needle scrounged from one of the bones. Armed only with the dying light of the day and an hour at a time. It took her longer than she anticipated, and trying to make thread from the animal and plant fibers had proved difficult. But eventually she managed.

Once they had finished laying down a roof, she knew it was finally time, and she slipped out a bit earlier than usual, leaving Ben to finish padding and waterproofing the roof. The trees had proved laden with sap and resin, which helped them seal and weatherproof their new home. Thick leaves and straw interwoven created an impenetrable cover, one of the last steps to make their dwelling go from livable to a home.

They had been lucky with the weather, but Rey knew it wasn’t going to stay that way forever, the nights started lengthening, the air cooling. Being off of the floor would be beneficial for them both.

She transported the mattress and the frame she had built with the leftover materials, using the Force so that she would not need Ben’s help, or disturb him. Trying all the while to ignore the ache she felt through the bond. She didn’t know why he tortured himself so, it killed her to see it every day.

The bed set up, packed and fluffy, heaven after sleeping on the hard-packed earth, she hoped he would like it, hoped it would offer him some kind of respite after his disconcerting "meditations".

She cooked the Brintak meat, simmering it with some of the root vegetables she had found near the river, hoping that it might add a different flavor and make it more appealing.

When he arrived back he said nothing, as usual, merely filling his wooden bowl and consuming it like a man possessed. She knew how hard he worked and how hungry he must have been.

Once finished he settled back on the grass, staring up at the stars, the warm glow of the fire a deep contrast to the blackness of the night around them, the angles of his face thrown into sharp relief.

Gods, she loved this man. Loved how much he was willing to do to build a life with her, the gentleness with which he touched her. He never raised his voice, something that astounded her, considering the passion they used to fight with, but Ben was loathe to do anything to upset or hurt her. It seemed as if he was trying hard to keep himself in check, dampening any action or feeling that had any kind of roughness or anger.

Her own moods were mercurial at times, frustration at not knowing what to do, at not having tools or necessities at her disposal wearing on her. Yet, he took everything she threw at him, patiently waiting for her to calm down before he offered his aid. And so they learnt together, learnt how to build a future from the ground up.

“Ben…” she said.

“Hmm,” he responded, turning toward where she sat by the fire, the light of the flames illuminating his expression. His brows were drawn in introspection, his soft lips pursed, the muscle in his jaw jumping as he clenched and unclenched it. The weight of the world on him.

“I have something for you, inside...” she said, her voice soft, shy.

The wood crackled, straining under the heat, collapsing into shooting embers every now and then, the loudest sound in the still night air.

His eyes lit up slightly, his expression relaxing into something more akin to curiosity and contentment. She led the way inside, the door swinging open.

It had been one of the harder tasks, not that any of this had been easy, but fashioning a functional door with wooden hinges had proven tough, but it really finished it off, made it feel permanent.

They had made lamps, soaking materials in the Brintak fat to make candles and wicks. The ambient light danced across the wood walls, warming the space with its soft glow.

“Close your eyes,” she commanded, before he crossed the threshold.

Ben covered his eyes with his hands, pausing so Rey could grasp his forearm and tug him toward the center of the room. She turned him so that he stood at the foot of the bed.

“Okay, open them,” she said, struggling to keep the excitement from her voice, and failing.

His lips quirked up into a small smile at the sound of it, dropping his hands to look at the bed she had spent painstaking hours on.

She had carved swirling patterns into the headboard and feet, the fluffy mattress covered with soft animal hide. She had even gone through the trouble of making them each a pillow.

“You made this, for us?” he asked, his voice thickening with emotion.

He looked over at her, her hands wrung together, nervous. She nodded, wordless, waiting in anticipation and concern.

His chest swelled with gratitude and pride. She had worked so hard over the past few weeks, thankless work, trying her best to make their new environment welcoming. And now, now she had built a sturdy and permanent fixture for their home. A soft place for him to land after the torturous time in the woods.

“Sweet, kind, _breathtaking_ , Rey… I do not deserve you,” he said, devastated.

She rushed over to him, wanting nothing more than to erase the hurt she heard in his voice, the agony etched into his face. Wrapping her arms around him, she rested her head on his chest, sending up a prayer of thanks every time she heard his heartbeat.

“I just wanted to give you a place to rest, a respite from everything that haunts you,” she said, tears choking her as she thought of the pain that ripped into her every day through the bond, knowing that it was only a taste of what he endured.

His face crumpled under her admission, her sweet intention his undoing. He buried his face in her hair, breathing her in. This woman, strong and sure, his shelter from the tumult within. She was his sanctuary, more than this house, more than the bed, more than he ever thought he would get.

He wanted to be sweet, wanted to take his time, but the edge from the forest hadn't faded yet. Their faces were burnt into his memory, the guilt sat heavy across his shoulders, a shroud he would never be able to shrug off. He was alive, and they weren't. And he definitely did not deserve to be.

Even though he no longer called himself Kylo Ren, even though he had mentally committed himself to living sequestered away, atoning for his sins, undeserving... it didn't change what had happened, what he had done.

His sacrifice was supposed to have meant something, made a difference... fixed at least the tiniest sliver of the destruction he had caused. And Rey undid all of that.

Selfishly he was grateful, drowning in the divinity of a life with her. But he couldn't enjoy it. Couldn't shake the feeling that it would all come crashing down and he would have to lose everything he treasured, a fitting punishment, a fate worse than dying.

And so he couldn't hold back, the emotion swirling within too turbulent to still, too loud to smother, and it showed. The fear he had of losing her, losing this life, a serrated edge on his patience.

He bent down to kiss her, all the pent-up emotion cresting too close to the surface for him to shove it down. All the fear, pain, aggression and frustration that had bottled up within him since he turned, since she brought him back, spilled over the surface. His lips were harsh, and a part of him, the last shred of sanity warned him to pull back.

But she met his kiss, matched the passion, and he was lost.

His hands fisted the material that pooled around her waist, gripping it upward, desperate to feel her skin. The warmth a reminder that they were both here, alive.

She reached for him, clutching at his shirt, trying to pull it up but struggling due to the difference in their heights. Usually it would have made him laugh, now it just fueled the frustration. Pulling back, he yanked it over his head, tossing it clear across the room.

Rey stood before him, mussed and partially dressed; a temptation too strong for him to fight. He stalked toward her, and for the first time in a while, since the last time they had crossed sabers, she realized just how large and imposing he could be.

She receded, the backs of her knees meeting the edge of the bedframe, nowhere else to go. And although she felt nervous, she didn't feel afraid. This was what he held back, every day. His demons sat just beneath his skin, taut and ready to strike.

He lifted her, her legs wrapping around his torso, her hands laying waste to his silken black curls. His lips razing her neck. Languidly he stretched them out onto the new bed, looming over her, his eyes dark, molten. She wanted to fall into the abyss of his gaze.

He didn’t pause, didn’t leave a second to chance, the tension between them seeping into the air, charged, dangerous.

He was devastating, his body honed and battle-ready, all the hard work from the last few months displayed in every straining muscle, every chord and knot, thrown into sharp relief on his skin.

Those large, callused hands, igniting the nerve-endings of every part they touched, her body curving under the onslaught. Her moan caught in the back of her throat, struggling to keep up with the sensation. Just when she tried to ride it out, relax into the feeling, he would move on, igniting and stoking, devious.

Pushed to a fever-pitch, she was desperate for more of him, desperate for him to ease up, breathless. He was relentless, his mouth leading the attack on her senses, hands following, worshipping and destroying.

“Please,” she begged, unsure whether the plea was for him to cease or plunder, all she knew was that this in between was madness.

He acquiesced, his response to rid them both of the last of their clothing.

She thought about what he had said to her, the first time they had spoken, when he promised her that he could take what he wanted. What she hadn’t realized was that someday she would gladly relinquish it.

He entered her with a swift stroke, easy, given how primed she was for it, the relief almost instantaneous. She needed this, they both did. He needed a way to work out some of the edge, and she needed all of him, especially the part he kept locked away.

She was worried that the separation he tried to force from his emotions would impede him, chipping away at him until he couldn’t cope. She worried that in doing so he would distance himself from her further, trying to protect her. So, to see him, feel him release it, at least partially, was welcome.

He couldn’t seem to get enough of her, no amount of movement, no matter how close they were, it wasn’t enough. He held on to her, clutching her for dear life. His desire was a sharp blade, whet by his desperation to keep it at bay, keep himself under control. This was so far removed from control, he didn’t know how to pull himself back from the brink.

Flames of need licked at him, merciless, frantic for it to end before he lost himself completely.

He pushed her, and himself, further than they had gone before, harder than he ever had. A part of him knew this was a mistake, knew that he should pull away before it was too late. The overwhelming part spurred him on, begging him to stay.

She met him, thrust for thrust. Their skin slick with sweat, hearts pounding.

Not enough.

He pulled out, just for a moment, her moan of protest cut short as he urged her onto her knees. The dip of her waist, the curve of her back, leaving him depraved. He wrapped the thick strand of her braid around the back of his hand, tugging her up. His lips leaving a blazing trail over her arched neck. His other hand roaming over her body, incensed. He wanted to drive her as crazy as he felt, wanted her to ride that knife’s edge between need and release.

He felt her whimper, the soft vibration against his mouth, and he plunged forward, their bodies meeting, ravaging her. Her breath caught, her eyes closing, giving in to the sensation.

 _Pull back,_ his conscience begged.

 _Never,_ answered his greed.

He pushed her up and over the peak, her throaty cry inciting him, ablaze and uncaring, his need determined to be sated, he kept up the merciless advance. His muscles ached, his breath sawing through his lungs, black spots littering his vision as he reached for it, straining.

Finally, finally release flowing through his body like a wave, into her.

He relinquished his hold, gently lowering her back, her body relaxing down onto the mattress. He settled beside her, holding her tight, trembling. Still connected, they lay there panting.

He wrapped his body around hers, encompassing her, trying to soothe her with soft touches. She relaxed into him, like a cat curling up to a fireplace, exhausted but content.

“I’m sorry, Rey. I didn’t mean…” he said, struggling, unable to comprehend how he had let himself get so unrestrained.

“Shhh, you have nothing to be sorry for,” she said, closing her eyes, her body lost in the delicious stupor of the aftermath.

“Did I hurt you?” he asked, concerned.

“No, you did not hurt me. I… I enjoyed it,” she said, her cheeks prickling with heat at the admission.

“I love you, I’m sorry things have been so difficult. That I’ve been struggling. I wanted to protect you from my dark feelings, I didn’t want to give you cause for concern,” he said, ashamed.

He didn’t know how to move past what he had done, who he had been. He wanted to be good, wanted to be good enough for her, and he feared that he would continuously fail at it. And that she would realize it and leave him, alone.

“I love you, too. All of you. Your darkness does not scare me, and I know you will overcome it again, as you have before. I will help you, you’re not alone,” she said.

“Neither are you,” he whispered, his voice seized with emotion, echoing the sentiment she had offered him so long ago.


	22. Giaca: Trespass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few months have passed, Rey and Ben settled in their new home, but the fear of losing everything he loves weighs heavy on Ben. Ben struggles with trying to atone for the wrongs of the past, leaving Rey vulnerable. What will happen when their peaceful reverie is disturbed?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My best friend made some fantastic art inspired by this [scene](https://www.instagram.com/p/B920dbLDk6I/?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet) Check it out on her insta (thislittleart3)

Giaca: Trespass

The winter chill was bracing, but Ben knew the season was coming to an end, the naked trees would soon hint at new growth. The groves of trees around them would burst to life again, but presently they remained still and stark. In the mornings the clearing glittered with frost, the sun catching each miniscule droplet, a shimmering carpet of diamonds. For now Ben walked through the dry grass, each step a crackle under his shoes.

They had settled into a routine, their new home sporting the addition of a fireplace. It had been laborious, finding stone to lay the chimney, but in the process they had discovered more about the planet they now inhabited. A lot of it consisted of volcanic causeways, some of the stone excavated to reinforce their home.

Remnants of civilization scattered around the planet were crude and old, but somehow Rey still managed to find use for them, repurposing things he would have ignored. A day’s walk away they found an old bolthole, just large enough for a small freighter, showing some indication of past use. It must have been a criminal hideout or a smuggler’s pit stop, but seemingly abandoned for a good deal of time.

It was a strange feeling, to be so isolated, after so much time spent around armies of people. Even his time training with Luke, there had been other students, missions to be done. He had never had this much quiet. It still unsettled him, though he didn’t know if it was because he couldn’t bear to be left with his thoughts, or if it was the notion that silence precipitated something worse. 

Still, he endured it, suffered it gladly, since it meant getting to be with her. Her light shone through the darkness in him, like a supernova blasting into his life, especially now that love filled her with its own unique glow. The days spent with her were the happiest he had ever had, and she brought out a side of him he didn’t know was possible.

She was his best friend, her humor sharp, leaving him with aching sides and only a slightly bruised ego when the jokes were at his expense. She softened the hard edges within him, and he responded with a gentleness that astounded them both. He revered her, was constantly in awe. She pushed him, that passionate edge not lost now that they weren’t fighting each other, instead it now became a competitive game between the two of them.

And at night, when he would usually have trouble sleeping, haunted by the ghosts of the past, she quieted the discord within him and left him with a peace he had only ever dreamed of.

There was nothing he wouldn’t do for her.

And so, he walked across the clearing, into the skeletal trees, toward the place he ended all his days, reaching out through the Force, connecting to the life forces displaced by his acts. Some had passed over, peaceful and reluctant to answer his call. He left most of them alone, just taking a few moments to repent. 

Others were hostile, lost and frightened. He couldn’t make out any of their physical forms, but he was able to reach out to the thread of their spirits, hoping to coax some of them toward the light. Determined to be a better man.

It was exhausting, battling, using up so much of his Force energy. But he had to make amends somehow. If he couldn’t go back and change things, the least he could do was try and help from where he was. Sometimes he succeeded, others he wiped himself out, frustrated and angry at how useless he felt.

Rey didn’t complain, and after that night those few months ago, he was careful to try and keep his emotional turmoil at bay, not wanting to inflict any of it on her. They spoke about it briefly, but he knew she could feel it through the bond. She respected his need to keep it separate from their lives together. He was ashamed to admit just how many lives he had cost, didn’t want her to know what a monster he truly had been.

Part of him feared that he could be that man again, that without Rey he would still be that man. He had to make it right for her. For all the others he had hurt. The world between had felt like a prison, but he knew it stretched further than that. He knew the prison lay within his own mind, and if he didn’t take steps to serve his penance he would be stuck there forever, replaying the same scenes.

He hoped that someday he would find peace in knowing that he had amended his wrongdoing. For now, that hope was enough.

And so he sat on the flat boulder he had found, closing his eyes, opening his mind, reaching out and letting in all of their pain. So caught up in it, their names passing over his lips, a fervent prayer, a call.

So entranced he didn’t feel the disturbance until it was too late.

Something had entered the atmosphere. Someone else was here.

His eyes shot open. Leaping from the rock, he ran. His lungs on fire, the muscles in his legs twitching at the sudden movement. Terrified.

When he left Rey had been sleeping. She tired quicker in the past few weeks and liked to enjoy a languid nap in the afternoon to refresh. He shouldn’t have left her alone. Stupid. So, fucking reckless of him. His self-loathing was only barely edged out by the fear that coursed through his body.

He lived with it every day, but nothing compared to the reality. Nothing could prepare him for the choking panic, the stakes so much higher now.

The chaff brushed loudly against his legs, the air whooshing past his ears, heart pounding, rushing air drowning out all other sound. The coldness of dusk cutting into his throat, burning with every breath, puffs of white air huffing out of his nostrils as his hot breath mingled with the winter chill.

His hands clenched into tight fists, fingernails biting into his palms, arms pumping to increase his speed.

In the distance he could see the small trail of smoke coming from home, over the tree line. He had to get there, he had to protect her.

Running wasn’t going to be enough. He could feel the energy nearby. He pushed himself further, launching himself up with a burst of Force energy, hurtling through the air as he jumped the massive distance, crashing back to the earth, rolling himself out of the landing to avoid injury. He pushed up onto his knees, forcing himself up, onward.

Back on his feet he drove on, ignoring the voice in his mind that warned him he had used a great deal of his energy reaching out and the jump just acted to empty him out quicker. His energy was faltering, but the adrenalin and dread carried his body through the forest.

He saw the outline of a ship nearby, too difficult to make out in the dying light, but definitely not theirs, and far too close to the house for comfort.

The warm glow of the house came into view, light peeking through the wooden shutters that kept the cold out. The door ajar. Ben’s worst fear realized.

They had come for her. And he hadn’t been here to keep her safe.

He burst through the door, calling his lightsaber to him, igniting it the moment the metal slapped against his palm.

Rey lay curled up, still sleeping, despite the commotion of his entrance.

The intruder stood near the foot of the bed, looming over her, the fireplace behind him throwing him into silhouette, impossible to make out. His gaze locked on Rey, but with Ben’s entrance he drew a saber from his side, igniting the blade in response.

The blue blade lit up his face, his eyes widening when he saw Ben, fear flickering in his eyes, his mouth agape for a moment before settling into a determined line. He lifted the blade, ready to strike. He took a step closer to the bed, in a move that Ben read as a direct threat to Rey.

“ _Get away from her!_ ” he spat through clenched teeth, the grip he had on his own saber painful.

His vehement statement seemed to finally wake Rey, and she sat up slowly, confused, the blanket falling from her body. Staring between the two of them, her emotions flashing across her face, fear predominant.

The intruder glanced over at her, his eyes landing on her face, her expression twisting to one of pain when she recognized him. His gaze carried down, settling on the soft swell of her stomach, her shirt pulling taut against it. His nostrils flaring, jaw clenched when he realized the truth of her condition.

The aftermath of that night all those months ago, both of them were sure of it, something had shifted that night. Neither of them was prepared for it, neither of them sure how to go about doing it right. But they both agreed on how important it was not to mess this up. The culmination of their love, growing within her, in time to bloom with the trees, just a matter of months away.

It had brought them closer, filled Ben with a sense of belonging and purpose. He would do right by them. He would be a good partner, a good father. There wasn’t any other option. He would do everything he could to protect them, to keep them from taking Rey away from him. His family would not be separated, never again.

He would do whatever it took, even if it meant cutting down the man in front of him, even though he knew that would undo everything he was trying to accomplish. None of that mattered when Rey was at risk. Knowing that he would push past his own pain and exhaustion, fighting until his body gave in. Anything for them.

And so, Ben stood poised in the door, slightly bent from the exertion of trying to get to her, panting. His face a hard mask, resolute. He would not hesitate, could not afford to, had to defend them. He was ready.

She reached out a hand to still him, trying to give him pause. The sabers crackled in the cabin, the tension somehow even more electric.

The intruder stepped forward. Ben saw him, saw his anger, blade ready, convinced this time would be different. Rey could see it too, sense that he wouldn’t be waylaid this time.

“Please… Don’t,” she begged, clutching her stomach as if to protect it, even though the danger was directed at Ben. Their respite ended, sanctuary invaded.

“Finn, please,” she whispered, tears choking her voice, past and present colliding.


End file.
